Saying 'No' to Jeans

Sometimes you read/watch/hear people spouting such crap that you really wonder what the fuck is wrong with them!

First there was Aishwarya Rai on the season's opening episode of Koffee With Karan. Apart from giggling away to glory and talking in an accent she seems to have acquired on a trip to Mars, she was desperately trying to sound cool by trying to talk about her sex life - or the lack thereof - on TV.

I say 'lack thereof' b/c if she's anything in the bedroom like she is in front of the camera - read cold and plastic - there's not much sex that would be happening inside the bedroom.

Why would someone who comes across as icy in all her interviews and rebuffs all attempts by journalists to pry into her personal life, suddenly ask Karan Johar if she should disclose how she & her husband make out, in print? And then, when K Jo asks her which men, apart from her husband, she finds attractive, she looks horrified and wonders how she could even be asked something like that, as if answering the question would've resulted in her dying on the spot and burning in hell. Because, you know, she's a Bhartiya nari who cannot dream of any man save her husband in her wildest, wettest dreams!

For God's sake she wasn't asked to name the men, apart from her husband, that she'd jump or even consider sleeping with. She was only asked who she found attractive, and if she truly isn't attracted to any other man, she surely is frigid.

Then there was Deepika Padukone on the same show, tearing her ex-boyfriend apart b/c he cheated on her repeatedly. She went to the extent of saying that he should endorse condoms b/c he loves to use them. While her intention quite clearly was to hang him to dry in the media, what she overlooked was the possibility that by discussing his sexual escapades in public she was also shedding enough light on her sexual life, and also on the fact that she's a slow learner if not a complete dimwit.

Any woman with half a brain would know that if a man cheats on her once, he'll do so again. You forgive him once, you forgive him a second time, but if you keep taking him back again & again, it's not he who's the one with issues here - it's quite clearly you. Because you haven't learnt your lesson.

Then there's the granddaddy of all 'what the fucks' - Mr Subhash Ghai. He thinks that youngsters should not wear jeans anymore b/c jeans corrupt them.

You read it right.

Jeans. Corrupt. Youngsters.

This is the same Subhash Ghai who showed Sridevi in a swim suit in 'Karma' and Madhuri Dixit heaving her generous bosom in a barely-there choli in 'Khalnayak'. The same Subhash Ghai who raised the most profound question ever asked of Indians - choli ke peeche kya hai (what's under the blouse?).

I'm sure according to him the answer was Indian family values.

I can understand why Subhash Ghai has lost it though. If you made movies like 'Good Boy, Bad Boy', 'Apna Sapna Money Money' and 'Yuvraj' that tanked faster than the Titanic, you'd be losing it too. And thinking that a nation's character gets eroded by the kind of pants that its citizens choose to wear.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people?

Or maybe they're tripping on some really good stuff!!

A Serious Post After a Long Time

That's b/c I recently encountered two serious issues and I must write about them.

Someone I know recently got married and moved countries to live with her husband. They had been dating for 4-5 years before they got married. The guy used to mistreat her even before marriage - he would always talk down to her, wave her off whenever she tried to say something, and would make it abundantly clear that her opinions or what she thought about an issue didn't count. He did it in public frequently, so I'm assuming he did it in private as well.

I hear this has gotten worse after marriage, with him going to the extent of saying that things will happen the way he wants since he's the one bringing home the bacon (she has recently moved on a dependant visa and hasn't been able to find a job there yet).

Given, the guy is a jerk. He's an egotist and is used to being the center of attention in his family. His parents have lovingly overlooked his mistakes and issues, even as serious as drug addiction. His friends, more often than not, indulge him when he throws tantrums. He wants the universe to revolve around him. But I think a large part of the blame lies with the girl. It's not like her husband started mistreating her after marriage. That's how he's been speaking to her since the 2 years I've seen them together. More often than not, she'd accept it without a whimper. Sometimes she would object and they'd have a fight but things would go back to how they were. She got married to him knowing this was a serious issue in their lives - and it is an issue given that she cribs about it to people and has called mutual friends to help sort out the fights quite a few times. So my question is - shouldn't she have thought long and hard about whether he was the guy she wanted to marry? And made it abundantly clear to him right at the beginning of the relationship that she wouldn't be treated like a rag?

I think in situations where the man doesn't know how to treat his partner, it's up to the woman to make it clear how she expects to be treated. If she's taken shit lying down all her life, she has no right to complain later.

Many times, we end up marrying someone inspite of obvious issues in the relationship b/c we don't want to rock the boat, we dread being single, we think we won't find anyone ever again and we think it's too much of an effort to have to start from scratch with another person. What we don't realize is that the boat will get rocked sooner or later, and it will be that much more difficult to get off.

The second issue I want to talk about stems from something I saw at a doctor's clinic recently. A couple walked in with a severely asthmatic 8 year old child. The child had a terrible asthma attack and the parents had no clue how to give her first aid or stabilize her till the doctor saw her. According to them, she had been asthmatic since she was 1 year old, so it was shocking for me to see how clueless they were.

Asthma is a debilitating condition. There can be many triggers and medical aid may not always be available - for instance when you're traveling. It is imperative that parents of asthmatic children know how to administer first aid to their child to stabilize him/her a little bit at least till help arrives.

I'm not a doctor but one of the first things I've seen people do to asthmatics is to ask him/her to relax. When breathing problems start, we start panicking. Panic worsens the condition. Calming down will help alleviate it a little bit. If the doctor has prescribed an inhaler, carry it with you at all times (or put it in the child's bag is he/she is unaccompanied) and administer it as soon as you can. And please for Christ's sake know how to administer an inhaler correctly! The mouth has to be closed around the inhaler, not open. The parents of the child I saw at the clinic were pumping in the inhaler into the child's open mouth. Doesn't help. Inhalers come with a leaflet with pictorial instructions on how to use them. Read it. Or ask your doctor to demonstrate how to inhale correctly.

If you are a parent of an asthmatic child or know someone who is, please ensure that you/they can administer first aid to your/their child in case of an asthma attack. Shedding tears saying you don't know what to do is not going to help.

Note to Supermarket Shoppers

Ssupermarkets aren’t the place to bring your half a dozen kids for a picnic or a family outing. Take them to a park. And for Christ’s sake, have you heard of family planning?

If you insist on bringing your half a dozen kids to the supermarket and let them loose to run riot, expect them to get hit by a cart or shopping baskets laden with groceries. And you dare not glare at the poor shopper pushing the overflowing cart/basket that hit your kid. You should be thankful he/she didn’t trample your kid.

Let me check with the supermarket staff if it's legal to slap screaming, tanrtumy kids on their premises.

Are supermarkets really your idea of entertainment? Really?

The aisles are meant for free passage of shoppers pushing trolleys, not for you to have a bitch session with your long lost BFF about another woman in your friend circle, with both your trolleys blocking the passage.

When I say “Excuse me” it means “Move your ass. Now” Don’t pretend you didn’t hear it. Get your ass off the floor where you’re comparing prices of Vim Bar & Pril on the bottom shelf, get your mewling kids out of the way, pull your cart as close to you as you can, and stop giving me dirty looks because if someone deserves dirty looks, it’s you.

That silk sari with zardozi that you’re wearing & the 10 kg of gold on you belong at a wedding, not at a place you come to buy dal, chawal, atta, toothpaste, ketchup, detergent & toilet cleaning liquid. Unless you plan to pay for them with gold instead of cash.

Don’t look at my basket containing my monthly groceries with jealousy. I didn’t ask you to produce half a dozen kids.

Fat hippopotamus aunty, for the last time - will you stop pushing me into the shelves whenever you pass by or knocking my knees with your basket? If you can’t fit into the goddamn aisle, send your scrawny husband to shop. Because if you push me one more time, I’m going to elbow you right in your stomach.

Store attendants – Don’t hover when I don’t need you. How come you’re never around when I do? And for God’s sake, know which products & brands your store stocks! Because if I ask you whether you have a particular product/brand and you say no, and I find it on the very next shelf, I’m going to open a pack of that product and smash your face right into it. My aggression levels are very high when I’m grocery shopping, courtesy fat aunties & uncles who block the way and refuse to move, and their bratty kids who think throwing roll-on-the-floor tantrums are cute.

No, you are not more important than me. Neither am I in less of a rush than you are. Wait your turn at the cashier’s. Don’t jump the queue, unless you want your foot to be stomped on. Remember that thing I said about my aggression levels while grocery shopping?

The little plastic bags provided in the produce section is for you to wrap your fruits & vegetables in. Don’t simply load fruits & veggies into your cart by the handful and expect the cashier to get someone to run all the way to the produce section to wrap them up for you. The people waiting behind you in line will not give you friendly, endearing smiles. You deserve the dirty looks they give you and they’re most likely also cussing you out in their heads for holding the line.

If you are finicky about the way your items are packaged, let the cashier know in advance. Don’t let him/her pack the contents while you’re busy make eyes at your husband/boyfriend or bitching some more about your neighbor to another neighbor, and make the cashier unpack all your bags & repack them as per your whims.

There are enough shopping baskets & carts to go around. You will not have to lug your monthly groceries in one arm while balancing your howling infant in another. So stop pushing & shoving me to grab a basket/cart.

Shop with a list. It’s not funny or amusing when the person in front of me in the check out queue sends her co-shopper to grab a dozen things he/she forgot, while he/she is being billed. Holding the line because of your own stupidity is not going to earn you any admirers.

If you change your mind about an item you’ve already put in your cart, put it back in its right place or hand it over to store attendant so they can. Don’t just randomly discard it anywhere in the store. Someone else might be looking for that item & there might be just that one piece left in the supermarket.

If you haven’t bothered to pay your credit card bill and your card has been blocked, have another card or enough cash handy to pay for your groceries. Don’t make the poor, hassled cashier swipe your card again & again, and act as if you didn’t know your card was blocked. It’s not his job to pay your credit card bills on time.

DO NOT STEP ON MY TOE. Particularly if you weigh 120 kgs. I will compensate for the difference in our weights with the spikes on my heel.

Boobquake

Every once in a while you hear something that is as outrageous as it is hilarious.

According to an Iranian cleric, "Many women who dress inappropriately cause youths to go astray, taint their chastity and incite extra-marital sex in society, which increases earthquakes".

Yes, earthquakes…no less. Maybe this is the reason behind earthquakes almost on a daily basis in California! The fault line that runs down the state has nothing to do with it.

Who needs geologists when we have religious fundamentalists to explain nature's phenomena?

And of course, the pure innocent things that men are, they have no contribution towards these earthquakes whatsoever.

The cleric has also said that calamities are the result of people's deeds, and we have no way but to conform to Islam to ward off dangers. Therefore, every woman, regardless of her religion or nationality, must cover her hair and bodily contours in public and offenders should get punished.

Isn’t that such a delightful thing to hear in today’s day & age?

To protest against this, on April 26, women across the world came out of their homes minimally dressed and the day was celebrated as ‘Boobquake Day’. And what do you know...Taiwan did face a 6.5 magnitude earthquake on that day!!

I’m just thinking….can you imagine how much extra-marital sex needs to happen simultaneously around the world to cause an earthquake? A hell of a lot, nay? ;)

Loyalty Test

People are so warped. And stupid. Take Dimpy Ganguly-Mahajan for example.

Dimpy-Ganguly Who, you ask?

Well, this is the woman who risked getting humiliated to her bone on national prime-time television by appearing on a contest to marry the drug addict, alleged (ex) wife-beater Rahul Mahajan. If that wasn’t proof enough of her warped-ness, here’s more…she subjected her husband, who she married at the expense of earning various colorful epithets from co-contestants, to a loyalty test via ‘Emotional Atyachar’.

For those who don’t know, ‘Emotional Atyachar’ is a “reality” show that subjects one half of a couple to a loyalty test by planting a bait of the opposite sex. If you agree to ride the bait (pun intended, of course), you are finito. In Rahul Mahajan’s case the bait was Nikunj Malik, one of the women who he had short-listed to marry him on his retarded marriage show.

Dimpy, who must be exceptionally intelligent thanks to all the feesh she must have eaten while growing up in Kolkata, came up with a very innovative reason for putting her husband through the test. According to her, she was sick of being asked about Rahul Mahajan’s loyalty towards her by the media. So she decided to put all questions…and rumors of his infidelity…to rest by nominating him for this show. “Unknown to him”, of course. And he was "surprised but very understanding" when he found out that the entire thing was a set-up. Of course.

And of course, we also understand that there was no planning, no collusion between Dimpy & Rahul Mahajan on this. That Rahul Mahajan was not aware that he was participating in a reality show. That this wasn't a way for the couple to make some quick money while Rahul Mahajan grovels at the feet of senior BJP leaders to let him contest the next elections.

The things people do on getting famous! I wonder what Dimpy would've done had Rahul Mahajan taken the bait? Would she have divorced him? Howled & wailed like a true Bhartiya nari who worships her husband? Or pounced on Nikunj Malik live on TV for a full fledged tear-each-other's-clothes-out cat fight?

Now that would've made millions of men happy. Beer, the TV remote and two women getting on with it in front of them...what more do men want?

PS: If what Dimpy claims is true, and Rahul Mahajan really didn't know he was being set up, I must hand it to the girl. She really is intelligent. She's gotten back at her husband for the potential humiliation he put her through on his marriage show, on the same platform. Moral of the story? Eat more fish!

Will They, Won't They?

Sania - Shoaib. The media is ODing on them. Their marriage is front page and “breaking” news every single day, as if there’s nothing report-worthy happening in the entire world. Bookies have ditched the IPL and are placing bets on their wedding - Rs 1.25 for every rupee if they get married, Rs 3.50 if they don’t.

The controversy has gone way beyond being absurd. It's hilarious now. I mean, who the hell ever gets married to a person he/she has never met and that too over the telephone??!! Are we living in pre-historic times? And how does marrying over the telephone work, exactly?

Then I read an article where Shoaib admitted that he went to Ayesha’s house a few times to meet her before their wedding but she was never there! Her family would make excuses for her - she had to go out of the country for some urgent work, she was having an emergency surgery yadi yada.

And he bought their stupid excuses!! Ha ha ha!!

You travel all the way to another country to meet your bride-to-be and she’s never there. Wouldn’t you be a tad bit suspicious? Just a tiny little bit, Mr Malik, not much? Didn’t a warning bell ring in your mind? Such a thing can happen once, not repeatedly. Even a dimwit will be able to see the warning signals.

Which brings me to my conclusion - Shoaib Malik is either seriously dumb or he was desperate to get married! Or both.

I think it is both. He has got to be really thick AND desperate to not have smelt something fishy in this bizarre case.

‘A’ put it beautifully. He said, “this guy is a ch***** of a different level”. It may sound crass but that’s the only word to describe Shoaib Malik. Who else will get married to a woman he hasn’t even seen, on the telephone!! I just can’t get over the hilarity of it.

I really don’t care who’s right and who’s wrong in this entire episode of telephonic shaadi (patent it Shoaib Malik before someone else beats you to it!). And now that Ayesha is claiming she also got pregnant with his child - did he even impregnate her over the telephone?? Brilliant…he should patent that as well.

If you ask me though, I think the guy could've been duped. But then, given how dumb he is/was, he totally asked for what's happening. And that's exactly what prevents me from sympathizing with him.

The question I can’t stop asking is – why is Sania Mirza getting married to this guy of all the people in the world? She is an educated, financially independent, career woman. She's a smart woman too, or at least she comes across as being one. Then why is she marrying such a stupid guy??

Maybe Shobhaa De has the answer. She thinks Sania has fallen for Shoaib’s “boyish good looks & rakish charm”.

Voila! If this is the case, I think their marriage will definitely happen on April 15th. Unless law gets in the way. Or the real Ayesha turns up! Sania Mirza is a woman in love after all, and a woman in love knows no reason, no matter how smart, practical and accomplished she is otherwise. The bookies will be better off betting on whether SRK will dance naked at the end of this IPL.

Inshallah.

And now they want to kill us

The retarded politicians of India are at it again. Only this time, the issue is much more serious and endangers the health of an entire nation of 1 billion plus people.

Monsanto, a US based agricultural bio-technology corporation that promotes Genetically Modified (GM) crops in India through one of its companies, Mahyco (Maharashtra Hybrid Seeds Company), has developed Bt brinjal, a genetically modified variety of brinjal.

The Genetic Engineering Approval Committee (GEAC), the clearing authority for all GM crops in India has cleared Bt brinjal on the basis of test results submitted by Mahyco. The crop now awaits a nod from the government before it is made available for commercial cultivation.

Mr Jairam Ramesh, Minister of State for Environment & Forests has said that since there are “strong” views both for and against GM crops, he would conduct a series of consultations with scientists, agricultural experts, farmers, consumer groups & NGOs next year in order to decide the future of Bt brinjal.

What do you reckon will happen after these consultations? The politicians, bought off handsomely by Mahyco, will ignore the protests of the consumer groups & NGOs and give the green light to Bt brinjal for commercial cultivation.

Consumer activists who managed to get hold of Mahyco’s test results through the RTI sent the results to independent scientists in Europe for review. The scientists wrote back, showing that the tests conducted by Mahyco were inadequate - the longest toxicity tests were only for 90 days, which does not assess long-term effects of the toxins such as development of cancers or tumors, and the tests were conducted using only one Bt toxin rather than the hybrid toxin present in Bt brinjals. They also cited inconsistencies in Mahyco’s interpretation of the results & mentioned that Bt brinjal is unfit for human consumption.

Here's why:

1. Bt brinjal produces a protein in vegetable cells that induces antibiotic resistance. This is not only a problem (for obvious reasons), it also indicates that Mahyco is using old GM technology as the current technology used by developed countries has overcome the problem of antibiotic resistance.
2. Bt brinjal is toxic. When fed to animals, it affected their blood chemistry, blood clotting time & total bilirubin (indicator of liver health).
3. It led to weight gain & intake of more roughage in lactating cows even as it increased milk production by 10-14 percent, an effect similar to that brought about by hormonal treatment.
4. Rats fed Bt brinjal got diarrhoea, had increased water consumption & decrease in liver weight.
5. It is unsafe to consume animals (chicken, goat, cow etc.) that have been fed Bt brinjal.
6. The Bt toxins have never been authorized for human consumption & are known to be harmful to health

So this highly toxic Bt brinjal might be unleashed upon us (Indians) with complete disregard for our health & safety, and guess what? We wouldn’t even know we are consuming this dangerous product thanks to the absence of a labeling regime for GM crops in India!!

Just to put things into perspective – GM foods are banned in Europe, and they face widespread protests in the United States. While currently the US does allow GM foods to be sold in the market, they are required to be labeled so clearly & accurately, so the consumers can decide whether they wish to purchase them or not. Indians however, remain lab rats available for exploitation.

Luxury Travel No More?

If Shashi Tharoor thought traveling Economy on airplanes was "cattle class" travel, wonder what he would think about this??!!!

Design Q, a British design firm, has come up with this new seating design for aircrafts that could help airlines cut costs by increasing the number of passengers on board by upto 50%!

As small consolation, thankfully, for now they're proposing this seating arrangement only for flights of one hour duration or less. The magnanimous people that they are, they're also giving us a choice : if you want to sit facing forward - in the conventional manner of seating in an aircraft - you can. You will just have to pay more!

And you thought there were free cookies in this world! Cookie Man might give them to you for free to sample them, but they also give you sordid stares if you walk away without purchasing any.

Anyway, so the folks at Design Q who came up with this retarded seating arrangement (according to me, anyway...you could argue it's "innovative"), have also been kind enough to remind us that people might not be happy with this new seating design (oh yeah, you think?), but if airlines are able to carry more number of passengers, the air fares would drop!!

Why couldn't I do that simple math? Stupid, stupid me...

A Country for Idiots

Our country seems to be very conducive to the existence of stupid people. It provides them the perfect ambience in which they can thrive.

When was the last time you got served 'hot' coffee at Cafe Coffee Day or Barista - when you ordered a 'hot' coffee? Do you remember the last time a shop floor assistant at a retail store such as Pantaloons, Shopper's Stop or Big Bazaar (if you are a Big Bazaar shopper) was able to answer your query or help you locate an item you were looking for? Stupidity seems to be the sole hiring criteria for these stores. The higher your SQ (Stupidity Quotient), the brighter your chances are to get employment at one of these places!

Take the past weekend for example. I went to Cafe Coffee Day & ordered for hot coffee. Knowing they have a tendency to serve luke-warm coffee, I asked them specifically to make sure it's hot. When I got the coffee, it was tepid. Then I went to Big Bazaar to buy microwavable dishes. It's clearly one of my least favorite stores to shop at but I had little choice. I asked them to direct me to where I could find such dishes & they escorted me to the section where they sell microwaves!!

Not to be outdone by these people, the boys at my office canteen have decided to give them stiff competition it seems. I asked for a slice of toasted bread with some butter on it. Five minutes later, another guy from the canteen came to ask me what I wanted. I repeated my order. Ten minutes later, I got a slice of untoasted bread without butter. I asked them to take it back, toast it & put some butter on it. The second time the guy came back, he had a slice of untoasted bread again but he had somehow managed to put butter on it. I sent it back again & when he finally came back with the correct order, I had finished my lunch.

As a friend argued, intelligent people would not work at such places at the meager salaries they get paid. Granted. But one does not have to be "intelligent" to understand what 'hot' coffee means, what a customer means when he/she wants 'a slice of toasted bread with butter on it' or the difference between 'microwavable dishes' & a 'microwave'!!!

You get the point. Stupid people are everywhere. Now only if it was legal to kill them!