A few days ago The Knife put up a post on his blog asking people about their idea of a coffee shop. I wrote in a lengthy response. Of course. I always have a lot to say :)
This post has been inspired by The Knife.
Coffee shops are one of my favorite places to hang out at. Much like book shops. Whether it is to meet a friend or read a book over a cup of piping hot coffee, I can spend hours at a coffee shop. I have.
Some of my fondest memories are tied to coffee shops. Grabbing a breakfast of bagel, cream cheese & coffee with a shot of Irish Cream/Hazelnut flavor before heading to class…killing time before classes at The Daily Grind / Bulls Head Bookshop…spending hours studying for my exams or hanging out with friends at Caribou Coffee…trudging to Starbucks at 6.30am (yes, they open that early, they're not in India!!) for a final round of revision before my 8 ‘o’ clock exam!
These coffee shops were friendly and kind. They let you hang out for hours as long as you kept ordering something every couple of hours. And wouldn’t hustle you out or ask if they can get your bill as soon as you’ve drained your first cup, a phenomenon that Indian coffee shop regulars would be only too familiar with.
Indian coffee shops are abominable. They make me want to grind and French Press the heads of the owner as well as the waiters and dump it in the can! Not to mention the coffee they serve is atrocious.
Here’s my list of what I want in a coffee shop, if you care to read…
- CONSISTENCY CONSISTENCY CONSISTENCY. A mocha should taste the same every time I order it. It shouldn’t be ODing on chocolate one time and bitter with coffee another time. A latte should have the same amount of milk every time.
- The music should be played at a level that lets people make conversation or read their book or work on their laptop, things that people go to a coffee shop for in the first place!! No one goes to a coffee shop to listen to music. No one wants to have to yell to be heard by someone sitting across the table, either. For that we would go to a club.
- No Bollywood music please. And definitely not Bollywood music from the 80s!! Most Bollywood music is trashy and we get to hear enough & more of it on radio and the numerous TV channels that have a habit of playing songs on loop. Give us some international music…retro, pop, hip hop, reggae, Spanish, Latin American, Cuban…the possibilities are endless.
- Waiters that aren't retards, can understand the customer’s order, get it right the first time and can answer questions about the coffee that they serve. I also can’t fathom why coffee shop waiters insist on speaking to you in English when they can’t understand it or speak a single sentence correctly! It baffles me. I mean, come on, I’m Indian, you’re Indian. I can speak Hindi (or whatever local language) and so can you. So talk to me in a language that you understand because it makes me very very angry when you mess up my order because you don’t fucking understand or speak English!!
- HOT COFFEE SHOULD BE SERVED HOT, NOT LUKEWARM. Contrary to what you may tell me about cappuccinos having originated in Europe where they prefer it lukewarm, there’s nothing more putting off than lukewarm coffee. This too makes me very very angry. And for God’s sake, your waiters don’t even know the difference between a Latte & a Mocha, like they would really know how Europeans like their cappuccino! (I kid you not, I once asked a waiter the difference between two types of coffees mentioned on their menu, and his answer was “Mam, this is coffee and that is also coffee”!!!!!)
- Black coffee should taste bitter & strong, not like tasteless hot water. For that, I'll drink boiled Pepsi. Neither should a cappucino or a latte taste like milk. I'd drink milk for free at home if that's what I wanted. Don't skimp on the coffee!!
- Coffee shops shouldn't hustle customers to order more or get the hell out as soon as they're done with their coffees. Don’t start clearing away their table or asking them if you can get their bill as soon as they’re done. Give them some time.
I like my coffee shops to have a quaint feel to them, to have soothing yellow lighting, not too bright, comfortable seating, and to play Christmas carols around Christmas time. But then that might be asking too much of Indian coffee shops when they seem to be centuries away from getting their basics right.
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wonder whether any of our (Bollywood) actors will be able to pull off such a performance. And the answer, almost always, is a disappointing and resounding 'no'. You watch this movie and name one Indian actor who could've done as good a job of playing a person who suddenly finds himself annointed King of England at a time when he must lead his country to war and is expected to dole out inspiring speaches but who suffers from a debilitating stammer, as Colin Firth does. The director very cleverly shows a close up of his face every time he's trying to deliver a speech, and the contortions of his face to get those damn words out make your heart go out to him. You can feel his pain and anguish at not being able to get words out of his mouth. The humour is good too, if you appreciate British humour that is. Awesome movie, watch it.
