The One Year Itch

I recently read an article on how the seven year itch has become passé. Couples have started facing issues in their marriage within the first year itself.

Let me say at the outset that this wouldn't apply to every couple, obviously. This is a general trend that's seen to be developing in Indian society of late. And I agree.

All around me I hear of and read about people getting divorced. This phenomenon is not restricted to celebrities anymore. There are quite a few people I know personally who have divorced/are in the process of getting divorced within a few years of marriage.

As far as celebrities go, we're reading about an ex-Bollywood actress contemplating divorce for the second time in her 3-4 year old marriage. The first time around, the couple took a vacation together and somehow managed to save their marriage. Will they be successful this time around as well? Are they even trying? Notably, the couple got married within a month or so of the actress breaking up with her then fiancé, so one wonders whether her decision to get married to her current husband was a hasty one. This morning I also read about a British actress splitting from her Indian industrialist husband. They've been married only two & a half years.

Closer home, there are two friends of mine who got married within a year of meeting each other. They come from very different social and financial backgrounds and the girl could not deal with the conservative thinking and financial habits of her in-laws as well as their constant interference in her life. The couple started having issues within 6 months, and 2 years later they're separated and waiting for their divorce to come through. Another friend filed for divorce 6 months after getting married. Her husband is a habitual cheater, and 6 months after marrying him she decided she couldn't take it anymore! I wonder why she got married to him in the first place? Did she really think he'd clean up his act? Does that ever happen?

My views on marriage aside (on which I've done very many posts & will spare you the brutality :), I've been thinking of why marriages have come to have such a short shelf-life.

Come to think of it, when a friend/relative celebrates, say their 5th marriage anniversary, many of us react by saying "Oh wow, 5 years together!", without even realizing the implications of what we just said. 10th anniversary, and this surprise turns into marvel. "Oh man, 10 years!!!!!" This is a sign of the times we live in. It's a sign of how the dynamics of relationships have changed.

So obviously, since I've been thinking I've reached a conclusion. If you're interested I'll tell you why I think fewer marriages work these days (this is my opinion alone and I'm no marriage counsellor :) If you aren't, you can skip the rest of this post.

To begin with, our generation is in a tearing hurry to get married and I don't know why! People decide to get married within a year, two years, and sometimes within months of knowing each other. That makes me wonder if they even know WHY they're getting married? I'm sorry but "I love him and can't live without him" is just not a good enough reason to take such a big step because once the reality of life kicks in - which will be sooner rather than later once you start living together - you will not be so much "in love with him" anymore.

I don't mean to preach, but we've got to have clear reasons for getting married. We should get married if we want to build a life together or share some of life's experiences together, not to prove a point to our family/friends or society.

Before we take the plunge, we need to make sure our basic philosophies in life are similar and if not, we need to have a clearly defined action plan on how we'll combat situations where we don't see eye-to-eye. We need to have common goals and aspirations for ourselves as a couple (though personal goals may vary). We need to be sure we can live with the habits (some of which WILL be irritating) and idiosyncrasies of the other person 24x7 because these things have a way of getting magnified when you're living in close proximity with someone. But most importantly, we need to be sure that we're mentally and emotionally ready for marriage because it takes a lot of commitment, hard work, trust, understanding and compromise. And all of these come from maturity.

Our generation is also low on patience and tolerance levels. We want quick solutions to every problem, and with increasing career demands on both partners we have neither the time nor the energy to work on a troubled marriage. Getting out of it seems to be the easier way of dealing with the mess, particularly since divorce no more connotes such a huge stigma as it used to, and plenty of divorced people do go on to date new people, start new relationships and get married again.

Financial independence has given a new sense of confidence to women. Working women in bad or even indifferent marriages feel there's no reason to suffer silently. They're simply less conditioned to give in than they used to be, and if they're not happy in their marriage they prefer moving on.

Then there is the issue of not working out the details of life together before taking the plunge. This ties to my first point of getting married in a hurry. We forget to work out answers to some pertinent questions that may give rise to marital disharmony later and become the basis of a failed marriage. What expectations do we have of each other as husband & wife? Are we willing to/able to fulfil those expectations? How will we deal with conflicts? How will we find solutions to problems where our points of view differ? What kind of spending habits will we have? How much interference by parents-in-law and other relatives is OK? How important are our respective friends going to be? What do we think of having kids? What kind of lifestyle changes do we expect each other to make? How are we going to share our space? These questions may seem trivial but trust me they can be fatal to a marriage. Married people may agree with me on this!

Then there is the issue of growing infidelity and the toll that the constant suspicion takes on a marriage. Is our generation really less loyal than the generations before us, or is it that the cases of infidelity are being exposed more? Are people who cheat on their partners less afraid to admit they slipped up than they used to be? Are people more aware and open about their sexual and emotional needs and less hesitant to pursue gratification with people other than their spouses? Whatever the reason might be, infidelity stares us in the face whichever way we turn, and we have become more intolerant of it because we know divorce is easier to get now than it used to be and it's not the end of the world.

This is the age when all the myths associated with marriage - such as marriages are made in heaven, there's only one person for all of us, when you meet your soulmate, you'll know he/she is the one etc. - are getting debunked. Marriages come with a 'fragile' tag and we can't breathe easy once we've tied the knot. On the contrary, that's when the real work begins.

Are we up to the challenge?

It's Official!

Marriage is bad for your sex life.

As I'd suspected all along.

According to a poll conducted on 3000 married people by a UK based dating service - Extra-Marital dating service, no less - marriage takes a toll on people's sex lives.

One-third of the people suyveyed admitted to no longer fancying their partner as much as they did in the early days, while more than 40% claimed that their partner had let themselves go!

The research also found that before marriage, couples have sex more than 4 times a week but after 3 years of marriage, they are likely to have sex less than once a week. 60% of couples even believed that marriage has completely ruined the excitement of having sex!

And here's a funny piece of statistic - almost 80% of married people prefer getting a good night's sleep to making the effort to have spontaneous sex in the middle of the night!

Hmmm...this survey isn't inspiring much confidence in me as far as marriage is concerned :)

One-fifth of the people polled also said that they would understand if their partner confessed to sleeping with someone else, so the more important question is - are we finally seeing marriages mature?

What's your take on this?

WHAT???!!!!!

I am truly shocked.

A friend who’s been married for two years - and whose identity & the issue that triggered this conversation I shall not disclose on a public forum such as this - recently told me that sex is, at most, 5% of a marriage!!!!!!!!!!

Now, why would he say something like that? Is it true?

Shudder shudder!!

As it is, marriage as a concept doesn’t have too many things going for it, as far as I am concerned. I mean, what does one have to look forward to after marriage? A lifetime of waking up to the other person’s morning breath? Physical & emotional “space” issues? Regular fights because people tend to give up their respective individual social lives and become clingy & needy of their partner? Bickering about whose turn it was to do the dishes or take the trash out? Adjustment issues with respect to the in-laws? Getting "knocked up" and waddling around for nine months, time after time? Chasing the kids you produce around the house with a plateful of food so THEY can survive? Or running around like a headless chicken cleaning up after them? (If there is anything less appealing to me than the idea of marriage, it's the idea of having children!!)

I’m sure marriage has a lot of good things to offer as well – companionship & a sense of emotional security (whatever little comes with it these days) – being the biggest things. But companionship at the expense of sex…is that what I want? HELL NO!!!!!

I don’t want to be one of those people whose college-going kid says, “I don’t think my parents are doing it anymore”, or “I don’t think they get it on”, or “I don’t think they get any action anymore”....or whatever the lingo when they grow up. I want to be the person who “gets it on” with her partner even when she’s 50+, and who goes with him on romantic holidays to Greece & the South of France with their life savings even after retirement.

So all ye married people reading this, do you think my friend was right? Is sex REALLY less than 5% of a marriage???

PS: No personal examples/details solicited, just your honest opinion. And this post is not intended to offend any married people/people with children. This is my very personal take on marriage & parenthood :)

A Life. A Choice.

They’re all around me. They stare me in the face wherever I go - married women who have changed the way they are to fit into the families they have married into.

I’m not referring to minor adjustments such as sharing the bathroom with the spouse, reaching a compromise on the temperature of the air-conditioner, learning to fall asleep with the TV on etc. It’s the changes that women make to their identities that are the most discomforting.

I know I have been writing about this a lot of late but it's all around me and it bugs me no end.

One thing I feel very strongly about is changing one’s last name after marriage. I am very sure I’m not going to be doing it, even if that means not marrying the person in question. It is non-negotiable. My name is an indispensable part of who I am; has been for as long as I’ve lived. Why should I be expected to change it just because I got married to someone? My identity is more important to me than a man - ANY man.

The other thing I cannot do is cook everyday. A friend of mine is about to get married to her boyfriend of four years, who told her that if she’s not willing to cook everyday he’ll have to re-consider marrying her!

I’m sorry but if the guy is used to having his mom cook for him everyday, that’s his problem - not mine. The personal decision that his mom took does not apply to me by default.

Surprisingly, my friend is okay with it though she doesn't know how to cook and has never cooked at her parent's house!

Women make numerous sacrifices to keep their in-laws happy. There are certain types of clothes they give up wearing after marriage (such as shorts, skirts, capris, sometimes even jeans!) because their in-laws aren’t okay with it.

I can’t ever take that kind of an intrusion into my personal life from anyone, including my husband. Being asked not to wear the kind of clothes I presently wear is unfathomable! I think I will simply turn around and ask the person to mind their own business, irrespective of who they are!

Without hesitation.

The life of a married woman starts getting dictated by the schedules and whims of her in-laws. This is particularly true for women who live with their in-laws. They can’t go out with friends whenever they want to. There are things they can & cannot do; places they can & cannot go to – because their in-laws tell them so.

I’ve always been so fiercely independent that such a thing is completely unacceptable to me.

The other thing I don’t understand is how women are okay with husbands who do not support them if there’s a tiff with the in-laws.

The men come up with this very convenient excuse of not wanting to take sides or be in a position where they have to choose between their parents and their wife.

Excuse me? You’re the one who has married me and brought me into your family, so you bloody well support me!

Yet another thing that a married woman is expected to do is to always put her husband’s parents before her own. In fact, it is not even an expectation; rather an assumption that the guy’s family makes.

I can never see myself putting my husband’s parents before my own. And why should I? I don’t see the guy returning the favor. I will give his parents all the respect that they deserve, help them out whenever I can but I can never neglect or be unfair to my parents.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of in life, it is that I am not going to compromise myself for anything or anyone in this world.

I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not deluded regarding life. I know enough couples to know that it doesn’t take very long after marriage (a couple of years at most) for the rose-tinted love glasses to come off and then you’re left to deal with reality. And reality is what you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

You’ll be left to live with a person you cares for you, values you, respects what you are, gives you the space you need, stands up for you when you need him to – or not. And I don’t want to be standing on the wrong side of the fence, even if that means not getting married for another 5 years.

That’s not very good news for my parents, is it? :)

I just upped the ante God knows how many times...but that’s okay. They'll live!

Some people might say these things are easier said than done. Surely they are but I’m also sure I have the courage to stick by them, because at the end of the day if we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will.

I might have come across very strongly in this post but that is just how strongly I feel about this issue. Neither am I apologetic about it to any man or woman who might get offended by it. If you're a man and offended by this post, I can understand. If you’re a woman and offended by it, you're probably trapped in this situation yourself, or see yourself in such a situation in the future. Either way, deal with it.

For those who feel the way I do, thank you :)

We get only one shot at life afterall.

A Gentle Reminder : Never Say Never

The man has admitted to rape in court.

Seems unbelievable, doesn't it? For as much as Shiney Ahuja claimed to be in love with his wife - who he’d apparently been seeing for a gazillion years before they got married & who stuck by him through his years of struggle etc. - he did rape his domestic help (by his own admission). How desperate does a man have to be to rape his maid? I thought it only happened in B-grade movies of the 1980s!

It’s also sad that a guy who is so talented - case in point Hazaron Khwahishen Aisi, Gangster, Life In A Metro etc. - would do something so heinous. I do think he is extremely talented & has now positively ruined his career!

Before he admitted to raping the woman, he claimed he had consensual sex with her. Rape or not, the incident reaffirms my belief that no woman can be entirely sure that her husband/boyfriend - irrespective of how committed he might seem - will never cheat on her physically and/or emotionally. We can at best hope he doesn't.

I personally have known way too many men who were married/in a committed relationship, yet cheating on their partner. For some, it was a case of “My sleeping with another woman doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife/girlfriend”. For some others it was about the girlfriend/wife being the “stability factor” in their life while they had some harmless fun on the side. As long as the wife/girlfriend doesn't know, no one's getting hurt!

I generally refrain from passing moralistic judgment on people & tagging them, so I wouldn’t go as far as calling it moral debauchery. The reality is that we’re living in an age where love, relationships & marriage are assuming a completely new & different meaning, and aren’t as sacrosanct as they used to be. It’s not important whether you & I accept this or not. Sooner or later we will be forced to. The ones that don’t will continue to live in their “My husband/boyfriend will never cheat on me” bubble while the man in question makes hay.

Many of you who read this blog are married or in a relationship. This post is not meant as an offence to anyone. I’m not implying that all husbands/boyfriends are cheats. All I’m saying is that it is a real possibility & it’s true for women as well, though to a lesser extent. What holds women back slightly, according to me, is that they are biologically programmed to be monogamous (where as men are not) & socially conditioned to center their entire attention & emotions on the one man in their lives.

I guess the wisest thing to do would be to be mentally prepared to deal with such a crisis in one's life if it ever arises, while secretly hoping it doesn't. And hope floats...or does it?

Knots

Yet another friend of mine has succumbed to family/societal pressure and agreed for an arranged marriage. The wedding has been fixed a few months from now & she’s just getting to know the guy! Her family managed to convince her that if she doesn’t get married now (she’s 29 and single), she won’t be able to get married ever - which is one of the most ridiculous marriage-propagating arguments I keep hearing all around me. I know plenty of women who got married post-30 and are having the time of their lives.

This post isn’t going to be about arranged marriages vs. marriages of choice but about why women succumb to pressure from their families, relatives, neighbors & society as a whole and get married at a time they don’t wish to get married at or to someone they hardly know/care about.

I’ve known quite a few women - including highly educated, financially independent, successful career women - who have agreed to an arranged marriage, knowing fully well that that isn’t what they’d ideally want. Yet they have gone ahead and made a compromise – probably the biggest of their lives! I have also known women who have decided - in their early-mid 20s - to marry the person they might have been seeing at that point in time, even gone to the extent of getting engaged, only to call the wedding off later! A couple even called their wedding off one day before the wedding itself!!

All this makes me wonder…why this desperation to get married? Why make such a big compromise to settle for an arranged marriage when you know that’s not what you want? Why agree to get married to someone you’re seeing at that point in time just because you’re of “marriageable age”? Why this mad rush to get married??

I agree that marriage is a natural progression in life. Most of us want to get married for companionship and for the stability, security etc. that marriage is supposed to bring to our lives. Personally for me, the right time to get married is when you meet someone you want to spend each day of your life with and not when you’ve reached a particular age. Can you be truly happy if you got married just because you thought you should at a particular time? Compromises, broken engagements and bitter memories is what I think you get if you do.

Most women give in to the pressure to get married because they want to have kids by a particular age. The biological clock at work argument. Again, I personally don’t get the big deal about wanting to have children. If anything, it’s a painful experience. But even for those who believe that a woman is not complete until she becomes a mother and blah blah (which needless to say I think is a load of crap) do you want to make such a big compromise and risk being unhappy for as long as you live, just so you can have kids by 30??

It baffles me, this eagerness to get married. Funny thing is that marriages these days don’t even come with a guarantee of their basic promise - that you’ll get companionship, stability, security etc. for the rest of your life! Divorce rates are soaring. Couples are getting divorced within 2-3 years of getting married. Cheating & unfaithfulness are rampant. Honestly, I don’t think any of us can bet our lives on our spouse being faithful to us all our lives. Sure, go on and expect it...after all that is one of the USPs of marriage...pray with all your might that they are never unfaithful to you...but don’t count on it.

My sister got married to her boyfriend of five years when she was only 24, and right until the day of the wedding I was anxious for her. Will they make it to the wedding? Will they be able to sustain their marriage? After all, we don’t know jack s**t about what we want out of life in our early twenties, irrespective of how mature we might think we are. And even if we think we know what we want from life, there is a very high chance that that is likely to change a few years down the line.

So where do I see myself standing in this mad rush to get married? Well...I’m 29, unmarried and don't see any marital clouds looming on the horizon yet. I've been facing parental pressure since the last 3-4 years just like anyone else my age I know. But if I’ve made it without a compromise till this point, my guess is I’ll manage to pull through till I find someone I genuinely truly want to spend my life with. But that's just me and as they say, it takes all kinds :)