The One Year Itch

I recently read an article on how the seven year itch has become passé. Couples have started facing issues in their marriage within the first year itself.

Let me say at the outset that this wouldn't apply to every couple, obviously. This is a general trend that's seen to be developing in Indian society of late. And I agree.

All around me I hear of and read about people getting divorced. This phenomenon is not restricted to celebrities anymore. There are quite a few people I know personally who have divorced/are in the process of getting divorced within a few years of marriage.

As far as celebrities go, we're reading about an ex-Bollywood actress contemplating divorce for the second time in her 3-4 year old marriage. The first time around, the couple took a vacation together and somehow managed to save their marriage. Will they be successful this time around as well? Are they even trying? Notably, the couple got married within a month or so of the actress breaking up with her then fiancé, so one wonders whether her decision to get married to her current husband was a hasty one. This morning I also read about a British actress splitting from her Indian industrialist husband. They've been married only two & a half years.

Closer home, there are two friends of mine who got married within a year of meeting each other. They come from very different social and financial backgrounds and the girl could not deal with the conservative thinking and financial habits of her in-laws as well as their constant interference in her life. The couple started having issues within 6 months, and 2 years later they're separated and waiting for their divorce to come through. Another friend filed for divorce 6 months after getting married. Her husband is a habitual cheater, and 6 months after marrying him she decided she couldn't take it anymore! I wonder why she got married to him in the first place? Did she really think he'd clean up his act? Does that ever happen?

My views on marriage aside (on which I've done very many posts & will spare you the brutality :), I've been thinking of why marriages have come to have such a short shelf-life.

Come to think of it, when a friend/relative celebrates, say their 5th marriage anniversary, many of us react by saying "Oh wow, 5 years together!", without even realizing the implications of what we just said. 10th anniversary, and this surprise turns into marvel. "Oh man, 10 years!!!!!" This is a sign of the times we live in. It's a sign of how the dynamics of relationships have changed.

So obviously, since I've been thinking I've reached a conclusion. If you're interested I'll tell you why I think fewer marriages work these days (this is my opinion alone and I'm no marriage counsellor :) If you aren't, you can skip the rest of this post.

To begin with, our generation is in a tearing hurry to get married and I don't know why! People decide to get married within a year, two years, and sometimes within months of knowing each other. That makes me wonder if they even know WHY they're getting married? I'm sorry but "I love him and can't live without him" is just not a good enough reason to take such a big step because once the reality of life kicks in - which will be sooner rather than later once you start living together - you will not be so much "in love with him" anymore.

I don't mean to preach, but we've got to have clear reasons for getting married. We should get married if we want to build a life together or share some of life's experiences together, not to prove a point to our family/friends or society.

Before we take the plunge, we need to make sure our basic philosophies in life are similar and if not, we need to have a clearly defined action plan on how we'll combat situations where we don't see eye-to-eye. We need to have common goals and aspirations for ourselves as a couple (though personal goals may vary). We need to be sure we can live with the habits (some of which WILL be irritating) and idiosyncrasies of the other person 24x7 because these things have a way of getting magnified when you're living in close proximity with someone. But most importantly, we need to be sure that we're mentally and emotionally ready for marriage because it takes a lot of commitment, hard work, trust, understanding and compromise. And all of these come from maturity.

Our generation is also low on patience and tolerance levels. We want quick solutions to every problem, and with increasing career demands on both partners we have neither the time nor the energy to work on a troubled marriage. Getting out of it seems to be the easier way of dealing with the mess, particularly since divorce no more connotes such a huge stigma as it used to, and plenty of divorced people do go on to date new people, start new relationships and get married again.

Financial independence has given a new sense of confidence to women. Working women in bad or even indifferent marriages feel there's no reason to suffer silently. They're simply less conditioned to give in than they used to be, and if they're not happy in their marriage they prefer moving on.

Then there is the issue of not working out the details of life together before taking the plunge. This ties to my first point of getting married in a hurry. We forget to work out answers to some pertinent questions that may give rise to marital disharmony later and become the basis of a failed marriage. What expectations do we have of each other as husband & wife? Are we willing to/able to fulfil those expectations? How will we deal with conflicts? How will we find solutions to problems where our points of view differ? What kind of spending habits will we have? How much interference by parents-in-law and other relatives is OK? How important are our respective friends going to be? What do we think of having kids? What kind of lifestyle changes do we expect each other to make? How are we going to share our space? These questions may seem trivial but trust me they can be fatal to a marriage. Married people may agree with me on this!

Then there is the issue of growing infidelity and the toll that the constant suspicion takes on a marriage. Is our generation really less loyal than the generations before us, or is it that the cases of infidelity are being exposed more? Are people who cheat on their partners less afraid to admit they slipped up than they used to be? Are people more aware and open about their sexual and emotional needs and less hesitant to pursue gratification with people other than their spouses? Whatever the reason might be, infidelity stares us in the face whichever way we turn, and we have become more intolerant of it because we know divorce is easier to get now than it used to be and it's not the end of the world.

This is the age when all the myths associated with marriage - such as marriages are made in heaven, there's only one person for all of us, when you meet your soulmate, you'll know he/she is the one etc. - are getting debunked. Marriages come with a 'fragile' tag and we can't breathe easy once we've tied the knot. On the contrary, that's when the real work begins.

Are we up to the challenge?

We Just Never Learn

Never will.

The exit to the roof of the building (that was safe from the fire till the end) was locked. There was no spiral staircase on the outside of the building to help escape the inferno. Grills on windows prevented people from being rescued.

The fire department didn’t arrive with the hydraulic ladders for about an hour and did not use fire cushions that could have broken the fall of people jumping off the building to escape the fire. Why? Because they had some payment issues with the private company who supplied them the fire cushions due to which the company hadn’t given them a demonstration on how to use the cushions!!

The floors that caught fire were constructed illegally and the KMC, instead of preventing its construction, accepted money as penalty and let the builders carry on with the construction.

The fire claimed 25 people, several are missing and many others are battling for their lives in hospital. A helpless crowd watched people jump off the building to escape getting charred to death, but dying anyway. Common people that you and I would encounter lolling on the sidewalk tried to break their fall with bed sheets while the fire department, whose job description incidentally entails responding to emergency situations promptly & with urgency, took their own sweet time to arrive (one hour??) and came unprepared.

And as is typical to our country, the administration has “reacted” to the incident. The Fire Minister has admitting to having learnt a lesson - that hydraulic stairs & fire engines should be kept in Esplanade, the central business district of Calcutta, rather than the deep South Behala and the far flung Salt Lake. And that the fire department will now be inspecting all heritage structures for compliance to fire safety regulations.

Unlike a lot of people who have grown up in Calcutta, I have no such Park Street memories. But watching people jump to death, a thud and a piercing scream as they hit the ground and blood starts oozing out from all body parts, can wrench anyone’s heart.

It’s unbelievable how time and again we don’t fail to demonstrate that we are such a failed state.

Will You Work While I Take a Break?

Why is it that when I tell A that I’m completely sick of work and want to take a break, he is all supportive? To the extent of saying that he’ll take care of me financially while I'm not working, will cut down on his own expenses so I can have ALL his extra money (just leave him enough to pay his EMIs & a little bit for his personal expenses :) Which makes me go all ‘awwwwwww...’ over him and this tremendous wave of love & affection for him washes over me :P

But when I tell him that I intend to take a 6-month break when I get married, his reaction goes something like this: “You want to quit working & be dependent on your husband? You women have it so easy in life! You can happily quit your jobs when you get married & expect your husband to take care of you! But does anyone care to ask the husband if he wants to take a break too? Would you support your husband if he decides to quit his job?”

To which I reply, “Of course, I will. If I wish to quit my job & expect him to take care of me financially, it’s only fair that I support him if he wants to do the same.”

But I don’t think my argument cuts much ice with him :) The man has issues with any kind of convention, so he’s OK with me taking a break b/c I’m sick of working but not with me quitting just b/c I know I have a husband who'll take care of me.

And though it’s funny because he has contradictory reactions to the same action, i.e. taking a break from work, it also got me thinking.

We (women) are so conditioned to think of the man as the primary breadwinner that it’s almost unimaginable to think of him as being unemployed for even a short span of time. We expect men to work non-stop their entire lives, while we’re OK with taking an extended break from work ourselves. And while I say that I’ll support my man if he decides to take a break, I don’t know how I’ll deal with it if it actually happens. While I will definitely support him financially (if I have a job, that is :), will I do it gladly? Will I be able to appreciate his need to take a break just as I would mine? Or will there be a thousand questions in my mind about how we’ll we able to maintain our lifestyle, travel & do the other things we wish to do that cost money?

What about you? Especially if you’re a woman, how would you react if your husband told you he wants to take a break from work?

This Pattern Needs to Break Itself

Starting the year with visits to the doctor’s, path labs etc. is what I’m referring to. It’s been a pattern for the last few years and it’s terribly upsetting. I mean, you don’t want to be starting your year being sick and lining up for check-ups at doctors’ clinics & various tests at hospitals.

2008 started with chronic pharyngitis that took me almost the entire year to get over as the throat infection would just keep coming back. 2009 started with unbelievably rapid weight gain (2 kgs in one week!!) that sent me scurrying to the doctor and then to the hospital to check for polycystic ovaries & hypothyroidism. And 2010 has started with a stomach bug. A short trip over the New Year weekend turned out into a sick weekend that saw me mostly on the bed & on antibiotics. Which meant, no street food, no shopping, no meeting my fabulous friends who call that city home (Vinny, if you’re reading this, now you know why I didn’t get around to calling you :(

I’m hoping 2010 is GOOD and that the first few days do not set the pattern for the rest of the year. Here are the tangible things I want to be looking at by the end of this year:

1. 7 kgs weight-loss (minimum 5)
2. Better fitness levels
3. Better all-round health
4. Cutting down on my expenses by 10-15%
5. At least a few lacs sitting pretty in my bank account
6. Respectable investments
7. A more stylish wardrobe

And with all the positive influences around me (read a boy who believes being over-weight & non-stylish are the two biggest crimes on this planet, punishable by death) and the fact that I now live in a city that doesn’t force you to be counting how many pennies you have left in your bank account at the end of each month, I think the goals mentioned above should be attainable.

In my defense though, I’m not technically over-weight. According to the BMI calculator, I’m on the border of normal & over-weight. And I think I’m reasonably stylish. Just that the goddamn companies want only skinny people to wear their clothes these days, so finding an outfit that I like AND that flatters my body (that is of cow-like proportions right now) is tougher than finding a needle in a haystack. And unfortunately for me, I don't possess the patience of The Boy who can spend an entire day trying to find a pair of jeans or a t-shirt that he likes, and is still perfectly happy to not have found anything by the end of the day!!

Shock Laga?

Sex sells. Why else would Om Puri’s wife make only those parts of his biography public before the launch of the book, that deal with his sexual encounters with his maids?

Om Puri went running to the media as if bit by a rabid dog, yelling that his wife has made the most sacred parts of his life (really? sex with the maid?) sound like cheap and lurid gossip. He further went on to say that one of the maid servants, Laxmi, with whom he got sexually involved had raised him, and the physical (and apparently also emotional) relationship he had with her was his homage to her loyalty and the fact that she looked after him unconditionally.

Excuse me? Am I missing a point here? She took care of him, he gave her sex...what exactly is unconditional about that transaction?

There’s something extremely funny about this entire thing. You see, if Laxmi raised Om Puri as he claims, that makes her second to his mother. And who pays a mother-like figure back by having sex with her?? Warped, no?

Om Puri also claims that his wife didn’t let him read the biography after she wrote it. I find that hard to believe. Preposterous.

Here’s my take on the entire episode…Sure, this is a publicity stunt for the book. Nandita knew, and rightly so, that there would be no takers for the biography of someone like Om Puri who has neither had a meteoric rise to fame a la Shah Rukh Khan, nor is seen to be a mysterious personality such as Rekha, nor is his life ridden with controversies as, say, that of Parveen Babi. So she leaked only those parts of the book to the media that contained sordid details of his sexual liaisons with his maid servants. Om Puri further oiled the publicity machine by calling his wife names in public, and then apologized to her publicly as well, probably after the publishers showed him a carrot. I also think that this was Nandita’s way of getting back at her husband for having had physical relationships with maid servants!! She sugar-coated it in the form of a biography, a “tribute” to her husband, and stabbed him nice & deep. Clever woman, Nandita.

BTW…I think having sex with the maid servant is the depth of desperation. I thought those tales of men salivating at maids with their pallu tucked between their breasts and their bended over bottoms was all just a myth. But the Shiney Ahuja episode & now this proves otherwise.

*****

I feel bad for Shamita Shetty. While she was locked inside the Big Boss house, going on & on about how close she is to Shilpa Shetty and how much she misses Shilpa and her fiancée now that they spend a considerable amount of time in London, Shilpa Shetty got engaged and even fixed a date for the wedding to take place without Shamita around.

I don’t want to judge anyone here simply because there might have been certain compelling reasons for Shilpa Shetty to do what she did (but none that have been mentioned till now), but this is just a very sad thing to happen. How can you get married without your only sister present? Hell, Shamita wouldn’t even have known of the wedding had it not been for Pravesh Rana! Isn’t that terrible? I mean surely Shilpa could’ve waited for another month? Or did Raj Kundra, after gifting her a 2.5 crore engagement ring, promise her another few crores to marry him?

Desi TomKat, anyone?

People!

Bloating – check
Crazy ass mood swings – check
Irritability – check
Snappiness – check
Murderous tendencies – check
Hormones hitting the wall of my head like electrons in a nuclear reactor during fission – check
Random desire to cry without provocation & for no reason at all – check
Wanting something & not wanting it at the same time – check

Any guesses what game we’re playing?
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Oh well, let it be.

Let’s talk about ‘Sach Ka Saamna’ (the Indian adaptation of ‘The Moment of Truth’). Not about whether the show should be aired at all on TV, how it’s ruining the moral fibre of the 'great moralistic nation called India’, how it’s turning us all into voyeurs & all that baloney. To read what I feel about such issues, please go here.

I want to talk about the psyche of the people who come on the show.

They participate willingly. They definitely don’t look destitute to me, even if I discount all that bling on their clothes and overdone make-up. They are regular middle class people who reveal their most sordid, intimate secrets to the television channel so the dirt can be splashed on their faces in front of their spouse & family (who are hit the worst), their extended family & friends who must be watching them on TV, and an entire nation full of conservative, judgmental people!! Going by the confessions the contestants make, I’m sure they pretty much wreck their lives.

Of course, they come for the money though they claim they come because they want to confess to their spouse/family, unburden themselves of guilt by facing the truth head-on etc. If you really wish to confess, you can do it within the confines of your bedroom just as well. You need not do so on national television. They come for the money alright but sadly, most of them don’t even go back with an awful lot of it. The lie detector trips them & they usually go back with a few lacs at most. I really don’t understand why anyone would wreck their lives for a few lacs of rupees.

Oh well…it takes all kinds, I guess. There is no dearth of amusement in this world, people being the biggest of it all. My brother-in-law’s reaction to the show hit home. He said, “I never realized ordinary people have such extraordinary lives!”

I didn’t either.

PS: I couldn't think of a better title for this post. We're all people, you know. 'You' are people, 'I' am people, so are the 'people' who go on that show...they are people too. Even animals are people. I mean, they are animals but they have feelings too...so I guess that makes them people too, no? And what about plants? Are they 'people' too? You know how they say that plants too feel happy & sad...they sway when they feel happy? Or was that something only my crazy grandparents said? That sounds like something Luna Lovegood would say! She's people too! See...people again! There are people everywhere. There are so many people in this world! You can't even get a house at a reasonable rent these days because of so many goddamn people, all of whom want to live in houses! And people do weird things. And they feel strange, especially when the hormones are jacked up. People are jumping around in my head right now! And I'll stop before my head explodes!!!!!

Beloved Bandra

I think I am going to be sick. I was browsing this site for houses on rent in Bandra (W), my erstwhile home. The rent that landlords are asking for is ridiculously insane!

It started from Rs 20,000 & went up to Rs 60,000 (I’m not kidding!!) for a 1 Bedroom Hall Kitchen apartment of 300-600 sq ft!!!!!

I mean, is that even real?? Are there people out there who are willing to sign up for such insanity??

Apparently, there are, else landlords wouldn’t be making such insane demands in the first place. And I thought recession had driven real estate prices in Bombay down?

What price does a person really have to pay in Bombay to be able to live in a place of his/her choice?

Will I ever be able to go back & live in my beloved Bandra again? :(

Things Fall Apart

All the time in relationships & friendships. Due to misunderstandings, unmet expectations, misplaced accusations, incriminations, people making a judgment about something you might have said or done - or not!

Sometimes your closest friends fail to understand you. Sometimes they are quick to form conclusions. Sometimes they are so blinded by expectations, they can’t bring themselves to respect the way you are and accept you for it. You try and explain it to them a few times, make it up to them, take the (misplaced) blame even, just so you can preserve a friendship that means something to you. But you do reach a point when the only thing you can do is let go. For how long can you keep acting the way people expect you to act?

I don’t understand why people expect you to act a particular way in the first place, and get offended & upset when you don’t! Is that fair? Agreed, there has to be some level of expectations in relationships & close friendships, but the beauty of a friendship over a relationship is that you’re not supposed to prosecute a friend over unmet expectations. Friendships lose their meaning the moment they become binding.

Especially for free-spirited people like me. I dislike being tied down just as I detest tying others down. You will not find me holding grudges against friends who forget to call back or do not call back for whatever reason. If I want to talk to them badly enough, I call them back. I don't sulk when a friend cancels. It's okay...things can come up. The world isn't about to end, and neither is our friendship. I do not expect people to act one way or the other, I do not hold them to what I think they should do! I give them their space when I feel they need it, they do not need to spell it out.

Similarly, I need my friends to not expect me to act in a certain way & get upset when I don't. If you can't understand this bit about me even though you claim to know me so well, our friendship had a chance in hell to begin with!

Unfortunately, as I have learnt the hard way many times over, not acting the way your friends expect you to act can often be misconstrued as not caring enough, not being committed enough to the friendship or not valuing it enough. Apparently, bonding over brownies & cheesecakes & shopping for shoes isn't enough to seal friendships. Is anything?

Friendships thrive when there is a willingness to accept the other person the way they are.
They are meant to be fun zones, not an element of life that stresses you out & ties you down. That’s what relationships are for! Sometimes, your closest friends fail to realize this, and you wake up to this realization only after things have fallen apart. Completely.

P.S.: Title of the post borrowed from Chinua Achebe. Feeling expressed - heartfelt.

Charmed Life

My office overlooks the American Consulate. The diplomats & staff stay within the premises. Every morning, without exception, you can see their kids playing in the well-manicured, lush green garden of the embassy.

I envy them!! They play in bright sunshine all morning while I sit in front of a computer screen in an artificially controlled environment, doing work that wouldn’t have mattered to the dolphins of sub-Saharan Africa (if they existed) & being delusional about the relevance of my work!

Don’t these kids have school???

Watching them play makes me want to go down & start playing...anything! The garden with the bright sunshine is so inviting!

Remember playing ‘It’ as a kid? The game where you chase people & when you manage to get hold of someone, they become ‘It’? No one wanted to be ‘It’ b/c it would get so difficult to chase people!

Or hopscotch!

Or badminton!

Or Hide & Seek!

Remember how earnestly we used to hide behind furniture...under the bed... inside the closet...behind doors...in dark corners? And the excitement when the 'Seeker' came towards us...how fervently we used to pray that he/she is not able to find us!

Life as a kid was so much fun. All we were expected to do was go to school, come back home, sleep, play, study, have dinner & go to bed again! There were no bills/EMIs/rent to pay...there was no reason to worry about our future or where we want to see ourselves five years down the line...no deadlines to meet...no appraisals to worry about...no commitments or obligations...we did not have to worry about managing our finances...we did not have to take any life-altering decisions...Yet we cribbed so much about school & having to study after school? :)

Life was blissful then! Don't you wish we never had to grow up?

The Liberated Woman of the 21st Century

"He has to take the decision. I take permission from him even if I have to go for coffee or dinner with friends. My priority is my family. He will decide if it is right or not right for me."

- Manyata Dutt on being asked whether she would contest the elections on a SP ticket if Sanjay Dutt was not able to

Weighting for Spring

By now the whole world & their dead forefathers know that I’m at constant war with my weight. Every now & then I flip out majorly because I think I’ve put on wayyyyy too much weight.

I gymmed regularly for about 8 months in 2007-2008, lost weight & then I stopped going to the gym. Not because I thought I’d lost all the weight I wanted to…I just stopped going. And the thing with gymming is that once you stop going, it’s very difficult to go back. The thing with gymming also is that once you stop going, you tend to pile on all the weight you had lost & even more!!!!!

Needless to say, I re-gained all the weight I had lost and more.

After tremendous prodding from those who’re close to me & tremendous-er (I've taken the liberty of coming up with this word) self-motivation, I joined Talwalkar’s in Calcutta at the end of November. I went religiously for a month, worked my a** off, lost a little bit of weight, became slightly leaner and then…..

Disaster struck.

MY MOTHER CAME VISITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Need I say more?

An Indian woman who gets to see her child for say, a week, every 3-4 months will undoubtedly & relentlessly feed her child with the richest, oiliest, fatteningest ghar ka khana she can cook!

What followed my mother's arrival was 10 days of parathas (all kinds…aaloo ka paratha, gobi ka paratha, peas paratha, paneer paratha), puris, gajar ka halwa made in ghee (it’s winter after all, THE SEASON for gajar ka halwa), kheer etc. etc.

I had a situation - that of over-nourishment - which was exacerbated by the fact that December was holiday season. So there were different types of cakes & chocolates being brought into the house what with Christmas, New Year et al.

There was plum cake, rum & raisin cake, chocolate cake, dark chocolate cake, hazelnut chocolate, macademia nut chocolate, dark chocolate ya di ya da. There was no time to go to the gym...mom was here only for 10 days afterall. Hadn't seen her since Diwali (which, errrrrrr, was only 2 months ago but the point of moving to Calcutta was to be able to see my parents more frequently, right?)

As a result THERE HAS BEEN POSITIVELY NO GYMMING SINCE DECEMBER 25th. Even though mommy dearest has gone back, it’s so cold, cloudy & gloomy in Calcutta, and it gets dark so early (like, 5pm!!) that I just can’t bring myself to go to gym after work.

All I want to do is go back home, wrap myself up in a comforter with a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate (You see! Why can’t I just sip something like milk-less green tea or aloe vera tea or some exotic crap like that which will not only NOT make me fatter, but will also do some of the anti-oxidation/detoxification stuff it's supposed to do to my blood) & either read or watch television/movie.

This is a dangerous trend & it’s scaring me shitless because I don’t want history repeating itself so soon. So what I need is for the weather to get warmer so I stop finding excuses to miss the gym. But then I love winters, no?

I guess I love Spring as well.

Sigh….Why must life be so complicated?

PS: There are so many IIM graduates that go on to become entrepreneurs. Why can't any of them come up with a machine which can suck all the fat that you want to lose out of your body & prevent you from gaining it back ever? Come to think of it, it will be such a brilliant & useful invention. I mean, there hasn't been a single useful invention since the invention of electricity. This could be right up there with the World's Most Useful Inventions of All Times. People go around inventing useless things like butter sticks (similar to glue sticks), solar powered flashlights (didn't whoever invented it stop even for a second to think WHY SOMEONE WOULD NEED A FLASHLIGHT WHEN THERE IS SUNLIGHT AROUND???), non-stick cellotape, black highlighter pens, water-filled bras etc., and no one, not a single b-school graduate, can think of inventing something so relevant as a fat-sucking machine!!! I mean, what's wrong with this world????? I'm losing my faith in the human species.