Letter from Kolkata

Dear Mr Khan,

Congratulations on another fabulous defeat! You really seem to be enjoying them it seems. Your team lives up to them consistently, with any deviations (wins) emanating solely due to bad weather.

This weather can play truant at the best of times, I tell you. Just when you were looking set to lose to Preity’s team, it started raining and you won! How disappointing! But chin up, there are many matches left to lose. Let not one accidental win dishearten you.

In fact, I have a very good suggestion for you. Why don’t you let Buchanan’s laptop bat next game onwards? Why send cricketers in to play at all? If anything, they are destructive to your dream of ending up at the bottom of the pile in IPL2. You see, they TRY to win you matches, which is no good if you want to end up No. 8 (of 8 teams)! They are conspiring against you, you see?

SO. Get smart. Be one up on them. Don se zyada hoshiyaar koi nahi ho sakta! The next time your team has a match, let the boys dress up, pad themselves us, warm up. Get them geared up to play, and then drop the bomb. Send in Buchanan’s laptop to bat & his lapdog (you) to bowl. There is no need to have any fielders b/c the ball will not go outside the pitch, so you can easily run & grab it.

Look at Warnie. Or Gilly for that matter. I’m sure they do not make use of their laptops. No wonder they are winning most of the matches they play. Don’t they get it, those fools? It’s cool to lose matches these days. That is what Don does, and Don jo karta hai, usey hi 'cool' kehte hain!

Send your cricketers back to India. Why are you unnecessarily bearing the expense of putting them up in South Africa? Think about the amount of money you will save! You can then spend all that money on pampering your entourage of batting coach, bowling coach, fielding coach, wicket-keeping coach, shoe-wearing coach, socks-wearing coach etc. And then watch how you lose all your matches!

Also, while you're at your efforts to make your team the laughing stock of IPL, please hype them up even more. Not everyone can become a 'Knight Rider'. It's a title every cricketer covets but only a few (read jerks from ANZ who think no one apart from them knows cricket) are lucky enough to have it bestowed upon them. The unlucky ones resort to blogging to vent their frustration.

You should give a byte to the media at every opportunity you get. In fact I suggest you talk even when Preity Zinta or Shilpa Shetty are asked to talk. Look at them...those utterly stupid women. They talk only when their team is delivering. You can hog their air time as well. The more you hype yourself, the more ecstatic you'll feel when you end up as the losers.

Hope you incorporate my suggestions into your game plan. They are a surefire way to end up as No. 8.

Yours Truly,
An ex-KKR supporter who is not a supporter anymore thanks to your idiocy