A Pertinent Question

The Boy is forever perplexed by the question - Why do women check other women out?!!

In case you haven't noticed, we do. All the time. And the answer is simple - we don't check out the women, per se. We check out what they're wearing - the clothes, their shoes, the bag they're carrying, and their sense of style in general.

The Boy then goes on to make a very relevant point - if women are busy checking other women out, when do they check men out? And do they notice men checking them out?

Yes, we do. Both. Did no one tell you women are great at multi-tasking?!!

I Am So Thankful...

...for a boy who notices when I get a hair cut or am wearing new clothes, will happily go shopping with me - rather insists he accompany me on all my shopping expeditions because he thinks he has a better sense of what suits my body type than I do. Which I'd say is partially true because I've been known to buy something just because it has a great color/print and may not really suit my body type or is a size smaller, in the hope of becoming thin and fitting into it some day!

He has the patience of a mother and the interest of an art lover buying art, when it comes to shopping. The only time it isn't fun is when we're walking around malls for close to 6 hours, without food or water, because he wants to buy himself a pair of jeans, and we haven't bought a single pair by the end of it!!

And you want to know what's worse? Him picking out slinky, barely-there dresses for me that are two sizes too small. And then cribbing about how fat I am...and that I don't gym enough...and I eat out too often...and I don't do the only thing he has ever asked of me (ie., go to the gym regularly)...and look at that girl in that slinky little dress...and when will you become thin enough to fit into them? And then sulking about it till the cows come home (you'd think I should be the one sulking after such mean comments).

Sometimes I wish I had a boy who couldn't tell an LBD from a maternity dress. But then...do I? :)

Will They, Won't They?

Sania - Shoaib. The media is ODing on them. Their marriage is front page and “breaking” news every single day, as if there’s nothing report-worthy happening in the entire world. Bookies have ditched the IPL and are placing bets on their wedding - Rs 1.25 for every rupee if they get married, Rs 3.50 if they don’t.

The controversy has gone way beyond being absurd. It's hilarious now. I mean, who the hell ever gets married to a person he/she has never met and that too over the telephone??!! Are we living in pre-historic times? And how does marrying over the telephone work, exactly?

Then I read an article where Shoaib admitted that he went to Ayesha’s house a few times to meet her before their wedding but she was never there! Her family would make excuses for her - she had to go out of the country for some urgent work, she was having an emergency surgery yadi yada.

And he bought their stupid excuses!! Ha ha ha!!

You travel all the way to another country to meet your bride-to-be and she’s never there. Wouldn’t you be a tad bit suspicious? Just a tiny little bit, Mr Malik, not much? Didn’t a warning bell ring in your mind? Such a thing can happen once, not repeatedly. Even a dimwit will be able to see the warning signals.

Which brings me to my conclusion - Shoaib Malik is either seriously dumb or he was desperate to get married! Or both.

I think it is both. He has got to be really thick AND desperate to not have smelt something fishy in this bizarre case.

‘A’ put it beautifully. He said, “this guy is a ch***** of a different level”. It may sound crass but that’s the only word to describe Shoaib Malik. Who else will get married to a woman he hasn’t even seen, on the telephone!! I just can’t get over the hilarity of it.

I really don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong in this entire episode of telephonic shaadi (patent it Shoaib Malik before someone else beats you to it!). And now that Ayesha is claiming she also got pregnant with his child - did he even impregnate her over the telephone?? Brilliant…he should patent that as well.

If you ask me though, I think the guy could've been duped. But then, given how dumb he is/was, he totally asked for what's happening. And that's exactly what prevents me from sympathizing with him.

The question I can’t stop asking is – why is Sania Mirza getting married to this guy of all the people in the world? She is an educated, financially independent, career woman. She's a smart woman too, or at least she comes across as being one. Then why is she marrying such a stupid guy??

Maybe Shobhaa De has the answer. She thinks Sania has fallen for Shoaib’s “boyish good looks & rakish charm”.

Voila! If this is the case, I think their marriage will definitely happen on April 15th. Unless law gets in the way. Or the real Ayesha turns up! Sania Mirza is a woman in love after all, and a woman in love knows no reason, no matter how smart, practical and accomplished she is otherwise. The bookies will be better off betting on whether SRK will dance naked at the end of this IPL.

Inshallah.

Stop Being a Home-Maker!

The Boy & I generally sleep till late on weekends. The maid is instructed not to enter the house before 11am for she is most likely to wake us up by the assortment of noises ranging from the clanking of vessels to the banging of doors to her squeals when she slips on water while hobbling around the house. These are all noises she uses to entertain herself and also to get back at me for being at her throat constantly to use less oil in her cooking, wash the colors & whites separately, sweep behind doors and in corners she is more than happy to overlook etc.

Sometimes however, she will insist on coming in at 8am over the weekend. She will keep ringing the bell till I get the door, and once in she'll stand outside my bedroom door and keep calling out my name non-stop, like a tape-recorder on loop, until I decide that I need to either throw a heavy vessel at her head or open the door & see what she wants.

Thankfully, good sense prevails - though not without some heavy duty swearing on my part & The Boy hissing at me that I need to learn to be patient - and I get the door. And then I run around after her shouting a host of instructions regarding what to cook, what surfaces to be cleaned for the day etc., while 'A' twists & turns around in bed looking for me.

This Sunday was one such day.

A: It’s Sunday morning. Why’re you running after your maid, giving instructions? Please don’t act like a home-maker.

Me: If I don’t tell her what to do, I won’t even get a decent meal to eat all day.

A: So give her instructions once & get back to sleep.

Me: She needs constant supervision.

Boy: Relax. Stop acting like a home-maker. Stop!

Me: Okay

Boy: Now, go & make me some watermelon juice.

Errrrrr…

Was that my cue to stick something sharp up his ass?

Perhaps not. ‘A’ being ‘A’ made his own watermelon juice and our breakfast too :D

PZ on Twitter

Preity Zinta is one of the funniest celebrities to follow on Twitter, and not in a good way. Reading her updates will make you wonder if she’s become delusional.

For instance, she once tweeted that she will get back to movies once this year's IPL is over.

Err…umm…does she have anything left to get back to??

Another time, right before the Filmfare awards, she tweeted that she’s really nervous about attending the awards and that actors generally are b/c they don’t know if they’ll win!

Excuse me once again…have I been missing all the Bollywood action happening in Preity Zinta’s life? Has she been doing movies by the dozen and getting nominated for them? Have I been living in Iceland and socializing with Eskimos all the while that was happening?

She has also tweeted about how “stunning” Aishwarya Rai looked at the party hosted by Anil & Tina Ambani for the film industry a few days ago. She was talking about THIS…

Photo Courtesy: http://highheelconfidential.com

Sorry, but I find nothing "stunning" about a satin shirt from the 1960s, red 'puja' thread (why do people wear those threads...ugh!) and black pants that merge into your funny looking black boots that aren't even nice!

Ms Zinta has also been rambling on Twitter and how!

“There is so much i want to do, so much i want 2 change in this world ! Time slips away like sand through my hands . I wish i have d strength to bring about that change . "When the going gets tough the tough get going" This was what i was taught by my father . I hope i can.... I find myself 1dering if d system in r country is like quicksand . Will i be able 2 stand my ground or will i be sucked in ? Time will tell ! The past week has shaken me up as i have witnessed things that have hurt my self respect as an Indian . Is it really that easy to commit fraud and forgery and get buy your way through it in our great country . I saw it happening to a common man and it broke my heart . Today I have decided that i will be that change . I stand alone but every moment gives me strength and my resolve strengthens . Its high time now ! Actions speak louder than words ! Its time 2 get into action now ! I know the IPL is on my head, I know i am an actress with no muscle power nor pots of money to buy my way around or influence politicians... but i have the power of the truth ! good always wins over evil though ! This is probably the most challenging and redefining moment of my life . I am an eternal optimistic so on a happy note... Villians beware ! Tomorrow morning will be a bright new day ! I know the sun will shine on me ! Till then good night my friends . I think i will finally be able to sleep now ! Round one begins now ! If this was a movie then the dishum dishum time has started ;-) love you all ! ciao !"

Besides the fact that I hate SMS/Twitter lingo, is she one of those people who put a space between the last word of every sentence and the punctuation following it? Ughhh…can we have some English writing classes for Ms Zinta please? Along with a gentle reminder that Twitter isn’t the place to publish a short story or sort out the emotional turmoil going on inside of you.

And for a person who has a pretty delectable sense of style herself, maybe a refresher course in Fashion 101.

Raspberries & Plums

Boy: You’re smelling of strawberries.

Me: Raspberry. And it’s Body Shop. And it costs a bomb so you better not trash it.

Boy: I don’t care. I don’t like fruity moisturizers. Why would anyone want to smell like a fruit?

Me: Well then, I guess I know what we’re doing tonight.

Boy: No wait! I didn’t say I couldn’t make exceptions! Isn’t raspberry, like, an exotic fruit? I can make an exception for an exotic fruit!

Later on the same night…

Boy: You need to go back to the gym!

Me: Errr…shouldn’t you, like a good friend who cares for my mental & emotional well-being, be encouraging me to be comfortable in my own body?

Boy: No.

Me: No?

Boy: Like a good friend, I’m supposed to be encouraging you to lose weight.

Me: (Damn!) Ummm, don’t you love having more of me to love?

Boy: No.

Me: No?

Boy: There’s way too much of you to love. I don’t need so much.

(Double damn…The reverse psychology thing was really not working!)

But after some time, The Boy felt bad…

Boy: Well, you don’t have to be thin thin. You can be plum.

Me: It’s not ‘plum’ silly, it’s ‘plumP’

Boy: What??!! I thought it was ‘plum’!

Me: Plum is a fruit!! You know, like plum cake, plum custard….?

Boy: Oh…but you like fruit

Me: I like smelling of fruits, I don’t want to BE one!

Boy: Hmmm…is plum an exotic fruit too?

Me: No it’s not. Go to sleep now. G’nite

Tell you what, boys WILL always remain boys :)

It Happens Only in Kolkata

Setting: A Bengali wedding

Music being played: Bong songs. Followed by Bhojpuri songs (!!) Followed by Daler Mehndi. This cycle is repeated umpteen times & is interspersed with ‘Braaa-zeeel la la la la la la la la…la la la la la la la la…Brazil”

Football anthem? At a wedding??

Once again, I bow to the unbelievable species called Bengalis. There is no one else like them.

Watch That Thing!

These days there is some report or the other in newspapers regarding sex scandals involving the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

He is either caught throwing parties for nubile nymphets at his sprawling villa in Sardinia, making sex tapes, or getting former topless models to act as hostesses to the heads of various nations at international diplomatic conventions!

Before Berlusconi the media was obsessed with French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy’s high-profile affair with Carla Bruni – their courtship, their public display of affection for each other, Carla Bruni’s nude photographs etc.

And then there was Barack Obama caught ogling at a lady guest’s butt at the G-8 summit in Italy while Sarko smiled appreciatively from the sidelines. Photographed at the wrong moment, maybe?

While no one in Italy seems to mind their Prime Minister’s sexcapades (or at least we don't hear of it in the media), the French, known for their conservativeness, condemned their Prime Minister. There was a murmur in the US as well about the appropriateness of the conduct of their newly elected President at an international summit but it was mostly dismissed as “Hey, a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do!”, thanks to the liberal attitude of the Americans.

This got me wondering…how would we (Indians) react if our Prime Minister or President was caught frolicking at a beach in the South of France with barely clad – or better still - naked women? Or divorcing his wife while still in office in order to marry a much younger woman with a risqué public image?

Just the thought has me in splits. Imagine how we would react! There will be an uproar across the nation. The “Indian culture” flag will be brandished in his face wherever he goes, the gods will be invoked...Hell, I’m sure he will be impeached just for that, poor guy! And without the Z-class security our PM/President enjoys, he might even be lynched by the public!

What about you...how do you think we will react as a nation if such a thing happens involving one of our Heads of State?

Go Watch It!

If you haven’t already that is.

I’m talking about ‘The Hangover’ – the low profile, low budget (?) movie that has taken theatres the world over by storm based mainly on word-of-mouth publicity, much like ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ did 7 years ago!

If I have ever seen a funny movie, 'The Hangover' has gotta be it. The movie is crazily hilarious! It’s about four guys - one of whom is getting married - who spend a crazy night in Vegas to celebrate a bachelor’s party. When they wake up the next morning, they have no recollection of anything that happened last night. They wake up to a room wrecked beyond recognition, a tiger in their bathroom & a baby in their cupboard! And they have lost their friend who is about to get married in a few hours!

They need to find their friend ASAP but with no recollection of what happened the night before, that is just a little bit difficult. They are left with no choice but to retrace their steps. Their journey back into time includes bizarre revelations about each of them, strippers, drug dealers, the Chinese mafia, the works!

The movie is insane. There are a few loopholes – things that are left unexplained – but you don’t question them b/c your sides are aching laughing. It’s a movie you can see over & over again and laugh just as hard every time. It’s Hollywood at its low-brow best but when they do it, they do it so much better than we do!

And oh, may I add that Bradley Cooper is H-O-T. In a very blue-eyed-white-American-boy way but he is smokin’ hot. And Zack Galifianakis (Alan in the movie) – he is fatal.

Sleepless in South Africa

The Fake IPL Player has rattled the peace in the ANZ Knight Riders camp (thanks Knife for such an appropriate nomenclature) and is giving sleepless nights to the team owner & management, who are reportedly "gunning for his blood". There are rumors that the blog is a doing of the Knight Riders owner and his over-active PR company, which could very well be true except I’m not sure the megalomaniac that SRK is, he would let people refer to himself as ‘Badshah Dildo’.

The blog has been in existence merely a week & already has close to 2000 followers! Man, wouldn’t we die for such a following! ;)

My take on him? I don't think he is a real player from the IPL camp.Think about it – how can he have the time to write so many posts everyday when the team is busy with practice & matches (that they lose anyway)? Even if he is not in the playing 11, as he insists, he still is part of the squad...meaning he can’t possibly be chilling out in the Savannahs while the rest of his team mates are practicing. And even if he does have all the time in the world, wouldn’t people get suspicious when he’s hunched over his laptop all day, typing away? Especially when they know there's someone (who claims to be one of them) maligning them on the world wide web?

Secondly, no player will risk having his career ruined – which I think is precisely what SRK & his beloved Aussie coach would do if he gets found out!

Some of the characters & teams he refers to in his blogs are:

Kishen Kanaiyya - Ravi Shastri

Appam C*****a – Sreeshanth

Pedophile Priest – Adam Gilchrist

Kaan Moolo – Ajith Agarkar (b/c of his enormous ears)

Big Sister – Shilpa Shetty

Prince Charles of Patiala – Yuvraj Singh

Lordie – Sourav Ganguly

Babli – Preity Zinta

Calypso King – Chris Gayle

Dildo / Badshah Dildo – SRK

Hawaii Chappal – Greg Chapel

Junta Tormentor – Ajantha Mendis

Sandy Baddy Babe – Mandira Bedi

Little John – Ishant Sharma

Bangla Tiger – Mushrafe Murtaza

Sheikh of Tweak - Shane Warne

Meera Bhai - Harbhajan Singh

Mr.Batlivala - Vijay Mallya

Phoren Babas - Brendon McCullum & John Buchanan

Bevdaa Team - Bangalore Royal Challengers

Big Sister’s Team - Rajasthan Royals

Bubblie’s Team - Kings XI Punjab

Have to give it to the guy – he’s quite smart. He’s figured out the way to make his claim of being an actual Knight Rider believable. He writes about situations which are very real & incidents can actually happen...stuff like what gets discussed & who does what during team meetings, what goes on in the dressing room, what happens in the dug out etc. Anyone who reads his blogs will think he is who he claims to be. Except it is kind of silly to believe that. It makes the blogs less fun to read (than it would’ve been had he really been a Knight Rider dishing out dirt on the various players & management)...but it’s fun nonetheless!

How Many People Will Buy Her Yoga DVD for...Well, Yoga?

Tollywood Calling

The following is a review of the Bengali remake of 'Jism' published in The Telegraph. The movie stars one of the topmost actresses of the Bengali film industry who, I believe, has also acted in a couple of Hindi movies (which I have NOT seen and therefore, do not remember the name :-)

Read it...it's H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!

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Which of the following best describes Trishna?
a) gross; b) silly c) lewd d) bawdy

All of the above!

Half-an-hour into the Friday premiere show at Menoka, the lights go out and you feel like scampering out, taking advantage of the darkness, with your sanity still intact.

Though almost a scene-by-scene copy of John Abraham-Bipasha Basu’s Jism, Pritam Jalan’s Trishna is nothing more than a sleaze fest with Tolly’s leading heroine ‘showing’ the way.

Rituparna, like Bips in Jism, grabs a man (here photographer Angshuman) by his you-know-what only to use him to murder her husband Arindam Sil and grab his you-know-what (wealth, silly).

The tale of deceit and murder begins in Sundarpur and ends on the beach of Miami (Mandarmoni, we presume), when Rituparna is a freebird and Angshuman a jailbird.

There’s a lot of Jism in terms of plot but nothing of its polish, a lot of Jism’s flesh but nothing of its fire.

Because Rituparna tries to do a Bips and ends up doing a Sambhavna Seth (and that’s an insult to you-know-who — Sambhavna, silly)

Rituparna’s Trishna dresscode — off-shoulder tops, multi-coloured tights and black underwire bra — does little to hide her not-so-toned tummy and thunder thighs when she stretches on the beach to send her paramour into paroxysms of puerile pleasure.

Angshuman, the man with plucked eyebrows and a stupid smile, lives in a room with pink walls. All he does is stare at Rituparna’s bosom and butt, rub his face against her thighs and cleavage, and make you cringe.

The songs and dialogues add to the horror. He sings Silky sona, lovely sona, Dona Dona, Madonna... and says “Tomar shorir aamar shongo chaichhe” (your body needs my company) with eyes fixed on you-know-what (breasts, silly).

Rituparna is a biological wonder — almost always in an orgasmic state, often when her loverboy is still a safe distance away. Breasts heaving, pelvic thrusting, moaning and groaning, she is unquenchable.

Trishna’s Big moment? Rituparna contorting her facial muscles and whispering: “Just grab me....”

Hiltonisms vs Bushisms

Can't believe people can be so stupid. Read on & laugh your insides out! :)


(Paris) HILTONISMS

"There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde, like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana and, right now, I’m that icon."

"I’m so smart now. Everyone’s always like ‘take your top off’. Sorry, NO! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid."

"I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries."

"Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?"

"London is my favourite city. But I haven’t been to England yet. "

"Essex? What’s that?"

"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything." --- This could actually be one of her "Memorable Quotes though" :)

"A true heiress is never mean to anyone — except a girl who steals your boyfriend."

"I don’t really think, I just walk."

"Ever since I was little it’s what I knew I wanted to do — be a blonde icon."

"People think I’m stupid. But I’m smarter than most people."

"All British people have plain names, and that works pretty well over there."

"My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself."

"One of my heroes is Barbie. She may not do anything, but she always looks great doing it."

"I pledge to support the American workforce by wearing only American designers: Calvin Klein between Memorial Day and Labor Day, Donna Karan the rest of the year."

"No, I’ve not heard of a pint...what is that? Is it beer?"

"Essex? What’s that?"

(On being asked if she knew who the Prime Minister of Britain was, at a promotion event of her new reality show 'Paris Hilton's British Best Friend) "It's Gordon...Gordon Ramsay."


BUSHISMS

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"I’m telling you there’s an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That’s the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best."

"Oftentimes people ask me, ‘Why is it that you’re so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?’"

"I heard somebody say, ‘Where’s (Nelson) Mandela?’ Well, Mandela’s dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." (On the former South African president, who is still very much alive)

"I’ve heard he’s been called Bush’s poodle. He’s bigger than that." (On former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.)

"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."

"I don’t particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake." (On his best moment in office.)

"I like my buddies from west Texas. I liked them when I was young, I liked them when I was middle-age, I liked them before I was president, and I like them during president, and I like them after president." (While he was still President)

"We’ve got a lot of relations with countries in our neighbourhood."

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

"Americans should be prudent in their use of energy during the course of the next few weeks. Don’t buy gas if you don’t need it."

"I’m going to spend a lot of time on social security. I enjoy it. I enjoy taking on the issue. I guess, it’s the Mother in me."

"The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks."

"Because he’s hiding." (Responding to a reporter who asked why Osama bin Laden had not been caught.)

"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection... an election in Iraq at this point in history?"

"I’m honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace."

"I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war."

"I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."

Who do you think is the better of the two? My vote is with Paris. Atleast she's not President of the most powerful country in the world! Besides, she's an "iconic blonde" ;-)

The 'People' Effect

It’s true! When you spend a lot of time with someone, you start behaving like them. I have this friend who is completely neurotic about people walking into his house (or even their own house!!) with the shoes that they wear outside. He insists, even yells at people who walk into his house with their shoes on. And I’ve been spending a lot of time with him. In fact, I always give him grief for being neurotic about such a small thing.

So yesterday, my parents came to visit me. My dad, who was visiting my new house for the first time, was so excited that he walked in with his shoes on, and I yelled “Daddy, take your shoes off!!!”

He came running back and I was like “Oh my God, I’m behaving like A****”

So, I tell you…be careful of the amount of time you spend with people!!

Randomness

Don't have anything particular to write about but am feeling funny & random, so I guess randomness is the order of the day.....

(Warning : This post has adult content but parts of it are fit to be read even by children under 5 years of age)

• Don’t give advice to people in need when you have loads of work/are getting late for something. They will keep explaining their situation to you, will not leave you alone & you will get irritated (happened to me just yesterday)
• Climbing ten flights of stairs after lunch (or anytime)…..BAD IDEA
• Do not support boss while he’s playing TT. It won’t earn you any brownie points
• More importantly, don’t TELL boss you’re supporting him for brownie points!!
• People with bad hand-eye coordination (such as me) should not try to play TT. We should stick to carrom
• If you complete your work before time, don't tell boss you are done with it. You will get dumped with more work. Sit on it, hatch eggs, take a print-out & dress it up if you want! But don’t tell boss
• Male bosses are nice :)
• Clothes become tight when you become fat
• Remember people’s birthdays. Sometimes really cool things can happen. Like two of your closest friends can share the same birthday (double celebrations, right?) while you remain oblivious to it
• Olympics is cool
• Expect to see interviews of Abhinav Bindra’s maid, dhobi, milkman, newspaper delivery boy, even his dog (if they can make him talk) on TV over the next few weeks
• Do NOT expect the Abhinav Bindra euphoria to last beyond the next One-Day/T20 cricket series involving India
• If you’re a chick, you can go from ‘ecstatic’ to ‘manic depressed’ (or from +1098765432 ft. to -9908765324 ft.) in 0 seconds on certain days of the month. F*cks you up, I tell you!!
• If you have a phone that needs to be charged everyday, charge it. Or carry your charger with you. 'Coz without a phone you will feel decapitated. Then don't tell me I didn't warn you!!
• If you drink water straight out of a bottle, learn to drink without spilling it on to your blouse. Wet boobs = Men will stare
• Nevermind. Boobs = Men will stare
• It’s nice when you get caught unsuspecting in the rain sometimes
• Sometimes you just need that bar of chocolate or that chocolate pastry...or those bitchass stilletoes...or that blinggg handbag...or that sexy halter...okay, so you get the drift :)
• Good work/fast work attracts more work. Learn to chill in life if you’re done with your work. Life is beautiful
• You’re never too fresh from a holiday for another break
• You’re never too tired to complete one more slide if it involves being able to avoid a working weekend!!
• Do not play cricket if you don’t know how. Especially with boys. The ball will come flying from nowhere…front, back, side, below, above…and give you bruises. And if you DO play with boys, be ready to get bruises.
• On another note, life is ALWAYS headed SOMEWHERE. It’s never directionless. You might not know where it’s going…you’re not God…or forces…or a spirit (whatever you believe in)…but it IS most definitely taking you somewhere (that you will know in good time).
• There are some things in life that are perfect the way they are. For everything else, there's Austin Powers!!
• There is always a time & a place for everything
• Including sex. It’s called ANYTIME and ANYWHERE!!! :D
• There’s no concept of ‘always’ or ‘forever’ in love
• Life goes on
• Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? He stole the cookie from the cookie jar. Who me? Yes you! Couldn't be! Then who?
• Mommie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Twinkle twinkle little star...How I wonder what you are...
• Not everyone who says they love you, do. At the same time, if someone doesn’t say they love you often enough does not mean they don’t. Look out for actions
• Is this mating season for dogs? I've been seeing dogs mating on the streets everywhere!!
• Dogs are cool. Cats are NOT
• Cats are evil, evil things
• Pigeons are shit birds. All they know is to eat, rotate their heads on their imaginary axis & shit on poor hapless people. They should just die!!
• So should rats, lizards & cockroaches
• We should love animals
• Don’t lie. Just tell people the f*cking truth or you'll have major ass-covering to do later
• A squint can be cute if it's on a cute guy ;-)
• You never know who will walk into your life & when! It's one of those random, bizarre, crazily insane, psychotic, inexplicable occurences in life!!
• Mumbai is the coolest city in India. No other city comes even close
• Never let go of a guy that can give you 'The Big O'. There are plenty of nice, understanding, caring, sensitive, funny, honest, intelligent men in this world but it's very difficult to find a man who can help you reach 'The Big O'

Walk Into Me!

They happen a lot with me – “accidents”. They’re actually a result of my clumsiness but I like to call them “accidents” because they happen without my will or intention :)

I walk into furniture all the time...couches, beds, tables, chairs…and stub my toes or hit my knee or hit myself on the hipbone (depending on the height of the furniture). I walk into door knobs. And most of the times I don’t even realize it until there is a blue-green-purple bruise staring at me. Then I try to think what kind of furniture I must have walked into to get that bruise!!

I also “accidentally” kick things on the floor….glasses, coffee mugs. I kick them all. I kick them while walking & they go flying to the other end of the room, like a spin top yoyo!!

The other day a glass went flying right into my laptop – which thankfully was shut & the glass empty!! These small mercies make me believe there IS a God….really.

Reality Bytes...Part 2

I was watching a re-run of 'Kya Aap Paachvi Pass Se Tez Hain' last night. The girl on the show had a Masters in Computer Application (MCA). She came on the show dressed like SRK dresses on the show so she could impress him (in her words). She was giggly, shrill & she was totally acting for the camera! However, she got foxed on the first question itself. The question was "What is the color of ruby? A) Red B) Blue C) Green"

Her answer...BLUE!!!

She was also trying to flirt with SRK. When she was asked which ocean separates the West Coast of America from Australia, she said 'Pacific'. I was surprised she got that right! SRK asked her what made her think it's the Pacific Ocean, she started rambling "I think I have heard Columbus was going somewhere & he saw an ocean", to which SRK quipped "Oh yeah! Maybe he had gone shopping...to buy vegetables...and he ran into an ocean! Like when I go to Linking Road, sometimes even I run into a couple of oceans." That's typical SRK wit...silly but nonetheless funny!

When he asked her again if she thought her answer was right, she went "Main saare answers madhoshi mein de rahi hoon. Aapne mujhe madhosh kar diya hai. Aapki aankhon ko dekh ke lagta hai mera answer sahi hi." Yikes!!!!!!

And here's testimony to SRK's wit & presence of mind that makes him such a good game show host. He went "Are you trying to flirt with me? Because when I was young, girls used to flirt with me differently. They used to say "Shah Rukh, I like you. I love your eyes, I love your smile, I love your Ruby lips. I'd like to go out with you." No one ever said to me "Hey handsome....Pacific? Or are you Atlantic?"

LOL!!!

PS: I absolutely hate it when starry eyed contestants come on celebrity game shows. They act like such retards, they make a complete fool of themselves!

Reality Bytes

I was watching ‘Kya Aap Paachvi Pass Se Tez Hain’ today. Reality shows, particularly the ones with a celebrity host, can be really amusing at times. They get the most freaky, psychotic contestants that lose all sense of self and become worse than star-eyed in the company of the star host.

Take for instance, a 61-year old lady from Hyderabad that came on the show today. She came swaying onto the stage wearing a sash & a crown for some ‘Best Secretary Contest’ she’d won in Hyderabad! Okkkay! She started hugging SRK to find out if he’s for real. When she got an answer right, she told SRK that he’s great! SRK was amused. His reply : “Actually, I’m not great. It’s the people behind our show who give such easy questions.” Then she randomly started singing ‘Abhi Toh Main Jawaan Hoon’ & dancing. Must take him a lot to refrain from laughing when faced with such KRAZZY contestants!

The guy who came before this lady was even more retarded. He kept asking if the kid (who btw was there to help him out IN CASE he couldn’t get an answer right), had frozen his answer. His idiocy even made SRK remark, “You’re depending on the kid to get your answers right?” There are so many people coming on these reality shows, I wonder how SRK restrains himself from slapping them! Like this girl, an MBA student, who did not know there are 7 continents and didn’t know the names of the continents either! She even did not know which months have 30 days and which ones have 31!!

So even though there is an overdose of reality shows on television today, some of them can be very amusing and hilarious! The Indian Idol auditions being the best example.

Victory of the Strawberries

This friend of mine asks for face wash everytime he comes to my house. Until a few days ago I was using a strawberry face wash. Now, I like strawberry face washes. They smell fruity (obviously) & nice. He would make fun of me every single time, saying 'you're such a girl' & all the other annoying things stupid boys like to call girls.

So finally my strawberry face wash got over. And why would it not, given that he used to slather it on his face? Then I went and bought three different types of face washes that I intend to use simultaneously. One is Lakme Pure Defense, which protects your skin from pollution. The second is Garnier Fresh, which is....errrr....a freshening face wash. And the third one is Garnier Pure Face Wash, which is an exfoliating face wash that opens up the pores of your skin so your skin can breeeeeeeeathe.

The co-existence of these face washes in my bathroom is perfectly justified in my head. I use the Pure Defense face wash after returning from work, Garnier Fresh in the morning when I'm taking a shower & Garnier Pure at night before going to bed, so my skin can breathe at night! Doesn't it make perfect sense? Apparently, it doesn't to the male mind. Their problem really, since it's THEIR skin that's not getting protected from pollution & exfoliated everyday.

So when my friend came to visit me the last time & asked for face wash as usual, I presented him with the three choices. His eyes were literally spinning between the three and then on to me, while I had a big grin on my face! He was confused and I was having a ball. I also had the last laugh btw, because he went "Just give me your strawberry face wash."

Ha!!

Moral of the Story : Never make fun of a girl's strawberry face wash!!

The truth about thongs

Thongs are butt floss.

- As told to me by a friend