Something to Think About

I don't generally read 'mommy blogs' (for obvious reasons) but I came across this post by Parul Sharma. I'm sharing the link because I think it's a topic that a number of women struggle with post-motherhood, and also because I think I've done a post on this topic earlier (I'm too lazy to dig it up so just take my word for it, will you?)

In her post, Parul puts across her point of view on the issue of stay-at-home moms vs. working moms. She talks about how women who give up their careers to look after their kids feel responsible towards their parents & their efforts to give them (the women) the best education they could afford, so they could be financially independent. On the other hand, working moms suffer tremendous guilt for not being able to give sufficient time & attention to their child(ren). And there are some women who're lucky enough to be able to work from home, and while it may seem that they have the best of both worlds, the flip side is that people often don't take their work seriously and trivialize it.

Parul also goes on to say that when it comes to deciding whether to be a stay-at-home-mom or a working mom, there's no right (or wrong) decision. That we have to respect other people's choices, and if we feel we're superior to them because of the decision we've made for ourselves, then we're probably just trying to hide our own feelings of inferiority and dissonance with the choice we've made.

My favorite paragraph in the entire article is this: ".....tough as it sounds, that we cannot turn on our babies and burden them with accusations. Here, I did all this because of you, gave up so much because of you, made so many sacrifices to give you a good, better, best life. Nobody asked you to. So just shut up already, yes?"

I see this happening all the time, particularly when it comes to the child making a choice of career his parents might be opposed to, or in our great Indian society, the choice of a partner. And I think it's completely unfair on the child.

For all the talk about how people want to experience the miracle of creating life, it can't be denied that people have kids for very selfish reasons. They want a child to carry on their family name, to inherit and tend to their assets after they're gone, and most importantly to take care of them when they're old. So they really do need to remember that they have no right to emotionally blackmail the child into doing what they want him/her to do by counting the number of things they've done for him/her and the sacrifices they've made. No one asked them to have a child and do any of it; they did it all completely out of their own volition.

Me, I have taken the easier way out and decided I don't want kids. But for those of you women who are/plan to become mothers, hop over to Parul's blog and read her post.

There. My good deed for the day.

A Personal Choice

To continue working or take a break is a question almost all women face when they have a kid. It’s a question that alters the course of a woman’s life.

While women who decide that the way their child grows up is much more important than their careers sometimes feel a twinge of regret about the lost opportunities, those who continue working feel guilty for not being around their kids more when they are needed, and overcompensate by indulging their kids.

Whether a woman decides to carry on with her career or become a stay-at-home mom is a matter of personal choice, and one should not make the other feel bad about the choice she made - which is what an article that I read recently revolved around.

The article presented the point of view of two women – a psychologist who quit her job to become a full-time mom and a marketing professional who continued working even after having a kid. The psychologist admitted to sometimes wondering what all she could’ve achieved professionally had she continued practicing, but she decided not to because she wanted to be hands-on as far as her son’s upbringing was concerned.

It’s the attitude of the marketing professional that bothered me – whenever her daughter would ask her why she can’t stay at home like some other moms, she’d tell her daughter that she was more educated and smarter than other moms who stayed at home, therefore she had to go to work. Her daughter has got so conditioned to this line of thinking - that women who work are smarter than women who choose not to - that she too wants to be a working woman when she grows up.

Feeding something like this to your kid is so wrong, I feel. You’re teaching your kids to look down upon other people and judge a person’s intellect simply by virtue of whether he/she works or not. And we know that impressions created on a developing mind stay on forever.

How Did You Celebrate Women's Day?

A man I met on the immensely stupid Women's Day wished me a Happy Women's Day and asked how the Women's Reservation was going to make my life better. He was mocking women, of course.

Now, I too am against reservation of any kind because I feel it takes an opportunity away from someone who deserves it on account of merit and gives it to someone who may be totally underserving, simply because he/she was born into a minority community. And most communities that continue to enjoy reservation in Government jobs & Government-run institutes are no longer as impoverished or deprived as they may have been at the time of independence. They have access to the same education and infrastructure that non-minorities in our country do. But the biggest injustice brought about by reservations - or Affirmative Action as it is called in the US - is that someone who deserves the spot is denied it simply b/c he's part of the majority.

Women's Reservation is a different issue altogether though, and I'm not saying this b/c I'm a woman. I'm saying this b/c I believe that women are the largest disenfranchised and unempowered minority in India.

Women in our country (and I'm not talking about financially independent career women like me who form less than maybe even 10% of the female population of India) are denied all kinds of social and personal rights even to this day.

We are still expected to adopt, or in the very least, append our husband's last name to our names after marriage. State-owned banks do not allow a married woman to open an account with her maiden name (I don't know whether this is true of private sector banks as well). A woman's identity continues to be defined by that of a man, be it her husband or her father. All forms, whether emanating from the private or the public sector, ask for her father's/husband's name.

Women are still expected to leave their parents' home and live with their in-laws after marriage, rather than it being an even playing field where both husband & wife set up their own home. A woman who expresses her desires to live apart from her in-laws is seen as an evil, vile woman who is trying to draw the son away from his parents. Never mind that she had to leave behind her own. This is particularly true in small towns.

Men try to harass women at every given opportunity. They lech at us in the most disgusting manner, violate us on the streets by touching us at the most private places, harass us sexually & emotionally, and try to take advantage of single women in every way they can.

Most Indian women (and remember, I'm not talking about you & I) don't even have control over their own bodies or what happens to them. They don't have any sexual or reproductive rights. They must give in to the man whenever he wishes to have sex or face the consequences, generally physical abuse. They often cannot insist on the use of protection during sex and have to bear children even if they don't want to, thanks to "mis-timing" on the part of the man who thinks he is some kind of a God & a blessing to womankind. They get no support from their families even if they're victims of domestic violence and wish to divorce their husbands.

They are expected to perform at the same level as their male counterparts at work, and also bear the primary responsibility of running a house, performing day-to-day household chores such as cooking & cleaning, and be the primary parent raising the child.

So what kind of women's empowerment do we celebrate on Women's Day?

Nothing.

And that is where I think the Women's Reservation Bill is going to help. It may not directly impact your's & my lives, but it WILL impact the lives of millions of other women who are not in a position to speak up for themselves. For every you & me, there are at aleast a thousand women who are forced to suffer silently.

I hope this past Women's Day, rather than saying 'thank you' to every man who wished you a Happy Women's Day and enjoying free meals or free drinks at bars, you asked yourself some tough questions. Do the men in your life, be it your father, brother, husband, partner or boyfriend, respect you as a person? Do they ask you for your opinion even on issues that matter and value it, rather than consulting you only when it's time to decide what color walls you want in your house? Do they treat you as someone who is just as capable as themselves? Do you have your own identity rather than it being defined by that of your husband? Do they listen to you when you speak? Are your decisions you own and not taken by your husband? Are you allowed to do what you feel like, wear what you feel like, and meet whoever you feel like?

I hope you asked yourselves these questions and I hoped you answered them in the affirmative b/c these questions will determine whether you are truly empowered, not whether you got a gift or a free drink on Women's Day.

When Was The Last Time You Got Fitted?

While women across the world were busy putting the color of their bra up as their status message on Facebook - ostensibly as a means of creating awareness about breast cancer - men had their own take on the game. Once they figured out what was going on that is. Some of the funniest comments from guys on Facebook were…

• How does it matter which color if it has to be taken off?
• You give me reasons to be ‘hooked’ on to Facebook
• Anyone even bothered about what color we prefer?
• Men are simple. Black or red does it every time!
• Men around the world must think they have won the lottery today
• I want proof!

But my favorite was this…

• No, no, it’s not too much information at all. Thank you for sharing.

This had me chuckling for quite some time.

Honestly though, I’m with the men on this one. I mean, putting the color of your bra on a public forum isn’t going to create awareness about breast cancer. Not by a long shot. It’s a silly game at best, sure to generate funny, crass or voyeuristic comments from men. So women, if you really want to spread breast cancer awareness talk to your mom, aunts & other women you know about doing a breast-self examination regularly and getting mammograms done on an annual basis (particularly women above 30 years of age). Or at least getting their breasts examined by their doctors/gynacs periodically to detect the presence of any suspicious lumps. THAT is how you would truly spread awareness about the disease.

Now, since we're talking about bras already, have you noticed how ill-fitted most Indian women are? They’re either wearing bras that are too big for them or ones that are too small and have their boobs spilling out (and no, I’m not referring to three-fourth coverage bras). Other common problems are wearing bras that offer no support and adjusting the straps so loose that their boobs sag.

Usually women are too lazy to go to a proper lingerie store (or the lingerie section of a departmental store) and try bras out before buying them. They don’t feel bras are worth investing money in. Then there are the cheap cotton bras that are available in small shops that generally don’t have trial rooms. Women usually just ask for their size and buy the bras without trying them, whereas the truth is that our bra size changes as our body changes (and our bodies are changing constantly!), so it’s important to try a bra out before buying it.

While I do understand that not everyone may be able to afford bras that cost 1000 bucs a piece (that’s generally what fancy branded bras cost), the fact is that bras are probably the single most important piece of clothing in a woman’s wardrobe. They give shape & definition to one’s body, and there’s no bigger turn-off than a woman in an ill-fitting bra. Besides, wearing the wrong bra can have a number of harmful effects on one’s body such as back problems, headaches, neck strain, rashes and even pulled ligaments! For these two reasons alone, a good fitting bra - one that’s the right size and offers good support - is worth investing in. There are also a number of lower cost options (in the range of 400-600 a piece) available at branded lingerie stores these days.

So women, GO GET FITTED!!

And to all the men reading this, sorry I forgot to warn you this was going to be a girly post :)

Photo Courtesy: adsoftheworld.com

Will India ever grow up?

The idea of making over-the-counter emergency contraceptive pills a prescription drug was preposterous, I feel. It would’ve defeated the purpose of emergency contraception.

I do appreciate the issue at the root of the debate. Young women, especially teenagers, are using EC as normal contraception and not something to be relied on in case of an emergency only. As a consequence of this pill abuse, teenagers are ending up at gynecologist’s offices with serious menstrual & reproductive problems in larger numbers than before.

On their part, the companies that manufacture these pills place adequate warnings in the booklet that comes along with each pill, saying that the pill should be consumed only if there’s an emergency and not as a normal mode of contraception. But their easy availability combined with the fact that many youngsters dislike using protection and would like to just "get it on" without worrying about the consequences of unprotected sex, are resulting in pill abuse. Naturally, "responsible adults" are worried. (Though I wonder whether these responsible adults are genuinely worried about the health of these young women or the degenarating "morals" of young India).

However, the answer to this problem does not lie in taking away the pill's OTC status. That would cause more harm than good, not to mention that it would impact even genuine users. I feel there are other ways of combating this problem of pill abuse:

1. The Govt. has already asked all companies manufacturing the pill to clearly & openly state the harmful effects resulting from pill abuse in their advertisements. The companies should also mention those on the outside of the box. This will go a long way in deterring irresponsible use of the pill.
2. I’m not even going to get started on the attitude of Indian parents when it comes to educating their kids on sex. I can go on & on about that. But what horrifies me is that most gynecologists in the country also adopt a very censuring attitude towards sex when dealing with unmarried women. They make it sound like the woman has committed the ultimate sin by becoming sexually active before marriage! I think this kind of attitude is completely unnecessary – doctors are professionals and their job is to treat the patient, not to lecture her on "morals" or judge her character. They are supposed to be a source of support for women. Counseling on healthy sexual practices is OK, lecturing them on morals is not. And I think, apart from the general lack of awareness regarding safe sexual practices & sexual health, this reproachful attitude from parents as well as doctors is one of the main reasons why there are so many abortions & cases of cervical cancer in our country, even among the educated lot

I’m glad the authorities decided that emergency contraception should retain its OTC. It is upon us as parents, teachers, doctors etc. to make teenagers aware of the harmful effects of abusing the pill, and for teenagers to understand that they might ruin their long-term prospects of bearing children by doing so. Especially since Indian society is so hung up on procreating. But the question for both sides of the line is - will we ever grow up?

Have a Happy Period

Have you seen the Whisper commercial that says “Have a happy period”?

I mean, come on people, are you guys delusional??

I am yet to meet a menstruating woman who is having a “happy period”. Have you ever seen a woman jump up & down in excitement or sing joyously when she’s menstruating? Instead, what women do is fight with their boyfriends/husbands over something which is totally someone else’s fault, or pick fights if there’s no issue to fight over, blame the constant fighting in the Middle East for the pimples on their faces, cry for no reason at all or if they’re craving a brownie or a cheesecake and there's no one to get it for them, and bite the heads off anyone who tries to talk to them.

If someone asks them how they’re doing, they say, “Why don’t you just sod off?”

Seriously, you can’t be happy if you’re feeling bloated like a gas balloon that is about to explode, your breasts are swollen & sore, you’re having an acne attack, there’s a holy river flowing out of your body, you’re having such bad cramps that it seems someone is trying to pull your uterus out of your bloody body, you can’t lie down on your back and have to sleep on your side throughout the night, you feel depressed for no reason at all, and you can feel the hormonal forces surging through your body like a tornado, waiting to gush out & annihilate anything that comes in its wake. All you want to do is lie curled up in some corner of your house & pray fervently that no one asks you to get up from there. And there’s a foreign object in between your legs continuously for five-six days that doesn’t give you any pleasure at all and is therefore, not welcome.

Surely, the manufacturers of sanitary napkins have done a lot of consumer research. They know what their consumers have to go through during “that time of the month”. If they don't, let me tell them - you want to reach inside your body and yank out your uterus!! And during that time if you see a commercial that says “Have a happy period”, what does it make you feel like doing? It makes you want to yank out the testicles of the person who came up with that line (assuming he’s a man) & barbecue them. If it’s a woman you just want to bitch-slap her for betraying her kind.

A more appropriate tag line could have been: “Your boyfriend has done nothing wrong, please don’t yell at him”. Or “Mom loves you & has called to make sure you’re alright, not to chew your brains out”. Or “Manslaughter will get you life imprisonment”.

And don’t even get me started on the advertisements for sanitary napkins. They always show a PYT dressed in the tightest & whitest of pants, playing Frisbee, riding a bicycle, jumping up & down or skipping rope – suggesting that menstruation doesn’t put a stop to your life in any way at all. And there are flowers all over the screen implying that never mind the wet, sticky feeling down there, you always feel fresh as a flower. Both of these couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I mean, for heaven’s sake, there must be a more honest way to sell sanitary napkins?