I Want a Girl Gang!!

I was watching the first Sex & The City movie on HBO last night. Every time I watch the movie or a re-run of the show I can’t help feeling envious of the women. They make such an amazing girl gang!!

There’s a reason why SATC is so popular with women across the world. It appeals to women who have a close-knit group of girl friends, as well as to those who don’t but crave one. Not to mention that most women, irrespective of the culture they come from, can identify with at least one of the four central characters of the series - the romantic, shoe-obsessed fashionista Carrie who is trapped in a long term relationship with a man who just cannot make up his mind about what he wants from a relationship or whether he wants to be in one, in the first place; Charlotte, the family types who believes she has found her "true love"; Miranda, the workaholic who likes to be in control; and Samantha, the successful, independant woman who is boy crazy but values herself more than any man in her life.

Coming back to the topic of this post, there can be few things as wonderful & comforting, and as much fun as a girl gang! The women in SATC stand by each other, look out for each other and take care of each other. They always have someone to share every secret with, go shopping with, do lunch/dinner with...someone to call up with news...someone who'll tell them which dresses to keep & which to throw out...someone who’ll spend New Year’s eve with them if they’re alone and take them on a holiday if they’re feeling low.

I so so want a girl gang like that! A small group…me & maybe two other women. Is that too much to ask for?

Talking of women, they can be really strange at times. Most of my school friends/classmates are now married with at least 1-2 kids. Whenever one of them posts pictures of her kids online, the others come pouring in with compliments as to how cute the kid is etc. Makes you feel like you’re being rude by not joining the chorus! I don’t get what the big deal is…it’s just a kid! Everyone has kids. Motherhood does strange things to people.

There are some who’ll put up pictures of themselves with their husbands and everyone will start complimenting them on how cute they look together. I wonder if people really mean what they say, or they say it just b/c they feel it's the "right" thing to do. Again, I don’t get the big deal.

And then there are women who put up pictures of their pregnant belly online!! Ugh!!! No offence to women who are expecting a baby or are mothers already, but there's really nothing pleasant or pretty or cute about a pregnant woman's belly. On the contrary, it's one of the scariest things in the world to look at, and that is just my personal opinion. I'm not interested in how big your belly has become. I mean, I'm happy you're about to pop a kid soon - if that's what really floats your boat - but it doesn't float mine, so please spare me the torture and don't put up pictures of your 8th month belly on my Facebook page!!!

Sweet, Sexy, Sassy

It’s only fair that I follow up a post on my Favorite Male Literary Characters with one on my Favorite Female Literary Characters.

So here’s my list of the 10 female characters I've enjoyed reading the most:

1) Nancy Drew - She was my early teen idol. Nancy Drews were the only books I ever read in school. Young, smart and glamorous, Nancy Drew has been a formative influence on a number of girls worldwide. Nancy did not have a job or go to school. She spent her life going on vacations with her enviable girl gang comprising Bess & George, and solving mysteries. She was wealthy, attractive and talented. All of 18, she could paint, speak fluent French, drive, swim, play tennis. And she had a super hot boyfriend (Ned Nickerson) who would surprise her by visiting her when she least expected it! How could you not like someone with such an enviable life?

2) Bridget Jones - I’ve read both Bridget Jones books many times over. Often when I’m in need of a pick-me up, I open a random chapter of the book and read for a few minutes (since it’s in the form of a diary, you need not read it in sequence). The books are insanely funny and instant pick-me ups.

Bridget’s is a character women from all cultures can identify with. She constantly frets about her weight but is otherwise a happy person, and she falls for the wrong guy over & over again when the right guy is standing right in front of her! And of course, she ends up with Mr Darcy. Who wouldn’t want to be in her shoes?

3) Miranda Priestly - Bitchy, cruel, tantrumy, Miranda Priestly is every working woman's nightmare. I've read the book (The Devil Wears Prada) as well as watched the movie, and I must confess it's Meryl Streep who's made the character one of the most memorable ones for me. In the book, Miranda Priestly is a Size 0 and far bitchier than what she is in the movie. Yet, I don't think anyone could've played her better than Meryl Streep. She's brought the character to life with so much style and elegance, it's difficult to forget her.

4) Rebecca Bloomwood - She's hilarious, what more can I say! The kind of excuses she comes up with to buy things she doesn't need and not pay her credit card bills, cannot be matched. She's not dumb, she just has a very strong weakness....don't we all?

5) Hermione Granger - Let's face it, Harry Potter would not have got out of half his troubles without help from Hermione Granger. She's the intelligent one, has the answers to all questions and the unmatched ability to exasperate Ron. She's also the only one who dared to punch Malfoy in the face. Though she's a nerd on the face of it, deep down she's very much a girly girl. She's principled, yet willing to make concessions for friends; cautious, yet reckless. She's a dichotomy...just like all other women :)

6) Portia - I don't like Shakespeare but I do like intelligent women, and Portia was one of the most intelligent characters that Shakespeare ever created. "Only a pound of flesh, but not a drop of blood". Heard anything smarter than that?

7) Jo March - The second eldest of the March sisters (Little Women), Jo March is smart, independent and vivacious. She's also quite tempestuous. She'd rather read or play than primp & gossip with the girls. Just the kind of girl I'd get along with :)

8) Elizabeth Bennett - Playful, good natured and quick thinking, Elizabeth Bennett is the most popular of Jane Austen's heroines. She has the guts to reject a wealthy but foolish suitor (Collins) - something not many women of that era would've been able to bring themselves to do. And she gets Mr Darcy. That's reason enough to like her, I think.

9) Scarlett O'Hara - It's difficult to like Scarlett O'Hara per se. She's spoilt, selfish, shrewd and vain. But she's also strong willed and challenges the gender stereotypes of her time. And that makes it difficult not to admire her.

10) Madame Bovary/Anna Karenina - Okay, so they may not be the most likeable women in English literature but this list isn't about the most likeabile women either. It's about the women I've enjoyed reading the most, and both Emma Bovary & Anna Karenina fit right in. These two characters probably changed the way the "heroine" was portrayed in English literature until that time. They may not have been as strong and morally upright as Jane Austen's heroines maybe, but they were "real" women - they had their faults, they could be unsympathetic & self-centered, they made mistakes and they paid the price for it too! These characters freed women from the bonds of morality and the arguably stifling social fabric of that time, and let them loose to carve out their own path in life.

Do tell me your favorites...

Take Back the Night

It’s happened with every woman at some point of time or another – some man brushes against you intentionally on a crowded street, men leer at your breasts at a public place in the most disgusting way, men on the streets pass comments of a sexual nature when you walk by, attendants smirk at you when you go to a hospital/clinic to get a pap smear done etc.

I've seen it happen to women when they go to a pharmacy to buy birth control/emergency contraceptive pills. The store attendants will either smirk or talk in hushed tones and generally be so secretive about the entire process, it makes you feel as if you’ve got the plague! After all, it’s not for no reason that women in India don’t go to buy condoms themselves.

We (Indian women) encounter sexual harassment at every nook & corner, every day of our lives. We can’t walk down the streets without getting harassed either overtly or in a covert manner. The men that are less brave will leer at you or pass a comment, while the relatively braver ones will brush against you or try to touch you at the most private places, pretending it was unintentional of course. It’s disgusting.

It’s just so sad that a woman has to constantly fear for her safety in this country, where as it should be our birth right – just as the right to breathe. We shouldn’t always have to look over our shoulders, always beware of who’s walking on either side of us. Freedom to walk down the streets without having to worry about getting harassed simply on account of our gender should be our basic right, not something we have to fight for.

Unless all men in this country, down to the last social strata, learn to respect women, and not see them as merely sexual objects or 'things' to procreate with, we are not going to progress as a society. Bad news is, I think we’re light years away from that happening!

A Life. A Choice.

They’re all around me. They stare me in the face wherever I go - married women who have changed the way they are to fit into the families they have married into.

I’m not referring to minor adjustments such as sharing the bathroom with the spouse, reaching a compromise on the temperature of the air-conditioner, learning to fall asleep with the TV on etc. It’s the changes that women make to their identities that are the most discomforting.

I know I have been writing about this a lot of late but it's all around me and it bugs me no end.

One thing I feel very strongly about is changing one’s last name after marriage. I am very sure I’m not going to be doing it, even if that means not marrying the person in question. It is non-negotiable. My name is an indispensable part of who I am; has been for as long as I’ve lived. Why should I be expected to change it just because I got married to someone? My identity is more important to me than a man - ANY man.

The other thing I cannot do is cook everyday. A friend of mine is about to get married to her boyfriend of four years, who told her that if she’s not willing to cook everyday he’ll have to re-consider marrying her!

I’m sorry but if the guy is used to having his mom cook for him everyday, that’s his problem - not mine. The personal decision that his mom took does not apply to me by default.

Surprisingly, my friend is okay with it though she doesn't know how to cook and has never cooked at her parent's house!

Women make numerous sacrifices to keep their in-laws happy. There are certain types of clothes they give up wearing after marriage (such as shorts, skirts, capris, sometimes even jeans!) because their in-laws aren’t okay with it.

I can’t ever take that kind of an intrusion into my personal life from anyone, including my husband. Being asked not to wear the kind of clothes I presently wear is unfathomable! I think I will simply turn around and ask the person to mind their own business, irrespective of who they are!

Without hesitation.

The life of a married woman starts getting dictated by the schedules and whims of her in-laws. This is particularly true for women who live with their in-laws. They can’t go out with friends whenever they want to. There are things they can & cannot do; places they can & cannot go to – because their in-laws tell them so.

I’ve always been so fiercely independent that such a thing is completely unacceptable to me.

The other thing I don’t understand is how women are okay with husbands who do not support them if there’s a tiff with the in-laws.

The men come up with this very convenient excuse of not wanting to take sides or be in a position where they have to choose between their parents and their wife.

Excuse me? You’re the one who has married me and brought me into your family, so you bloody well support me!

Yet another thing that a married woman is expected to do is to always put her husband’s parents before her own. In fact, it is not even an expectation; rather an assumption that the guy’s family makes.

I can never see myself putting my husband’s parents before my own. And why should I? I don’t see the guy returning the favor. I will give his parents all the respect that they deserve, help them out whenever I can but I can never neglect or be unfair to my parents.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of in life, it is that I am not going to compromise myself for anything or anyone in this world.

I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not deluded regarding life. I know enough couples to know that it doesn’t take very long after marriage (a couple of years at most) for the rose-tinted love glasses to come off and then you’re left to deal with reality. And reality is what you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

You’ll be left to live with a person you cares for you, values you, respects what you are, gives you the space you need, stands up for you when you need him to – or not. And I don’t want to be standing on the wrong side of the fence, even if that means not getting married for another 5 years.

That’s not very good news for my parents, is it? :)

I just upped the ante God knows how many times...but that’s okay. They'll live!

Some people might say these things are easier said than done. Surely they are but I’m also sure I have the courage to stick by them, because at the end of the day if we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will.

I might have come across very strongly in this post but that is just how strongly I feel about this issue. Neither am I apologetic about it to any man or woman who might get offended by it. If you're a man and offended by this post, I can understand. If you’re a woman and offended by it, you're probably trapped in this situation yourself, or see yourself in such a situation in the future. Either way, deal with it.

For those who feel the way I do, thank you :)

We get only one shot at life afterall.

It's Her Call

I’ve read numerous interviews by career women where they have said that they are "ambitious but not ruthlessly ambitious". It’s like they’re almost apologetic about being driven, successful career women. I don’t remember reading an interview by a man ever where he’s apologetic about his ambitiousness or success.

According to me, this is completely a result of gender stereotypes and the different set of expectations society has from men & women.

A man is expected to do well for himself professionally & financially, at all cost. It doesn’t matter that he is a negligent husband or a barely-there father. As long as he’s climbing the corporate ladder steadily, he is an exemplar. A woman, on the other hand, is expected to be a model mother, wife & daughter-in-law first and a career-woman later.

Why do these gender stereotypes still exist? Why do women still have to say sorry to their families & the society as a whole if they wish to be successful professionally?

Our country has become mature enough to understand that there is no point criminalizing consensual sex between two adults of the same sex, but we haven’t yet been able to break ourselves free of age-old gender stereotypes!

If a career is more important for a woman than her home, that is her prerogative. At the same time, if a woman gives up her career – fully or partly – in order to invest more time in her home & family, that too should be solely her decision. No one should question it.

Have You Mailed a Pink Chaddi?

What could be the most horrifying gift a man - an orthodox, regressive middle-aged man – can get on Valentine’s Day?

A box of used or cheap pink chaddis for sure!!!

Yes, they can be dug out of your closet as well :)

The Pink Chaddi Movement has spread like wildfire. And rightly so. A man who does something as heinous & abominable as getting a bunch of women beaten up for pubbing, and does nothing to stop the millions of men who visit prostitutes & the covert dance bars of Mumbai & other small towns, deserves to be treated no better.

Apparently, Pramod Muthalik has retorted to the Pink Chaddi campaign by saying that he will send Pink Sarees as a return gift to the 'Consortium of Pub-Going, Loose & Forward Women' who are the originators of the Pink Chaddi movement. He has also said that any unmarried couple that will be seen hanging out on Valentine’s Day will be forced to marry!!!!!

While he is works over-time spewing venom, what does our government do? (Ostensibly) arrest the man, let him out on bail & watch him do more goondagardi. Publicity-hungry hooligans who have no respect for the law are ruling our country and our impotent Goverment is watching the country burn with folded hands from the sidelines.

I really strongly believe that any man who oppresses women or tortures them in any way what so ever should be castrated & left to live out his life in s**ual frustration. No punishment could be worse.

Something To Be Thankful For

Read this.

The Liberated Woman of the 21st Century

"He has to take the decision. I take permission from him even if I have to go for coffee or dinner with friends. My priority is my family. He will decide if it is right or not right for me."

- Manyata Dutt on being asked whether she would contest the elections on a SP ticket if Sanjay Dutt was not able to

Gender discrimination

People often say “God is a woman”. I say it’s BULLSHIT!!

The simple reason being that had God been a woman, she would’ve given the ovaries, the uterus, the fallopian tubes & all the other unnecessary painful things (that life could be perfectly happy without!) to men.

These are the reasons which have convinced me that God MUST be a man:

1. Men can pee standing

2. When on a journey & nature calls, they don’t have to hang on till they find an appropriate place to relieve themselves. Just about any place will do.

3. When they get a bad haircut, they don’t have to worry about their face looking too fat, or neck looking too short, shoulders looking too broad, waist/butt looking too big, thighs/calves/ankles looking too fat, toes looking chubby etc.

4. They can scratch their balls in public without anyone giving them gross looks.

5. Their best friend that dictates all their plans in life…travel plans, socializing plans, gym plans, swimming plans etc….doesn’t visit them every month

6. They don’t have to deal with things growing on their body out of the blue when they hit puberty. They’re born with whatever they will have (and need) for the rest of their lives

7. They don’t have to waste thousands of rupees over sexy fucking lingerie. BIG BIG GRIPE.

8. They don’t run the risk of getting pregnant so they never worry when they are out of protection

9. They can get mayonnaise all over their face while eating a sub or sandwich & still be called ‘cute’

10. The only work they had to do in life was in bed thanks to the Catholic Church decreeing the missionary position as the only legal position. Now they’ve found a way to evade that as well. It’s called ‘WOMAN ON TOP’

So yeah, God is a man:

1. Because it was Eve who couldn’t resist the apple. Adam was an innocent little thing who didn’t know he was blessed with a potent asset that could start an entire species. Bad, bad Eve!

2. And it was Pandora who opened the box of troubles & not her brother who shouldn’t have brought the box home in the first place

P.S.: It just dawned on me...I think the word 'evil' has come from Eve!!

Back to basics

I was having a conversation with a friend over the weekend & she said something that struck me as very true. She said that life seems to be coming a full circle for women.

Up until about 30-40 years ago, women thought their primary duty in life was to look after their house, tend to their family & raise their kids. They were happy doing all of that, and sure enough, working women were a rarity.

Over the course of the 80s & 90s, when feminism crossed western borders and spread to all corners of the globe, and women's liberation became the norm of the day, we saw a rise in the number of women who were willing to place their careers over family life. They were ambitious & unapolegetic about it.

Now, we seem to be coming back to the point where women are once again giving more importance to their husbands/families as opposed to their careers. I'm not saying women are not ambitious anymore, but more & more women are willing to make compromises in their careers as opposed to their personal life. They don't think twice before relocating to another town if their husbands get a good job opportunity. They are increasingly opting for part-time (consultant) or work-from-home options so they can give time to their kids. Many are even willing to give up their careers completely because they feel they ought to give more time & attention to their families.

Feminism & women's liberation are still around, but the more subtle type, not the bra-burning variety. And it's more at an individual level - women are increasingly able to make up their minds about what they want in life, and stand up for themselves, rather than getting in mobs & trying to save the women of the world!

I think it's an evolution we have gone through as a species. So until hardcore feminism sweeps over us once more...it's fun being in the time & place I'm in!

The post I didn't want to write

The SMSes have been pouring in since morning. "Thank you for being so special." "Thank you for doing all that you do." "Happy Women's Day." I get these messages on 8th March ever year. I read them, shrug my shoulders & go back to doing what I was doing.

It's no big deal for me to do all that I do. I don't need a pat on my back for it. I don't need a 'thank you' on one particular day every year. I'd rather that your actions speak for you. Every time you break my heart, think about me. Everytime you crib about the food not tasting good, be thankful that you have someone to cook for you. Everytime you take me for granted, think about all the ways I make life special for you.

When I come home late from work because I have the same kind of targets & deadlines to meet as you do, don't make a fuss about it. When I beat you to a promotion or get a higher increment than you, don't snigger. When faced with the same professional challenge, don't look down on me or doubt my capability...becasue I'm capable of doing all that you do & more, without needing a 'thank you' to motivate me.

If I ever place my career after yours, it will be because you gave me kids that needed looking after & you didn't have the time to look after them. Everytime you got ahead of me at work, it won't be because I'm less capable than you. It will be because I had to divide my attention between work & home without doing injustice to either, while you had a "me" at home to take care of all that is your's so you could focus entirely on work!

Sure, there are times when I curse the fact that I was born a woman. There are going to be many such times in the future as well. But at the end of the day, everyday, I'm grateful that I was born a woman.

I give you the strength to be what you are. I can excel at managing both my home & work while you need to be able to focus entirely on work to make an impact. I can endure more pain than you can. I am emotionally stronger than you are. I can take more blows in life without letting it erode my self-esteem. I can place your needs before mine and still feel fulfilled. I can emerge smiling from the toughest situations while you don't know how to handle one tear! I can see a hundred flaws in you & still make you feel like my hero.

But I never mention any of this because I know my worth and I don't need someone else to tell me what I am. I also know that though you choose not to show it, you are silently thankful that I exist. You are because I am and that's the biggest pat on the back anyone can ever give me.

So thank you for all the Women's Day wishes.

I accept humbly,
A woman