Note to Supermarket Shoppers

Ssupermarkets aren’t the place to bring your half a dozen kids for a picnic or a family outing. Take them to a park. And for Christ’s sake, have you heard of family planning?

If you insist on bringing your half a dozen kids to the supermarket and let them loose to run riot, expect them to get hit by a cart or shopping baskets laden with groceries. And you dare not glare at the poor shopper pushing the overflowing cart/basket that hit your kid. You should be thankful he/she didn’t trample your kid.

Let me check with the supermarket staff if it's legal to slap screaming, tanrtumy kids on their premises.

Are supermarkets really your idea of entertainment? Really?

The aisles are meant for free passage of shoppers pushing trolleys, not for you to have a bitch session with your long lost BFF about another woman in your friend circle, with both your trolleys blocking the passage.

When I say “Excuse me” it means “Move your ass. Now” Don’t pretend you didn’t hear it. Get your ass off the floor where you’re comparing prices of Vim Bar & Pril on the bottom shelf, get your mewling kids out of the way, pull your cart as close to you as you can, and stop giving me dirty looks because if someone deserves dirty looks, it’s you.

That silk sari with zardozi that you’re wearing & the 10 kg of gold on you belong at a wedding, not at a place you come to buy dal, chawal, atta, toothpaste, ketchup, detergent & toilet cleaning liquid. Unless you plan to pay for them with gold instead of cash.

Don’t look at my basket containing my monthly groceries with jealousy. I didn’t ask you to produce half a dozen kids.

Fat hippopotamus aunty, for the last time - will you stop pushing me into the shelves whenever you pass by or knocking my knees with your basket? If you can’t fit into the goddamn aisle, send your scrawny husband to shop. Because if you push me one more time, I’m going to elbow you right in your stomach.

Store attendants – Don’t hover when I don’t need you. How come you’re never around when I do? And for God’s sake, know which products & brands your store stocks! Because if I ask you whether you have a particular product/brand and you say no, and I find it on the very next shelf, I’m going to open a pack of that product and smash your face right into it. My aggression levels are very high when I’m grocery shopping, courtesy fat aunties & uncles who block the way and refuse to move, and their bratty kids who think throwing roll-on-the-floor tantrums are cute.

No, you are not more important than me. Neither am I in less of a rush than you are. Wait your turn at the cashier’s. Don’t jump the queue, unless you want your foot to be stomped on. Remember that thing I said about my aggression levels while grocery shopping?

The little plastic bags provided in the produce section is for you to wrap your fruits & vegetables in. Don’t simply load fruits & veggies into your cart by the handful and expect the cashier to get someone to run all the way to the produce section to wrap them up for you. The people waiting behind you in line will not give you friendly, endearing smiles. You deserve the dirty looks they give you and they’re most likely also cussing you out in their heads for holding the line.

If you are finicky about the way your items are packaged, let the cashier know in advance. Don’t let him/her pack the contents while you’re busy make eyes at your husband/boyfriend or bitching some more about your neighbor to another neighbor, and make the cashier unpack all your bags & repack them as per your whims.

There are enough shopping baskets & carts to go around. You will not have to lug your monthly groceries in one arm while balancing your howling infant in another. So stop pushing & shoving me to grab a basket/cart.

Shop with a list. It’s not funny or amusing when the person in front of me in the check out queue sends her co-shopper to grab a dozen things he/she forgot, while he/she is being billed. Holding the line because of your own stupidity is not going to earn you any admirers.

If you change your mind about an item you’ve already put in your cart, put it back in its right place or hand it over to store attendant so they can. Don’t just randomly discard it anywhere in the store. Someone else might be looking for that item & there might be just that one piece left in the supermarket.

If you haven’t bothered to pay your credit card bill and your card has been blocked, have another card or enough cash handy to pay for your groceries. Don’t make the poor, hassled cashier swipe your card again & again, and act as if you didn’t know your card was blocked. It’s not his job to pay your credit card bills on time.

DO NOT STEP ON MY TOE. Particularly if you weigh 120 kgs. I will compensate for the difference in our weights with the spikes on my heel.