He's Just Not That Into You

Have you seen the movie? It's got a whole bunch of people in it - Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Bradley Cooper (sigh!), Ben Affleck, Justin Long. And it's every woman's story!

All of us women have gone through most of the situations that are shown in the movie. The girl who's been in a relationship with a guy for a long long time but he doesn't want to marry her because, apparently, he doesn't believe in marriage. And the girl doesn't keep harping on it because she doesn't want to be clingy and needy and force him to do something he isn't ready for yet. And she keeps waiting for him to come around, until one day she realizes he's never going to marry her. She breaks up with him and the next she hears of him is that he's getting married to some hot 22 year old, or in the case of Indian men to some "homely girl with Indian values" of his parents' choice!

Or the girl who relentlessly pursues men who aren't really into her or don't deserve her while all along confiding in a guy friend who listens to her and talks her through her heartbreaks and rejections. Till she realizes that he's the guy she's most comfortable with and is meant to be with.

Or the girl who gets dumped by her boyfriend for completely ludicrous reasons such as "it's not you, it's me" (heard that so many times, ugh!). Or "I don't deserve you" (excuse me while I go find myself a barf bag). Or worst of all "I'm so jealous of whoever you end up with" (hello, it could've been you!)

Or the girl who falls in love with a man who's married or about to get married to his long-time girlfriend who he loves very much but need not necessarily be 'in love' with. He wants to be with the other woman but he isn't willing to walk out on his wife/girlfriend either, and it's the women get screwed in the process. Of course, in the movie it's the guy who ends up getting screwed - because movies have a sense of justice. Real life doesn't.

I recently came across a quote that went "Behind every gorgeous woman is a man who's bored of her". Now, that's quite a scary thought! It goes against every grain of optimism in my body, yet the cynic in me yells that it's so very true. And guess what....the cynic wins! For how else do you explain what we see all around us....men with the most gorgeous wives/girlfriends who will not fail to cheat if an opportunity presents itself.

And then there are people in this world who've never had their hearts broken. They just cannot comprehend what someone who's recently had their heart broken is going through b/c they've never had to face a feeling of having been hurt and let down. Do I envy them? Of course I to! They live in a state of bliss. They've never had to deal with a feeling of rejection, hurt and disappointment. All that bull about break ups teaching you a lot about life and yourself was designed by authors of self-help books whose books would otherwise not sell a single copy.

Okay, maybe there's some truth to that claim. Break ups do shape the person you become to a certain extent. But I'd rather have a happy life, thank you very much.

So the question really is 'what is true love'? Nicolas Sarkozy, the President of France has a very different point of view on love and faithfulness in relationships. In an interview I read recently in The Times of India, he says that according to him being faithful to a woman means not abandoning her, it doesn't mean not straying. So long as a man stays with his woman, he should be considered faithful and his dalliances with other women should be ignored.

It's a very complicated theory but unfortunately that's the way relationships are evolving these days. Men have a completely different view on love and relationships than women, and the two couldn't be more divergent. And the way I see it, this entire thing about men's unwillingness to commit and likelihood of straying will only increase over time. The question is, are women ready to deal with this changing face of love and relationships? Because we WILL need to deal with it at some point. And the answer, sadly, is a resounding 'no'. We're not ready yet.

Will we ever be? I don't know.

The Voice Within

Hey You,

Yes you...the girl sitting at the computer, working away furiously as if your life depended on it. Ignoring the hunger pangs, the tired body and mind that are crying out for a break. Yes, I'm talking to you.

I'm back as you can see. So let's have another chat, shall we?

Really, I thought you were a girl that wanted a job, not a career. Or were you?

You're spending ten hours a day in front of a computer in an artificial, closed, air-conditioned environment while the sun is shining in all its winter glory outside. You don't even have the time to open the blind to let some of that soft sunshine filter in.

Is this what you wanted out of your life? Do you even know what you're running after? Are you really looking forward to reaching the point where your life is all about targets and sleepless nights because you fell short by an arm or a leg?

What about your love for the outdoors, your dream of traveling the world, your desire to know when you look back at your life that it's been about more than spreadsheets and PowerPoint? What about that language you wanted to learn, the book you wanted to write, the trip you wanted to take across Europe, the commitments you wanted to make to your health and fitness...when do you plan to do those? If you haven't had time for them in the thirty years of your life gone by, you won't in the next thirty either. And then what...you will regret the life you've let slip by your fingers just as you regret not having made the most of the six years you've been working.

So, give me an answer. Do you want a job that let's you experience things in life that you need money for, and still gives you the time to experience things that money can't buy? Such as time to soak up the winter sun, to write that book you always wanted to write, time that you can spend with The Boy and your parents (who by the way aren't going to be around forever, in case you didn't realize). Or do you want a career with more responsibilities and more stress that leaves your pulse racing, your mind hassled and cluttered, leaves you with an irritable mood and with no time for loved ones?

I know you're going to ignore me again. Shoo me away. Ask me to leave you alone. I will for now. But you know what...I'll keep trying. Till the time you decide to listen to what I'm saying. Because I know it's not your fault...I wish the world was nicer to its people.

Should We Become Less Uptight About "Going Dutch"?

Stumbled upon this article that talks about Dutch women working less, having a big gender pay gap and loving it.

According to this article, most Dutch women work half days, meet their friends for coffee at 2 p.m., and pity their male colleagues who are stuck in office all day!

Now that's a life any working woman will be willing to trade her present life for (working beyond office hours, not being able to meet friends for coffee even after work, and still having to crib about sexism at work). The flip side, of course, being that we'll have to depend on the male species for money. Is that something I'm willing to make my peace with? I don't know. What I wouldn't mind of course is working half day, making enough money to be able to meet my personal and very important shopping needs :D and the rest can be taken care of by the man! They are genetically programmed to be ambitious, ruthlessly competitive, and more objective about work than women, anyway.

What are your views on this article?

My New Year Post

We're on the 4th day of 2011 (already!!!)

The year got off to a wrong start - my laptop stopped working and I've come back to so much work after my mini new year break that posting from office has been difficult. And I can see a hell lot of work coming my way this year, so my posts may be few & far between. But this is the place I come to retain my sanity, to push all the hassles of life outside my mind for some time, so I'll make sure I blog as much as I can.

How did you bring in the new year? I brought it in in a way that I think makes me old but people in my age group (30-45 years!!!!!) think is a wise thing to do on New Years' Eve - stay home surrounded by people you love.

Really, I stopped partying on New Years' Eve many years ago. What's so attractive about over-crowded parties, headache-inducing traffic jams that ensure you wish each other Happy New Year! in the car itself never mind the fat cash you paid for entry to the 'it' party in town, and massive holes in the pocket? I'll keep that cash to buy myself a new bag & shoes, and save myself that headache that would come in the way of some rocking sex later on in the night, thank you! (Just so we make sure that we get enough bags and shoes and rocking sex during the rest of the year, you see :)

I've decided not to do the introspecting-retrospecting-stock taking shit this year. Maybe the 30th year has finally brought me some wisdom! But mostly because there's nothing to take stock of...HA HA!

I casually checked my post from a year ago - my new year resolution post for 2010 - and what I realized was past shocking. It was comical. The 7kg weight loss that was supposed to happen has turned into a 5kg weight gain, fitness levels are abysmally low, spending habits have gone from bad to worse, and investments are way below the levels they should've been at.

So I've decided I'm going to be conservative in my resolutions for 2011. Here's what I plan to do - and hopefully will be successful in doing - in this brand new, shiny, new year (grammar freaks please excuse):

1. I'll stop fretting over losing weight and will instead focus on overall fitness. That means I'll eat healthy, eat 5-6 small meals every day and work out as frequently as I can. Which should do the job. Isn't that the approach that glamazons like Bipasha Basu, Kareena Kapoor and their multi-millionairess fitness consultants advise? If that doesn't work I'll try yoga, power yoga, artistic yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi, Thai kick boxing, kettle bell, circuit training, resistance training, calisthenics...there are plenty of options out there. And if I die while I scurry around like a headless chicken doing all of the above, I'll know whose dreams to haunt. Those glamazons'. And no Mr Reebok, I don't want your Rs 8000 ass-tone shoes.
2. I'll cut down on my expenses (swear to those luscious Aldo shoes I saw the other day, I will) and increase my savings. Mango & Promod will continue to exist without my charity. I'll make a budget every month and stick to it. I do not need new clothes every week. I do not need to eat out every other day. I have enough bags & shoes. I do not need to build a stockpile of imported shampoos & body washes in my bathroom. I do not need to stock up on imported sauces that cost the GDP of a small country and lie unused in my fridge till even the fungii refuse to colonize them. I do not need to randomly buy people gifts b/c no one buys me any gifts anyway :(
3. I'll get over my fear of driving and learn to bloody drive!!!!!
4. I'll go on 2 long vacations during the year. And at least one mini vacation. I'm reclaiming my life.
5. I'll spend more time with my parents.

That's it - short & sweet.

I tried to find a word that I can use to most aptly define the year gone by, for me. The only word I could come up with was 'MEH'. That's what 2010 was for me - meh. It was a year of status quo, personally and professionally.

The prognosis for 2011 looks bleak - an impending relocation, bigger job responsibilities, and emotional challenges that are going to be difficult to overcome. But I'm determined to sail through - by taking one day at a time, by not worrying about things that are beyond my control, by focusing on my goals for the year and blinding myself to everything else. 'Coz I've got to see you on the other side of 2011, yo.

A very Happy New Year to you :)

Indian Hypocrisy Shines Through Yet Again

Just what is wrong if Mr Obama is against outsourcing jobs to India?

He is the President of the United States, it's his responsibility to worry about the rising unemployment levels and protect jobs in his country.

The United States government is doing what a good government is supposed to do - care for its citizens and ensure their well-being. It's OUR problem if our economy is so heavily dependent on outsourcing, not theirs.

There really is no reason for Indians to criticize him. How would we react if people from other Third World countries start emigrating to India for better jobs? We can't even tolerate people from UP & Bihar moving to Mumbai to work!

I can understand politicians jumping on to the anti-Obama wagon - they are populists. But why is the media and other educated thought leaders criticizing Obama for his anti-outsourcing stance? Why are we so eager to show to the world time & again what hypocrites we really are?

Dabangg...and Other Things

The 'Dabangg' frenzy has reached hysterical levels. Some guys at work have already watched the movie twice and they're planning to watch it again this weekend! I’m missing my beloved Gaiety-Galaxy :(

Seriously, the movie is insane. It's too crazy to be reviewed, so I'll just say go watch it if you like or can at least tolerate Salman Khan.

'Dabangg' plays straight to the gallery and makes no bones about it. The movie is ludicrous - Rajnikant style action, dialogues riddled with sexual innuendos & toilet humor, a script straight from the 70s (step-brothers who grow up hating each other but reconcile in the end, sons avenging their mother's death etc.), a rebel hero and a demure heroine, straight lifts from Sherlock Holmes & The Matrix, raunchy item song - it's got it all. And yet, you'll clap and whistle your way throughout. I think the last movie to have generated such hysteria was Rajnikant’s ‘Sivaji’!!

‘Dabangg’ works because of one man alone - Salman Khan. He's THE dude. No one can play a character as quirky as Chulbul 'Robinhood' Pandey like Salman Khan can. He doesn’t try to “act” in this movie - just does the usual shit we’ve come to associate with him, and you have a blast watching him at it. Frankly, I can't see ANY other actor being able to do this role.

I'll say a word for Sonakshi Sinha too - I liked her. She doesn't have much of a role in the movie, and can't say she's a great actress based on what little I saw of her, but she's pretty, has screen presence and holds her own next to Salman Khan. And more importantly, she's a refreshing change from the waif-thin anorexic women we see all around these days. She looks healthy. And I have a feeling that she'll be a better actress as compared to Sonam Kapoor or Deepika Padukone.

I liked the music too - the title song 'Hur Hur Dabangg', 'Tere Mast Mast Do Nain' and 'Munni' are quite catchy. I don't generally like Malaika Arora but she's so raunchy in 'Munni badnaam hui', she's done full justice to the song.

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I’m bored of Khatron Ke Khiladi 3 already. Is it the stunts or Priyanka Chopra as the host? I think it's a bit of both. The stunts this year aren’t as exciting as the previous years. Or it may be that the last two seasons appeared more exciting b/c there were women trying to perform stunts. The men this year are really thanda – they’re quiet, composed and show no emotions or fear.

I also find PC very boring as a host. She speaks in a monotone, shows no excitement or enthusiasm and squirms while watching people perform the stunts! What’s she doing hosting KKK then? And really, I’m more interested in watching an action-oriented show filled with adrenaline rather than Priyanka Chopra's perfectly toned butt & thighs in her micro minis.

Akshay Kumar was so much better.

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I loved what Alyque Padamsee said about Indian culture & sexuality in one of his recent interviews.

“Indian culture is the most open when it comes to sexuality. All the moral policing is a result of the Victorian hangover. It was a time when women would be made to wear long gowns and hemlines above the ankle were thought scandalous. Why just women? Piano legs that were thought to be too curvy were also covered! In our culture, on the other hand, women were at par with men, where demonstration of sexuality was concerned.”

This is SO true! The English have always been infamous for being conservative. Even today, English society is way more conservative as compared to, say, the Americans. Indians on the other hand, were very sexually liberated. I’ve read a couple of books on Indian mythology and ancient Indian civilizations, and they frequently mention women dressing in a way that celebrated their sexuality & enhanced their sex appeal. Prostitution was common and not a big deal. And then there are the famous sculptures of Khajuraho & other similar temples. For a society that was so liberal and tolerant, how did we become so conservative?

Blame the Limeys!

A Personal Choice

To continue working or take a break is a question almost all women face when they have a kid. It’s a question that alters the course of a woman’s life.

While women who decide that the way their child grows up is much more important than their careers sometimes feel a twinge of regret about the lost opportunities, those who continue working feel guilty for not being around their kids more when they are needed, and overcompensate by indulging their kids.

Whether a woman decides to carry on with her career or become a stay-at-home mom is a matter of personal choice, and one should not make the other feel bad about the choice she made - which is what an article that I read recently revolved around.

The article presented the point of view of two women – a psychologist who quit her job to become a full-time mom and a marketing professional who continued working even after having a kid. The psychologist admitted to sometimes wondering what all she could’ve achieved professionally had she continued practicing, but she decided not to because she wanted to be hands-on as far as her son’s upbringing was concerned.

It’s the attitude of the marketing professional that bothered me – whenever her daughter would ask her why she can’t stay at home like some other moms, she’d tell her daughter that she was more educated and smarter than other moms who stayed at home, therefore she had to go to work. Her daughter has got so conditioned to this line of thinking - that women who work are smarter than women who choose not to - that she too wants to be a working woman when she grows up.

Feeding something like this to your kid is so wrong, I feel. You’re teaching your kids to look down upon other people and judge a person’s intellect simply by virtue of whether he/she works or not. And we know that impressions created on a developing mind stay on forever.

The Best Cities to Live in India

The Confederation of Indian Industries (CII) and the Institute of Competitiveness (heard of them anyone?) recently conducted a study on the best cities to live in India. They concluded that New Delhi is the No. 1 city to live in! Among other things, the city ranked 1st terms of safety and transportation. Now that’s news to me!

According to me, Delhi is one of the most unsafe cities in India, for women at least. I’ve often been advised that when in Delhi I shouldn’t be relying on public transport such as rickshaws, taxis etc. at night. I’ve also been told “if you’re a woman, make sure someone drops you home after a night out. If you’re driving back home by yourself late at night, ask someone you know to follow you.” I’ve heard and read numerous stories about crimes against women taking place in Delhi, often in broad daylight, than in any other city. How then does that make Delhi the safest city in India? Or does women’s safety not count now that we have 33% reservation in Parliament?

Delhi is also not known for its public transport. Apart from the metro, getting around can be a major pain if one doesn’t own a vehicle. There are hardly any taxis in the city except for the ones plying on an 8-hour/80kms basis and we have all heard about the killer DTC buses that expect people to get on & off while the bus is still in motion.

Mumbai on the other hand ranked 1st in terms of housing (is anyone else about to faint reading this like I did?) and 4th in terms of safety!!

From personal experience I can vouch that finding a house to rent in Bombay is a nightmare and being able to afford to buy one in a decent area is next to impossible. And that Bombay is one of the safest cities - if not THE safest - for women in India. I loved the fact that I could hop onto a rickshaw or a local train by myself pretty late into the night without having to fear for my safety.

It came as a shock to me that Kolkata, a hotbed of culture and politics, should rank 3rd in "socio-cultural political environment" and 14th in terms of safety among 37 cities in India. Kolkata may not be a Mumbai in terms of safety but it’s a pretty safe city to live in.

Kozhikode, in Kerela, was ranked 1st among the 37 cities in India for the best healthcare and medical facilities.

Does any of this make sense to you? It doesn’t to me. And the researcher in me can’t help asking this question – what was the sample size for this study and who were the people they interviewed? Folks tripping on LSD??

The Wilderness Years

I wrote this yesterday, people, but didn't get a chance to post it. I was having a crappy day. Today is remarkably better. I slept early last night & got up late this morning. That worked wonders, with a little bit of help from a cup of dark hot chocolate & freshly baked chocolate chip cookies :)

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Today is one of those days. Household appliances that are indispensable in the mornings conked out on me. Halfway to work I realized I’d left a very important document at home, so I had to go back to get it. Got terribly late to work in the process. As soon as I reached work, my cell phone died, leaving me feeling listless all day. Tried doing an online transaction but I kept entering the wrong password REPEATEDLY (thanks to the retarded bank guy who INSTRUCTED ME TO ENTER THE WRONG PASSWORD), so my card got blocked for online transactions. Had to make multiple calls to the bank since morning to un-block my card but it hasn’t been done yet. DESPITE PROMISES OF IT BEING DONE WITHIN AN HOUR. It’s been ten hours since :(

SO...I’ve been feeling terribly ‘meh’ since morning. Tried drowning myself in work (not that I had to make much of an effort) but that didn’t work either. So I’ve given up all attempts to work and am writing this post instead. At least I will get something accomplished - which is to get these thoughts (that I’m going to ramble about now) out of my system.

I’ve wanted to write this post for quite sometime and today seems to be the ideal day for it. So warning folks, depressing, long & rambling post ahead :0

I hit the big 3-OH next month. Yes, I turn thirty. Which means I start using Olay Total Effects in a little over a month from now. Pooh! To think I reacted with a mixture of incredulousness & rage when my poor mum tried to subtly pass on a bottle of some other anti-ageing concoction to me a couple of months ago. In my defense, I think I reacted like that because it said ‘For 30+ people’ on the bottle. Those guys need a lesson in marketing. And in understanding their target group. I mean, hello, women are terrified of turning 30! You’re definitely not going to win any fans if your bottles are screaming “You’re 30 plus! You need this stuff!”

But I digress.

The last couple of years haven’t been the best of my life. They’ve been fraught with confusion, indecision, dissatisfaction & boredom with certain aspects of my life, and the general lack of inertia to change things. My personal life - at this moment at least - is not completely in my own hands. Professionally, I know where I want to be 5 years down the line but that requires a great amount of sacrifice on the personal front which I somehow am not able to get myself to make.

The result of all this is that for the past year or so I’ve been having more bad days than good. I’ve been irritable, snappy, withdrawn, unsocial and cribbing incessantly. I’ve been having mood swings by the hour. In short, LIFE. HASN’T. BEEN. GOOD.

It’s funny how when a couple of things aren’t going your way in life, everything else seems wrong & messed up too!

The other day I met a very dear college friend for lunch. She turned 30 last year and we got around to discussing the entire “turning 30 paranoia”. She admitted having gone through those feelings too, in the run-up to 30. She called the late 20s “The Wilderness Years”. And I thought that was hitting the nail on the head (pardon the cliché)!

That’s what the late 20s are, aren’t they? The Wilderness Years. Things that you wouldn’t have given much importance to in your early-mid 20s suddenly become very important. You worry & crib about them incessantly. You’re confused, you’re lost, you’re questioning what you’re doing with your life personally & professionally, and you’re antsy about turning 30.

Life is simple when you're in your early 20s. You like your job. You don't think about job satisfaction much or whether that's really what you want to be doing with your life as long as the job gives you money to pay your bills, go out & shop. You go to work, you hang out with friends after work, you hang out at coffee shops, bars, you go out for dinner, you shop, you travel.

But as soon as you hit 27-28, the realization that you'll be 30 in a few years hits you BANG! Because once you’re 30, you know you’re getting old. And you’re reminded of it every single day in very cruel ways. Your metabolism slows down. The pounds pile on to your waist as if it were a happy, sunshiney place to camp at permanently. The wrinkles, fine lines, dark spots & every other sign of skin aging that anti-aging cream manufacturers try to scare you with start appearing. There are people telling you that you don’t have much more time to pop babies!!

30s also means that your years of struggle at work are over, so you should be doing something substantial, should have respectable savings & investments, and you should’ve achieved some professional milestones.

But more than anything, there’s that niggling worry that you may not be doing what you actually want to in life, and you might be squandering away the best years of your life and your potential doing something that hardly matters in the larger scheme of things.

30 is the year for introspection, for asking yourself questions. But according to my wise friend (and wise she is!), once you hit 30 life is back to being good. You become more confident, you are sure of what you want instead of going chasing everything in sight, you learn to prioritize, and you learn to say no when you want to because you no longer have the need to appease people. You’re comfortable being yourself, comfortable in your skin, comfortable letting your partner be himself and have his/her space. You stop worrying about what will happen a couple of yeard down the line & take things as they come.

But does that really happen? Does all that pre-30s nervousness, anxiety, confusion & disillusionment dissipate once you hit 30? I guess I’ll have to wait another month to find out!!

Will You Work While I Take a Break?

Why is it that when I tell A that I’m completely sick of work and want to take a break, he is all supportive? To the extent of saying that he’ll take care of me financially while I'm not working, will cut down on his own expenses so I can have ALL his extra money (just leave him enough to pay his EMIs & a little bit for his personal expenses :) Which makes me go all ‘awwwwwww...’ over him and this tremendous wave of love & affection for him washes over me :P

But when I tell him that I intend to take a 6-month break when I get married, his reaction goes something like this: “You want to quit working & be dependent on your husband? You women have it so easy in life! You can happily quit your jobs when you get married & expect your husband to take care of you! But does anyone care to ask the husband if he wants to take a break too? Would you support your husband if he decides to quit his job?”

To which I reply, “Of course, I will. If I wish to quit my job & expect him to take care of me financially, it’s only fair that I support him if he wants to do the same.”

But I don’t think my argument cuts much ice with him :) The man has issues with any kind of convention, so he’s OK with me taking a break b/c I’m sick of working but not with me quitting just b/c I know I have a husband who'll take care of me.

And though it’s funny because he has contradictory reactions to the same action, i.e. taking a break from work, it also got me thinking.

We (women) are so conditioned to think of the man as the primary breadwinner that it’s almost unimaginable to think of him as being unemployed for even a short span of time. We expect men to work non-stop their entire lives, while we’re OK with taking an extended break from work ourselves. And while I say that I’ll support my man if he decides to take a break, I don’t know how I’ll deal with it if it actually happens. While I will definitely support him financially (if I have a job, that is :), will I do it gladly? Will I be able to appreciate his need to take a break just as I would mine? Or will there be a thousand questions in my mind about how we’ll we able to maintain our lifestyle, travel & do the other things we wish to do that cost money?

What about you? Especially if you’re a woman, how would you react if your husband told you he wants to take a break from work?

Do You Agree With Maryse?

Is this the news that men all over the world have been waiting to hear?

A prominent French Psychologist, Maryse Vaillant, has claimed in her book that extra-marital affairs are good for a marriage and can actually improve the marriage. Therefore men should stop being castigated for being serial womanizers and having extra-marital affairs. Needless to say the book has run into a lot of controversies.

Vaillant argues that men cheat on their wives because they need breathing space (and not because they don’t love them any longer), and that fidelity is a “cultural” and not a “natural” concept.

Well, I do agree with her argument but not with her act of justifying infidelity, or “rehabilitating it”, in her words.

The fact is we’re biologically not meant to be monogamous. We’re very similar to animals in this regard, and animals don’t stick to one mating partner. Men especially are genetically programmed to mate with as many partners as they can - it’s the whole theory about evolution and the male trying to spread his genes as far & wide as he can. So I do agree that fidelity is a “cultural” rather than a “natural” concept – we are “conditioned” to be loyal, we’re not innately loyal. However, marriage is a cultural concepts too so if men intend to get married - which most of them do at some point or the other - they should be willing to live up to the commitments that come with marriage as well.

It’s also true that most who cheat claim they did so because they needed breathing space, which they didn’t get in their marriage/relationship or because of the boredom that had set in after years of being together. But I feel the way out of this should be a healthy discussion with your partner and not infidelity. And if it’s boredom that one needs to address, the couple should try to spice up their love & sex lives - do small romantic things that will make their partner happy, try out new things in bed etc. If nothing works, they should seek professional help.

So yes, I agree that fidelity is completely a cultural concept but saying that infidelity is good for a marriage is a lame excuse for not wanting/being able to live up to the commitment one makes. And trying to “re-habilitate” fidelity is like asking women to put up with more shit in life. After all, men are never OK with their wives having a sexual relationship with other men, are they?

Come to think of it, we’re not very different from animals at all in this regard.

What do you feel - do you agree with Maryse?

Are We All Really Idiots?

I just recently got around to watching 3 Idiots. Frankly, I wasn’t too excited about the movie despite the hype surrounding it. The star cast and the Aamir Khan - Kareena Kapoor pairing were not enough to make me want to watch the movie.

I’m just not a big fan of campus movies anymore. It’s a world and a life I’ve left way behind - one that I cherish and look back at fondly but one I’ve outgrown nonetheless. And I think real life is what happens after college - when you’re left to meet the challenges of life on your own, when you have real responsibilities and must live up to them, when your survival is in your own hands. So I took my own sweet time to watch 3 Idiots and honestly, I wouldn’t have felt sorry even if I’d let it pass.

I found it to be a very mediocre movie and definitely not worthy of being the highest grossing Bollywood movie ever. I didn’t not like it - it had its share of funny moments…the ‘balatkaar’ speech, the scene where Rancho mixes up all the question papers b/c the professor doesn’t know who is who, the scene where Raju tells the professor how an induction motor starts, and I liked the Wangdu twist at the end. But the entire vacuum cleaner scene and the fact that people were shown committing suicide as if that’s the most fashionable way out of life’s troubles ruined the movie for me. But I’ll give credit to 3 Idiots for getting across a message that perhaps most Indian parents needed to hear. I don’t know how successful they’ve been in doing so - it’s hard to undo years of conditioning after all. But then, Bollywood has the power to impact people in serious ways, so you never know.

Like millions of other kids growing up in India in the 90s, I too was one of the kids growing up in a pressure cooker situation. We were trapped in an educational system that was oppressive, unnecessarily cumbersome and where our entire lives & careers would be determined by a single exam - the Class XII Boards. It encouraged memorization (my Physics teacher used to refer to it as "ingest the knowledge & vomit it all out during the exam, no need to absorb or retain any of it") but didn’t ensure that we were able to get anything out of it at all that we would be thankful for later on in life (except a good command over the English language in my case but most Indian schools don't even guarantee that).

Of course, my parents too wanted me to become a doctor or an engineer or join the Indian Administrative Service (it’s an obsession with people of the “cow belt”) but I rejected all of these options. I decided to study Economics instead because it was logical, made sense to me, was (largely) application based and I enjoyed it much more than Physics, Chemistry or Math, and according to my folks it was the only subject worth studying apart from Science. That pacified them a bit.

College applications were an entirely different story though. In India, you don’t get to decide what subject you want to major in; other people decide what you can or cannot study - which is THE MOST ridiculous and retarded system of education anywhere in the world. (You’re allotted a subject based on the percentage you score in your Class XII exams, irrespective of whether you have an iota of interest in the subject or not. So God help you if you were having an off day during one of those exams, your life could get practically fucked). So, I started applying to colleges in the United States, and turns out that was probably THE best decision I’ve taken in life so far!

But most kids aren’t as lucky as I was....

And then comes this overly simplistic movie which deals with the confusion, stress and disillusionment most teenagers go through when deciding which way to go (medicine/engineering vs listening to your heart) as if it's just a matter of deciding whether you want to wear a yellow dress today or a green one!

The movie gives out a singular message - forget a career that’ll bring you financial security and chase your dreams; you may be barely able to make ends meet but at least you’ll be doing what you want to do. But does the movie show us a way to overcome the frustrations that lack of a good income is bound to generate later on in our lives? It doesn’t, which is why I feel it was too simplistic.

Yes, there are some people who really couldn’t care about how much money they're making but most of us wish to be financially comfortable. Or will do so once the rose-tinted glasses with which we tend to see life while in our teens wear off.

We all have dreams of a nice house, a nice car, of being able to travel the world, being able to afford a good lifestyle and things we like. And the truth is that a corporate job helps us turn those dreams into reality. Sure, it can get really monotonous and stifling at times. We can get stuck in a rut. We start to question whether this is what we wish to be doing with our lives.

Well, we may not like working a 9-to-8 schedule but truth can not be wished away. What a financially secure and rewarding career can give us is also something we desire. They might be mere material possessions but there’s a very good chance we won’t be happy without them either. Life is not always a choice between yellow & green.

Rich & Sexy

I want to be RICH and SEXY. I don’t want to be famous because I love my freedom to do the simple things in life, such as walking down the street, hanging out at coffee shops, walking into any store/restaurant without getting mobbed etc. way too much to give it up.

But I would LOVE to be rich so I can travel across the world without worrying about whether I have enough $$$ in my bank account, shop as much as I want to without having to worry about going broke, and live in the house of my dreams. In that order.

And I would love to be sexy so I can slip into any dress without having to worry about whether it would fit me, look smoldering in sexy lingerie, wear the sexiest cleavage revealing tops and the tiniest of skirts, and make heads swoon.

But as of now neither of these looks like it’s happening, so I’ll just sit quietly & plan that mind-blowing trip to Europe that may or may not happen someday, and dig into my hot gooey chocolate walnut brownie.

Shit, I won’t be able to gorge on brownies when I become sexy, right? And I'll have to live on water & sprouts inspite of having all the money in the world. Kinda like movie stars?

Life is such a bitch.

Photo courtesy www.polyvore.com

There are some days....

....when you wonder what it is that life really wants out of you.

Does it want you to be happy or sad?

Feel loved or loathed?

Lucky or doomed?

Count your blessings or things that are horribly wrong about your life?

Make plans to secure your future, personally & professionally, or let destiny sweep you along the pre-destined path it has carved out for you?

Believe that we, on accord of being intelligent human beings with the capacity to think and discern what will be good for us & what won’t, have the power to mould our lives the way we want, or that we’re powerless at the end of it all?

Conquer fear or be a slave to it all your life?

Tell people who mean the world to you what it is that you really want, or keep it to yourself so as not to burden them more than they already are?

Stay or leave?

Laugh or get stressed?

Trust or suspect?

Keep the faith or doubt?

Hang on or give up...and in?

Say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?

Accept or decline?

Fight or make up?

Go on to the next level or stay where you are a while longer?

Cry at the smallest things, tired after years of fighting it out on your own, or continue to be strong because Daddy taught you that "sher ka bachcha kabhi nahi rota"?

Say “It’s all good” or “I can’t take it anymore!!"

Get hit or hit back?

Take or give as good as you get?

Screw or get screwed?

The one thing I would like to do is know for sure and not wonder, and to, for once, have things go the way I want them to. And a chance to fuck life over.

Yeah, I would really like that. And you thought this was a philosophical post!!

No (Kid)ding

I have always been pretty sure that I don’t want to have any children. I’m 29 now and maybe that will change as I enter my 30s and the biological clock starts wailing, but for now, I’m pretty decided.

Up until now, my reason for not wanting to have children was that the very idea of carrying a living thing inside me for nine months, that would kick my insides out, and the process of giving birth, sent shudders down my spine. I almost start hyperventilating when I spot a pregnant woman. I didn’t think I had it in me, physically, to go through the process of child birth.

While that reason remains, the place I am in life right now (late 20s), I see and interact with a lot of women, mostly my friends & people I worked with earlier, who are mothers. I read blogs by mothers. And I see that their entire life revolves around their child/children. Every thing they discuss relates to their child or involves him/her in some way. They have no time for themselves, to take care of themselves, do something they like to do, or to just be by themselves. The tea gets cold, they have no time to groom themselves, go to the parlor, get a manicure/pedicure/facial/hair cut etc. Of course, they don't seem to mind it in the least bit because the joy they get out of being a mother overshadows the need for everything else. Call me shallow if you will, but having time for yourself is important in order to prevent the build-up of a feeling of resentment later.

And the biggest horror of them all, their husbands are relegated to second place in their lives as the child takes center stage. They can’t indulge in an activity if it's going to be inconvenient for the child in any way, irrespective of how badly they want to do it. It could be something as small as going out for a cup of coffee or shopping, to traveling, taking up a new job or moving to another city.

In short, once you have kids, your life isn’t yours anymore – it’s your child’s.

I was reading a blog by a “mommy blogger”, a stay-at-home mom, who says that she often gets desperate for company & conversation, or to just go out of the house for a little while. If her kid is being cranky at a public place or annoying/disturbing other people, she usually can’t stop him because that is simply asking for a full blown-out tantrum! That hate it as she might, but she can’t help feeling cheated & repressed at times because she had to give up her career & stay at home.

Another “mommy blogger” accepts that her husband has become second priority since her son arrived!

Now, before parents start sending me hate mails, let me clarify that I am by no means implying that parenthood is a bad thing or that people shouldn’t have kids. I have nothing against people who choose to become parents. All I’m saying is that the concept doesn’t appeal to me. It doesn’t work for me as it does for most of the world. I’m happy for them, but that’s not what I want in my life.

I want to have the freedom to go for leisurely coffees with my friends whenever I want to, or to spend hours at a bookstore browsing through books without worrying about the child that might be hungry/cranky at home. I want to take off for impromptu shopping trips without having to worry about how much I’m spending because I have a child whose education I need to save for. I want to be able to travel whenever I want to, without worrying about whether I will be able to do it because I have a child. But most of all, I can’t bear the thought of relegating my husband to second position. If I love him enough to marry him, I would want him to be my first priority always. Very often, the relationship between a husband & wife disintegrates when kids come into the picture, often leading to relationships outside of the marriage.

I don’t want to live my life in stolen hours, stolen while the child is asleep or the grandparents are around to babysit. I don’t want motherhood to become such a part of my life that it overshadows all my other relationships – for there is no way to avoid that if you become a mother. And it will be unfair on the child to give him/her anything less than your very best, if you’re physically capable of it in anyway.

I want to keep the love for my husband alive always, keep making efforts to keep my relationship with him thriving.

I don’t know whether A and I will make it to where we want to go but I really hope we do because he’s with me on issues that matter the most to me – not having to change my last name after marriage, being financially independent always, being able to continue doing whatever it is that I want to do, not compromising on my freedom one bit, being able to care for my family like I do now (without obligations towards his family coming in the way), because, let’s face it, my parents only have two daughters. Not wanting to have kids is just one of the issues we agree on.

Taking a Step Back

I'm not a clingy person, definitely not as far as my friendships are concerned. I like to give people space when they want, just as much as I appreciate people who give me mine. I don’t get aggravated if a friend does not return my calls at times, unless it becomes a pattern of course. I’m OK if a friend I had plans with wants to take a rain check. I don’t feel our friendship is dying if I don’t hear from a friend for a while.

However, as far as relationships are concerned I feel I still have some way to go. I’m not clingy or needy, but there are times when I want to be a part of the other person’s plans constantly. And then suddenly I realize that I need to take a step back and give the other person their space. It’s OK if they want some ‘me’ time or to hang out with their guy friends. It’s only fair – b/c I too am very particular about my time with my other friends. But for an attention-craving person like me (yes yes, I admit I do crave attention....majorly....but only from people I love) it's tough to let myself not be the center of attention all the time :) And it’s tough especially when I don't have plans of my own.

I was reading an article by Gitanjali Kirloskar in a newspaper supplement once where she was talking about how she too was extremely clingy in the first few years of her marriage. She wanted to be around her husband all the time, wanted her husband to talk to her all the time and involve her in everything she did. And she would feel dejected whenever he didn’t. But gradually as years went by, she realized that she needed to leave him alone at times, and her marriage was that much better for it.

I’m sure people who have been married for sometime feel the same way. And I’m sure the transition was difficult for them too. So what about you? Do you, at times, have trouble taking a step back as well?

Watch That Thing!

These days there is some report or the other in newspapers regarding sex scandals involving the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

He is either caught throwing parties for nubile nymphets at his sprawling villa in Sardinia, making sex tapes, or getting former topless models to act as hostesses to the heads of various nations at international diplomatic conventions!

Before Berlusconi the media was obsessed with French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy’s high-profile affair with Carla Bruni – their courtship, their public display of affection for each other, Carla Bruni’s nude photographs etc.

And then there was Barack Obama caught ogling at a lady guest’s butt at the G-8 summit in Italy while Sarko smiled appreciatively from the sidelines. Photographed at the wrong moment, maybe?

While no one in Italy seems to mind their Prime Minister’s sexcapades (or at least we don't hear of it in the media), the French, known for their conservativeness, condemned their Prime Minister. There was a murmur in the US as well about the appropriateness of the conduct of their newly elected President at an international summit but it was mostly dismissed as “Hey, a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do!”, thanks to the liberal attitude of the Americans.

This got me wondering…how would we (Indians) react if our Prime Minister or President was caught frolicking at a beach in the South of France with barely clad – or better still - naked women? Or divorcing his wife while still in office in order to marry a much younger woman with a risqué public image?

Just the thought has me in splits. Imagine how we would react! There will be an uproar across the nation. The “Indian culture” flag will be brandished in his face wherever he goes, the gods will be invoked...Hell, I’m sure he will be impeached just for that, poor guy! And without the Z-class security our PM/President enjoys, he might even be lynched by the public!

What about you...how do you think we will react as a nation if such a thing happens involving one of our Heads of State?

Beloved Bandra

I think I am going to be sick. I was browsing this site for houses on rent in Bandra (W), my erstwhile home. The rent that landlords are asking for is ridiculously insane!

It started from Rs 20,000 & went up to Rs 60,000 (I’m not kidding!!) for a 1 Bedroom Hall Kitchen apartment of 300-600 sq ft!!!!!

I mean, is that even real?? Are there people out there who are willing to sign up for such insanity??

Apparently, there are, else landlords wouldn’t be making such insane demands in the first place. And I thought recession had driven real estate prices in Bombay down?

What price does a person really have to pay in Bombay to be able to live in a place of his/her choice?

Will I ever be able to go back & live in my beloved Bandra again? :(

A Life. A Choice.

They’re all around me. They stare me in the face wherever I go - married women who have changed the way they are to fit into the families they have married into.

I’m not referring to minor adjustments such as sharing the bathroom with the spouse, reaching a compromise on the temperature of the air-conditioner, learning to fall asleep with the TV on etc. It’s the changes that women make to their identities that are the most discomforting.

I know I have been writing about this a lot of late but it's all around me and it bugs me no end.

One thing I feel very strongly about is changing one’s last name after marriage. I am very sure I’m not going to be doing it, even if that means not marrying the person in question. It is non-negotiable. My name is an indispensable part of who I am; has been for as long as I’ve lived. Why should I be expected to change it just because I got married to someone? My identity is more important to me than a man - ANY man.

The other thing I cannot do is cook everyday. A friend of mine is about to get married to her boyfriend of four years, who told her that if she’s not willing to cook everyday he’ll have to re-consider marrying her!

I’m sorry but if the guy is used to having his mom cook for him everyday, that’s his problem - not mine. The personal decision that his mom took does not apply to me by default.

Surprisingly, my friend is okay with it though she doesn't know how to cook and has never cooked at her parent's house!

Women make numerous sacrifices to keep their in-laws happy. There are certain types of clothes they give up wearing after marriage (such as shorts, skirts, capris, sometimes even jeans!) because their in-laws aren’t okay with it.

I can’t ever take that kind of an intrusion into my personal life from anyone, including my husband. Being asked not to wear the kind of clothes I presently wear is unfathomable! I think I will simply turn around and ask the person to mind their own business, irrespective of who they are!

Without hesitation.

The life of a married woman starts getting dictated by the schedules and whims of her in-laws. This is particularly true for women who live with their in-laws. They can’t go out with friends whenever they want to. There are things they can & cannot do; places they can & cannot go to – because their in-laws tell them so.

I’ve always been so fiercely independent that such a thing is completely unacceptable to me.

The other thing I don’t understand is how women are okay with husbands who do not support them if there’s a tiff with the in-laws.

The men come up with this very convenient excuse of not wanting to take sides or be in a position where they have to choose between their parents and their wife.

Excuse me? You’re the one who has married me and brought me into your family, so you bloody well support me!

Yet another thing that a married woman is expected to do is to always put her husband’s parents before her own. In fact, it is not even an expectation; rather an assumption that the guy’s family makes.

I can never see myself putting my husband’s parents before my own. And why should I? I don’t see the guy returning the favor. I will give his parents all the respect that they deserve, help them out whenever I can but I can never neglect or be unfair to my parents.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of in life, it is that I am not going to compromise myself for anything or anyone in this world.

I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not deluded regarding life. I know enough couples to know that it doesn’t take very long after marriage (a couple of years at most) for the rose-tinted love glasses to come off and then you’re left to deal with reality. And reality is what you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

You’ll be left to live with a person you cares for you, values you, respects what you are, gives you the space you need, stands up for you when you need him to – or not. And I don’t want to be standing on the wrong side of the fence, even if that means not getting married for another 5 years.

That’s not very good news for my parents, is it? :)

I just upped the ante God knows how many times...but that’s okay. They'll live!

Some people might say these things are easier said than done. Surely they are but I’m also sure I have the courage to stick by them, because at the end of the day if we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will.

I might have come across very strongly in this post but that is just how strongly I feel about this issue. Neither am I apologetic about it to any man or woman who might get offended by it. If you're a man and offended by this post, I can understand. If you’re a woman and offended by it, you're probably trapped in this situation yourself, or see yourself in such a situation in the future. Either way, deal with it.

For those who feel the way I do, thank you :)

We get only one shot at life afterall.

A Gentle Reminder : Never Say Never

The man has admitted to rape in court.

Seems unbelievable, doesn't it? For as much as Shiney Ahuja claimed to be in love with his wife - who he’d apparently been seeing for a gazillion years before they got married & who stuck by him through his years of struggle etc. - he did rape his domestic help (by his own admission). How desperate does a man have to be to rape his maid? I thought it only happened in B-grade movies of the 1980s!

It’s also sad that a guy who is so talented - case in point Hazaron Khwahishen Aisi, Gangster, Life In A Metro etc. - would do something so heinous. I do think he is extremely talented & has now positively ruined his career!

Before he admitted to raping the woman, he claimed he had consensual sex with her. Rape or not, the incident reaffirms my belief that no woman can be entirely sure that her husband/boyfriend - irrespective of how committed he might seem - will never cheat on her physically and/or emotionally. We can at best hope he doesn't.

I personally have known way too many men who were married/in a committed relationship, yet cheating on their partner. For some, it was a case of “My sleeping with another woman doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife/girlfriend”. For some others it was about the girlfriend/wife being the “stability factor” in their life while they had some harmless fun on the side. As long as the wife/girlfriend doesn't know, no one's getting hurt!

I generally refrain from passing moralistic judgment on people & tagging them, so I wouldn’t go as far as calling it moral debauchery. The reality is that we’re living in an age where love, relationships & marriage are assuming a completely new & different meaning, and aren’t as sacrosanct as they used to be. It’s not important whether you & I accept this or not. Sooner or later we will be forced to. The ones that don’t will continue to live in their “My husband/boyfriend will never cheat on me” bubble while the man in question makes hay.

Many of you who read this blog are married or in a relationship. This post is not meant as an offence to anyone. I’m not implying that all husbands/boyfriends are cheats. All I’m saying is that it is a real possibility & it’s true for women as well, though to a lesser extent. What holds women back slightly, according to me, is that they are biologically programmed to be monogamous (where as men are not) & socially conditioned to center their entire attention & emotions on the one man in their lives.

I guess the wisest thing to do would be to be mentally prepared to deal with such a crisis in one's life if it ever arises, while secretly hoping it doesn't. And hope floats...or does it?