Existential Angst

You know that feeling when you're dying to pour your heart out on your blog but you can't because you don't blog anonymously anymore? And your blog isn't read only by your friends but by an assortment of people? And you're now at an age where you start weighing the pros & cons of your actions and you don't let yourself get carried away.

I so miss being in my early 20s. When no problem meant the end of the world. When you were able to just get up, shrug, brush the dust off your hands and move on if things weren't working out the way you wanted them to.

Since I can't - rather won't - crib about certain things on this blog, I'll tell you what I need right now.

A gang of the most fun girlfriends!!!!

I so miss having a girl gang at times. I've mostly had guy friends right through college and my 20s, and while boys are crazy fun too they won't pull you out of an emotional crisis. Most of them at any rate. You can only crib so much to them before their eyes glaze over and they suggest you drown your sorrows in bottles of chilled piss, a.k.a. beer.

Girl friends are so much more fun. They 'understand' and they know just what works when the chips are down - a great shopping session buying things you don't need, watching chick flicks and gossipping! Ah, therapeutic!

My girl friends are scattered all over the globe now and most of them don't even know each other, so I really do miss having a "girl gang". And what I need right now is a week in Goa with my girls, lazing around on the beach in beach hats, oversized sunglasses and floral flip flops, and sipping on unlimited apple/strawberry martinis. With a game of paintball thrown in. Why should boys have all the fun?

*****

Life isn't all gloomy though. I just learnt that my new place of work has the most laidback dress code - jeans! Even for client meetings!! Without rips & holes though. I think I can live with that :-)

And the city I'm about to move to has the most glorious weather - 18-30 degrees (Celsius) in the summer and 5-20 degrees in the winter. I can live with that too! :D

And I've been reading a very funny book that The Knife gave me when I met him last. It's a book by Bill Bryson called 'Down Under' where he talks about all the things that can kill you in Australia. There are thousands apparently! But it also showcases the spirit, niceness and funness (?) of the Australian people. It's a travelogue but one of the funniest books I've read.

So yeah, life is good too...in bits & pieces. But why must it always be bittersweet?

Gone Are the Days...

....when I would feverishly start making plans for the weekend on Friday evening itself. Now my answer to queries on what plans I have for the weekend generally is, "I don't have any yet", or "I don't know, I think I just want to chill". I wake up on Saturday morning & check if someone's up to doing something.

....when Saturday nights meant party nights and I'd feel completely unloved & unpopular if I had to spend a Saturday evening doing nothing. Now I'm OK with staying home on Saturday, ordering in, watching a movie. Or going for a quiet dinner & drinks followed by a movie, maybe.

....when I had to be out doing something on Sunday evenings because I'd get massive Sunday evening blues otherwise! Now I prefer Sunday evenings at home watching TV, reading a book or chit-chatting with The Boy. At most, I'd meet a friend for coffee.

Life changes and how! Or are these signs that I'm getting old? :(

Rich & Sexy

I want to be RICH and SEXY. I don’t want to be famous because I love my freedom to do the simple things in life, such as walking down the street, hanging out at coffee shops, walking into any store/restaurant without getting mobbed etc. way too much to give it up.

But I would LOVE to be rich so I can travel across the world without worrying about whether I have enough $$$ in my bank account, shop as much as I want to without having to worry about going broke, and live in the house of my dreams. In that order.

And I would love to be sexy so I can slip into any dress without having to worry about whether it would fit me, look smoldering in sexy lingerie, wear the sexiest cleavage revealing tops and the tiniest of skirts, and make heads swoon.

But as of now neither of these looks like it’s happening, so I’ll just sit quietly & plan that mind-blowing trip to Europe that may or may not happen someday, and dig into my hot gooey chocolate walnut brownie.

Shit, I won’t be able to gorge on brownies when I become sexy, right? And I'll have to live on water & sprouts inspite of having all the money in the world. Kinda like movie stars?

Life is such a bitch.

Photo courtesy www.polyvore.com

A Life. A Choice.

They’re all around me. They stare me in the face wherever I go - married women who have changed the way they are to fit into the families they have married into.

I’m not referring to minor adjustments such as sharing the bathroom with the spouse, reaching a compromise on the temperature of the air-conditioner, learning to fall asleep with the TV on etc. It’s the changes that women make to their identities that are the most discomforting.

I know I have been writing about this a lot of late but it's all around me and it bugs me no end.

One thing I feel very strongly about is changing one’s last name after marriage. I am very sure I’m not going to be doing it, even if that means not marrying the person in question. It is non-negotiable. My name is an indispensable part of who I am; has been for as long as I’ve lived. Why should I be expected to change it just because I got married to someone? My identity is more important to me than a man - ANY man.

The other thing I cannot do is cook everyday. A friend of mine is about to get married to her boyfriend of four years, who told her that if she’s not willing to cook everyday he’ll have to re-consider marrying her!

I’m sorry but if the guy is used to having his mom cook for him everyday, that’s his problem - not mine. The personal decision that his mom took does not apply to me by default.

Surprisingly, my friend is okay with it though she doesn't know how to cook and has never cooked at her parent's house!

Women make numerous sacrifices to keep their in-laws happy. There are certain types of clothes they give up wearing after marriage (such as shorts, skirts, capris, sometimes even jeans!) because their in-laws aren’t okay with it.

I can’t ever take that kind of an intrusion into my personal life from anyone, including my husband. Being asked not to wear the kind of clothes I presently wear is unfathomable! I think I will simply turn around and ask the person to mind their own business, irrespective of who they are!

Without hesitation.

The life of a married woman starts getting dictated by the schedules and whims of her in-laws. This is particularly true for women who live with their in-laws. They can’t go out with friends whenever they want to. There are things they can & cannot do; places they can & cannot go to – because their in-laws tell them so.

I’ve always been so fiercely independent that such a thing is completely unacceptable to me.

The other thing I don’t understand is how women are okay with husbands who do not support them if there’s a tiff with the in-laws.

The men come up with this very convenient excuse of not wanting to take sides or be in a position where they have to choose between their parents and their wife.

Excuse me? You’re the one who has married me and brought me into your family, so you bloody well support me!

Yet another thing that a married woman is expected to do is to always put her husband’s parents before her own. In fact, it is not even an expectation; rather an assumption that the guy’s family makes.

I can never see myself putting my husband’s parents before my own. And why should I? I don’t see the guy returning the favor. I will give his parents all the respect that they deserve, help them out whenever I can but I can never neglect or be unfair to my parents.

If there’s one thing I’m sure of in life, it is that I am not going to compromise myself for anything or anyone in this world.

I’m not a hopeless romantic. I’m not deluded regarding life. I know enough couples to know that it doesn’t take very long after marriage (a couple of years at most) for the rose-tinted love glasses to come off and then you’re left to deal with reality. And reality is what you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life.

You’ll be left to live with a person you cares for you, values you, respects what you are, gives you the space you need, stands up for you when you need him to – or not. And I don’t want to be standing on the wrong side of the fence, even if that means not getting married for another 5 years.

That’s not very good news for my parents, is it? :)

I just upped the ante God knows how many times...but that’s okay. They'll live!

Some people might say these things are easier said than done. Surely they are but I’m also sure I have the courage to stick by them, because at the end of the day if we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will.

I might have come across very strongly in this post but that is just how strongly I feel about this issue. Neither am I apologetic about it to any man or woman who might get offended by it. If you're a man and offended by this post, I can understand. If you’re a woman and offended by it, you're probably trapped in this situation yourself, or see yourself in such a situation in the future. Either way, deal with it.

For those who feel the way I do, thank you :)

We get only one shot at life afterall.

How The Mighty Fall

The media can’t stop digging skeletons out of Michael Jackson’s cupboard. There are contradicting reports of MJ being healthy & emaciated at the time of his death. While some media reports claim he was a picture of health (contrary to rumors about his continuously deteriorating health) others report that he was all skin & bones when he died, and during the autopsy all that was found in his stomach was a bunch of half dissolved pills!!

They’ve been writing about how his nose had started rotting and collapsing thanks to 13 plastic surgeries he got done in his face.

They’ve been talking about his delusions regarding his financial status, and that even though he was penniless he kept borrowing to finance his high-maintenance lifestyle and quirks.

They’re saying how he had been dressing and dancing the same way all his life, implying that he never learnt to move on in life, completely ignoring the fact that the way he dressed and danced WERE what made him Michael Jackson!

They’re saying all this even as his music flies off shelves at music stores around the world. Yes, he was the craziest person alive. But he was also a musical genius, a phenomenon, an inspiration to countless number of people, and he lived by his own rules.

How many celebrities have the courage to follow through with their desire to go from 'being a black man to a white woman', without caring about society or that doing such a thing might affect their popularity? How many Christians would willingly convert to Islam in an age where the religion is getting increasingly associated with terrorism?

The man is dead & gone. In death, if not in life, can’t we just leave him alone?

RIP MJ

For all his short-comings, he WAS a legend. He WAS a phenomenon. He WAS the King of Pop. And the King of Break Dance!

All of us growing up in India in the late 80s-90s grew up on his music. He has inspired countless people to become singers & an even larger number to learn break-dancing! He has impersonators probably next only to Elvis Presley.

He told us ‘It don’t matter if you’re black or white’. He told us ‘We don’t care about them’. He told us we need to ‘Heal the world and make it a better place’.....

Unfortunately for him and for all of us who grew up loving his music (when we were teenagers at least), he got mired in controversies relating to child sexual abuse, his penchant for plastic surgery that was permanently harming his body & his deteriorating financial health. It was all very sad but not sadder than the news of his death, reportedly due to an overdosing on prescription drugs.

This is the second time in this month that I have been reminded of the transience of life - only the first time 'round was more personal. Life can take you completely by surprise. It can end without a second’s notice….just like that.

His death also makes me think that public memory is short-lived & public sentiments should never be taken seriously. For the same person that is loved one day can be loathed the next and loved yet again. MJ was condemned for child sex abuse but there wouldn’t be a soul who was a fan of his music & who wouldn’t be feeling a sense of loss today.

Knots

Yet another friend of mine has succumbed to family/societal pressure and agreed for an arranged marriage. The wedding has been fixed a few months from now & she’s just getting to know the guy! Her family managed to convince her that if she doesn’t get married now (she’s 29 and single), she won’t be able to get married ever - which is one of the most ridiculous marriage-propagating arguments I keep hearing all around me. I know plenty of women who got married post-30 and are having the time of their lives.

This post isn’t going to be about arranged marriages vs. marriages of choice but about why women succumb to pressure from their families, relatives, neighbors & society as a whole and get married at a time they don’t wish to get married at or to someone they hardly know/care about.

I’ve known quite a few women - including highly educated, financially independent, successful career women - who have agreed to an arranged marriage, knowing fully well that that isn’t what they’d ideally want. Yet they have gone ahead and made a compromise – probably the biggest of their lives! I have also known women who have decided - in their early-mid 20s - to marry the person they might have been seeing at that point in time, even gone to the extent of getting engaged, only to call the wedding off later! A couple even called their wedding off one day before the wedding itself!!

All this makes me wonder…why this desperation to get married? Why make such a big compromise to settle for an arranged marriage when you know that’s not what you want? Why agree to get married to someone you’re seeing at that point in time just because you’re of “marriageable age”? Why this mad rush to get married??

I agree that marriage is a natural progression in life. Most of us want to get married for companionship and for the stability, security etc. that marriage is supposed to bring to our lives. Personally for me, the right time to get married is when you meet someone you want to spend each day of your life with and not when you’ve reached a particular age. Can you be truly happy if you got married just because you thought you should at a particular time? Compromises, broken engagements and bitter memories is what I think you get if you do.

Most women give in to the pressure to get married because they want to have kids by a particular age. The biological clock at work argument. Again, I personally don’t get the big deal about wanting to have children. If anything, it’s a painful experience. But even for those who believe that a woman is not complete until she becomes a mother and blah blah (which needless to say I think is a load of crap) do you want to make such a big compromise and risk being unhappy for as long as you live, just so you can have kids by 30??

It baffles me, this eagerness to get married. Funny thing is that marriages these days don’t even come with a guarantee of their basic promise - that you’ll get companionship, stability, security etc. for the rest of your life! Divorce rates are soaring. Couples are getting divorced within 2-3 years of getting married. Cheating & unfaithfulness are rampant. Honestly, I don’t think any of us can bet our lives on our spouse being faithful to us all our lives. Sure, go on and expect it...after all that is one of the USPs of marriage...pray with all your might that they are never unfaithful to you...but don’t count on it.

My sister got married to her boyfriend of five years when she was only 24, and right until the day of the wedding I was anxious for her. Will they make it to the wedding? Will they be able to sustain their marriage? After all, we don’t know jack s**t about what we want out of life in our early twenties, irrespective of how mature we might think we are. And even if we think we know what we want from life, there is a very high chance that that is likely to change a few years down the line.

So where do I see myself standing in this mad rush to get married? Well...I’m 29, unmarried and don't see any marital clouds looming on the horizon yet. I've been facing parental pressure since the last 3-4 years just like anyone else my age I know. But if I’ve made it without a compromise till this point, my guess is I’ll manage to pull through till I find someone I genuinely truly want to spend my life with. But that's just me and as they say, it takes all kinds :)

Things Fall Apart

All the time in relationships & friendships. Due to misunderstandings, unmet expectations, misplaced accusations, incriminations, people making a judgment about something you might have said or done - or not!

Sometimes your closest friends fail to understand you. Sometimes they are quick to form conclusions. Sometimes they are so blinded by expectations, they can’t bring themselves to respect the way you are and accept you for it. You try and explain it to them a few times, make it up to them, take the (misplaced) blame even, just so you can preserve a friendship that means something to you. But you do reach a point when the only thing you can do is let go. For how long can you keep acting the way people expect you to act?

I don’t understand why people expect you to act a particular way in the first place, and get offended & upset when you don’t! Is that fair? Agreed, there has to be some level of expectations in relationships & close friendships, but the beauty of a friendship over a relationship is that you’re not supposed to prosecute a friend over unmet expectations. Friendships lose their meaning the moment they become binding.

Especially for free-spirited people like me. I dislike being tied down just as I detest tying others down. You will not find me holding grudges against friends who forget to call back or do not call back for whatever reason. If I want to talk to them badly enough, I call them back. I don't sulk when a friend cancels. It's okay...things can come up. The world isn't about to end, and neither is our friendship. I do not expect people to act one way or the other, I do not hold them to what I think they should do! I give them their space when I feel they need it, they do not need to spell it out.

Similarly, I need my friends to not expect me to act in a certain way & get upset when I don't. If you can't understand this bit about me even though you claim to know me so well, our friendship had a chance in hell to begin with!

Unfortunately, as I have learnt the hard way many times over, not acting the way your friends expect you to act can often be misconstrued as not caring enough, not being committed enough to the friendship or not valuing it enough. Apparently, bonding over brownies & cheesecakes & shopping for shoes isn't enough to seal friendships. Is anything?

Friendships thrive when there is a willingness to accept the other person the way they are.
They are meant to be fun zones, not an element of life that stresses you out & ties you down. That’s what relationships are for! Sometimes, your closest friends fail to realize this, and you wake up to this realization only after things have fallen apart. Completely.

P.S.: Title of the post borrowed from Chinua Achebe. Feeling expressed - heartfelt.

The End of a Journey, The Beginning of Another

Apparently, it's recession time. Not in my office though! I worked till 12-1am almost every day of February, worked every Saturday. We had so much work, we had to rope in people from our other branches to help us out! Apparently, they are reeling under recession and have a lot of free time on their hands. Maybe I should consider getting a transfer?

It's been quite a month! Thankfully, it's over. The humungous study that was giving me sleepless nights (not from stress as much as hours spent in office) is over & done with. The presentation went on for 2 days at The Park, but it's over & I've had a weekend of blissful sleep, fun & getting sloshed with some friends who were visiting & also spending some amazing time with some even more amazing people!

All in all, I'm in a happy place right now, and feeling blessed. How can you feel otherwise when you realize you are loved immensely inspite of all your short-comings, quirks & mood swings. Loved for what you are, loved by people who are possibly the nicest human beings you've ever known, and loved more than they love themselves. You've got to be pretty darned lucky to land yourself in such a situation. Fingers and toes are all crossed.

Somewhere deep down it makes me believe that all of us have to go through countless trials & tribulations in life....losses, betrayal, hurt, conceit, disappointments....but if you are a good person at heart, good comes your way at the end of the day. Hope floats.

Keep the faith.

Dilemma

I am an urban woman - well-educated, career driven & financially independent. And unmarried to boot. I’m adept at juggling the demands of work with the stress of living on my own; have been doing so for the past five years. I am also 28 years old & getting ready to celebrate my 29th birthday early-ish next year (yes, birthdays are a big deal :-)

Over the years - say between the age of 23 when I first started working and 28 - I have seen a significant change in myself, in my opinions & my views on issues that affect women, the choices women have to make in life etc.

As a 23-24 year old, I used to be fairly certain – make that absolutely certain - that I wasn’t the types to make sacrifices for husband & children, if & when I do get married. I found no reason to do so. Always believed that if a man isn’t expected to make sacrifices for his family, why should a woman be expected to? But as all of you women who’ve been there before me would know, age mellows you down :-)

As you grow older, you tend to re-evaluate your opinions, particularly your stand on various issues assailing the women species. I think the major reason behind this is the events you see unfolding in your social & professional circle. You see your female friends & colleagues, who are just like you (career driven, ambitious), getting married and making certain choices that would seem contrary to their personalities.

I have seen this happening more in my family than outside. My aunts are all over-achievers. One is a lawyer in Chicago who studied law at Columbia & Northwestern Universities – some of the premier law schools in the US. She got picked up by one of the top law firms in Chicago and was well on her way to becoming a partner at the firm when she realized that her kids, who were between 5 & 10 years of age, needed more of her time than she was able to give them with 13-14 hour workdays. Her kids were growing up with babysitters - who to their credit were doing a good job - but the kids needed “mom-time”. So, she decided to go part-time which obviously meant she had to give up on her ambition to become a partner - something each lawyer covets.

Another aunt (IIM-C graduate, did a Master’s in IT from Berkeley & went on to work with Oracle & then Morgan Stanley) too gave up her job because she felt she needed to give more time to her kids. The third aunt, a psychiatrist by profession, too chose to give up her job when she had her second child because she felt she was not able to do justice to her first, as she had to divide her time between him & work.

One might wonder what the big deal about this is? Women, particularly Indian women, routinely make such sacrifices without batting an eyelid. Fair enough. But the big deal - at least for me - is that it’s happened in my family, where every woman is brought up being told that she needs to be financially independent when she grows up. In fact, I don’t remember my parents or anyone else in my family ever telling me that choosing not to work when I grow up is an option too!

Let me just clarify, I don’t belong to a fascist family, in case you’re wondering :-) It’s just that since my grandmother downwards, every single woman in my family has been a working woman.

The interesting thing about my aunts is that all of them went to the US as students in the 1990s, without financial backing from their parents, which meant they had to struggle and survive on stipends for as long as it took them to complete their education, so they could have what they thought was a better life as compared to what they could have had in India in the 1990s. And they reached a point in life when, just like that, they gave it all up!! It was not an easy decision for them at all, as they all admit, but one they NEEDED to and WANTED to make. It was a big step for them and had many implications not only on their financial standing but also on their psyches, but they took that step nonetheless. And that really made me sit up & think.

I’m still undecided on what I would end up doing if & when I do have a family. Would I keep working as I am currently…or go part-time…or quit working completely? While on the one hand, I do think it’s important that kids get quality time from at least one parent (which one of the two it should be is a matter of endless debate :-), on the other hand I also know that I would be miserable if I had to depend on someone else for money. I’m interested in seeing which way I swing and how long I can sustain it.

Point is….you should never say ‘Never’ in life!

Dial 'D' for Destiny

I’m a firm believer in the saying “Everything happens for a reason”.

Many people trash this philosophy. Essentially people who don’t believe in destiny. They believe our destinies are in our hands. It works for them. Fair enough. But my life has been full of events & occurrences that were completely out of line with my plans. John Lennon knew what he was talking about when he said “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans!!!”

I can’t explain the events in my life except by saying that there IS destiny at work. That life already has a plan for all of us. It’s been true for me - as I believe it is for countless other people - academically, professionally as well as in my personal life. I’ve known just what I wanted & how I wanted to go about attaining it. I’ve put efforts in that direction but hey! I ended up in a completely different place!!

So what do we do? Do we leave our lives completely up to this invisible force called destiny that we have no control over, or do we continue to make our choices in life, continue working towards them & watch our plans fall apart right in front of our eyes, while we take consolation in the fact that at least we tried?? Because after all, you can’t just take what’s dished out to you. You can’t sit & pray for the good things in life to fall in to your lap. Isn’t that what we’re all taught growing up…in school, at home? Maybe it is to instill a fighter spirit in us…maybe it’s done to teach us to never give up hope.

Whatever the reason, this is one of those questions that has perplexed the human mind since time immemorial & will continue to do so for generations to come. Do we TRY to command destiny (and fail miserably, every time falling prey to frustration but picking ourselves up valiantly again) or do we let life sweep us up in its wake?

Think about it, it’s fun!

Russian Roulette

Life is random. You don't know what's going to hit you & when!!

You might be driving to work like you do every single day and get a call from someone telling you of a bomb blast somewhere.

You might be in the middle of shopping, gearing up for a party or making plans for the big weekend when your boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly calls you & tells you that they want to break up right then!!

You might open the morning newspaper or turn on the new channel not expecting to find much except the usual stories of corruption, rape, floods, famine, thieves breaking into the house of an old couple, killing them & making way with their valuables...but you read about someone who was very real to you getting killed or worse still, committing suicide.

The death of Heath Ledger came as one such unexpected incident. The other happened last night when I randomly tuned in to a news channel. The winner of one of the reality shows, Ishmeet Singh who won the singing show 'Voice of India', drowned in Maldives where he had gone to perform for a show! He must've been 25 years old or so.

Honestly, I was zapped in both cases.

I didn't personally know either of these people but I still say they were "real" to me because of what I've seen of them on screen. I really liked Heath Ledger in 'The Patriot', 'A Knight's Tale' & 'Brokeback Mountain'... especially 'Brokeback...'. His portrayal of the character was very true to life. I thought he was a good actor with a lot of potential.

As for Ishmeet, I wasn't a regular viewer of the show he was a part of but I did watch a couple of episodes, and I believe he was quite popular both among the audience & the judges. I do remember watching him perform a few times, I remember his interviews being aired on many news channels (especially the Hindi ones) after he won the show. I did see a lot of him on TV...in that he was quite real. And to suddenly switch on the TV and learn that he drowned in the Maldives is scary.

Actually, it's not even scary...it's random, absurd, surreal, maybe even shocking. You never know when time's up!!

The Joker

I wish he was around to collect his Oscar...

Borrowed lines...

Read this on a friend's blog...

"Once u like a person, u can’t be “just friends” with them! Someone’s heart is bound to be broken."

I've been on both sides of the fence and nothing can be more true than this.

PS & completely unrelated : Have you heard anyone saying they miss the heat of Bombay? It's so much better there than in Calcutta!

The Talented Mr Ripleys

If you’re a girl and reading this, I’m sure you will identify with it. And if you’re a guy, I’m sure you must’ve had at least one female friend crib to you about this.

Why is it that the biggest losers of men think they have a shot with any attractive girl they meet?

These are men who have no interpersonal skills. They have ZERO discretionary ability in terms of what’s appropriate & what’s inappropriate to say to a woman. The concept of space is completely lost on them. They ogle at you. They invite themselves to the seat next to you…in a bus or a train or a waiting lounge…and randomly strike up a conversation irrespective of whether you’re even bothering replying to them. These men are complete social PESTS – the ones society can totally do WITHOUT, yet ironically there are SO MANY of them!

There is one more issue that plagues men. If you’re a girl who is actually nice to them, they think you’re easy! If you bother to say hi back to them (when they block your way in the alley & refuse to budge till you acknowledge their existence), they think they've got you! And, God forbid, if you end up smiling at them, they think you’re dying to get in their pants!!

On the other hand, if you do not acknowledge their existence (either because you’re just not the extrovert-overly friendly-gregarious kinds, or because they’re just plain disgusting), you’re presumed to be a stuck-up, high-handed bitch.

Don’t kill me guys (who’re reading this)…I know plenty of cool men in this world - men who’re smart, witty, funny, interesting, great conversationalists and an absolute pleasure to be with. They have no hang ups with regards to their relationship with women, no illusions about themselves. They know what they’re capable of, and are comfortable in their skin. Strangely, it’s the loser lot that seems to think they’re God’s greatest gift to mankind. Touché.

Trust me, it’s a talent to be so defiantly self-assured & confident about your chances/prospects in life when you know you’ve got nothing going for you.

This is it!

The movers & packers came home this morning to take my stuff to Calcutta. All I have with me now is just enough clothes to see me through two weeks at home.

Never thought that after having lived in Bombay for so long, it would just be a matter of three days before I leave. It’s heart-wrenching. I love this city so much I don’t know how I’ll manage to stay away. I’ll go through major withdrawal for sure. I’ll always be a Bombay girl.

Life is very funny indeed. I never thought I would be moving to Calcutta. I liked the city on my various visits there – I always felt that Calcutta had the heart of a small town in spite of being a metro. I loved the laidback lifestyle, loved the fact that Calcuttans value things in life other than money. But I never thought I’d end up living there!

Well, life has its ways of getting you around to doing things you never thought you would so, and therefore the saying “Never say never”.

So yeah…this is it! Three more days in Bombay and then it won’t be home anymore. Even though I know my way around, I’ll still be a visitor to the city. But then again, I took a conscious informed decision to move out, so can’t really complain. I’d like to end this post with the opening lyrics of Vince Gill's 'The strings that tie you down'...

You're so close to telling me your leaving
Packing up your things and leaving town
If you can walk away the rest is easy
Once you cut the strings that tie you down

Man proposes, life disposes

My whole life I've been fighting to convince myself that the way our lives turn out is the direct outcome of the choices we make. That there is no such thing called 'destiny'. We always have a choice...to pick one path over the other, to go this way or that, to stay or walk away, to resist or give in. However, as the years go by, it becomes harder and harder to convince myself that this is entirely true.

For instance, I'd never thought I'd go to the US to study. Right through school, I believed I was headed for Delhi University for college. However, the opportunity to study in the US presented itself and I took it up. I didn't go seeking it, but once I got the opportunity I went after it.

Once I was in America, it was almost a given then I would finish college, take up a job there itself and settle down. Life, however, had totally different plans for me! The situation became such that I had to return to India. I'm not saying that was a bad thing, just that I hadn't planned it that way! During my four months in the US when it became apparent that I would have to return to India, I tried very hard to find a means of staying back but I couldn't.

A year after I'd been working in India, I got a call for an interview at a company that was the biggest brand name within my industry. After an excruciatingly long interview, they made me an offer that I accepted. Thus came about my move to Mumbai, a city I love to death! Again, I wasn't looking for this break. It came to me & I decided to take it up.

Seems like history is about to repeat itself now. When I was contemplating a move to Calcutta for personal reasons, it didn't happen. And when I stopped thinking about it & shifted my attention to Delhi instead, I got a job offer from Calcutta that was both lucrative & compelling.

I do think our life is an outcome of the choices we make but only to a certain extent. The options that we must choose between are thrown at us by life itself. It is the greatest of all masterminds. So yes, with each passing day I'm inclined to believe that there IS a force called 'destiny'. Nobody can take away from me, what's meant for me. At the same time, no matter how hard I try, I will not get what doesn't belong to me. I will get only what is meant for me, and that's the way it will be!